[what are we?]

omg i did pretty okay for my amath test.... hahahaha great improvement... rahrah.

oh and since i had an A1 for my previous emath test, my tutor gave me ten bucks, LOL. he said he'll give me ten bucks for every A1. =x

something sucky happened after school. apparently, we received our cca records during assembly and my class was the last to be released. well everytime we receive our cca records, we just lose track of whatever thats happening around us. so then ms stella ho was releasing the classes back to the classrooms what... and our class happened to be the last, and we were sitting there looking at our cca records lar. so then she scolded all of us for not picking up the litter left behind by the other classes in the hall. she scolded us for being second latest (yeah what happened to being the latest?). well i personally think that she didnt need to scold us over two stuipd pieces of tissue paper that were left in the middle of the hall and we were right at the end of the hall. even so, tell us nicely, not scold us right? i dont see the logic. the teachers are biased against us. every single day, we hear teachers saying the same thing over and over again, that we're lazy, not working hard, not putting in the effort. they would say our spirit and characters are great, but we simply cant do well enough. well not as if we didnt try. we know it's our final and important year, and we know we have to work hard. there are people putitng in the effort you know? other than having to tolerate all the crap being thrown at us, we have our personal problems... at the start of the year, mrs kunna said we should stop watching tv, sms-ing, etc. (basically whatever teenages do in their everyday life), because those are our biggest distractions, but they're not... in fact, about 90% of the class face problems in their lives and these problems are what's distracting them.

mrs kunna finally realised it after a while... and well the 2 day 1 night self awareness camp last friday told a lot about what we're going through, and well, everyone will be here for one another because we're 4/8... yeah, there are people in 4/8 who lead happy lives, very happy lives indeed. they get by each day without having to face any problems, always being able to smile and laugh all the time.

i still think the teachers are biased against us... maybe a few arent. but it's quite sad to feel this way... yeah i know of people who look down on our class. it's worse if it looks as though the teachers look down on us.

i know we're noisy at times, we're talkative, we're bad at math, physics and chem, but it doesnt mean we're trying... sigh. i dnot know what to say anymore.

i watched the protege yest... okay come to think of it now... it's my 2nd nc-16 movie i watched at the cinema. red shoes' the first (that one no choice... met wanted to watch it so we all had to watch it. it happened on an arc outing). the movie's a little freaky... but it's not bad. rah rah.

[just different.]

i dont understand why i'm feeling this way. man, i'm fine, i'm fine, i'm gonna be fine. i'm really really really gonna be fine.

dammit, i'm so selfish.

rah, get it off my mind right now. i dont care, i must.

i'm trying not to falter, i keep faltering, it's driving me nuts. i'll try to be happy again. i'm trying hard to go back to who i used to be. i'm afraid of something.

i feel like shattering one of my little dreams right now...

[flames to dust. lovers to friends.]

i want to say a lot of things, but i dare not, because of the fears i have. i can be next to you, shedding tears, but they'll be invisible to you. i dont mean it when i really say it, it's a struggle inside and it hurts a lot... a lot... so much it's enough to tear you right inside and make you cry in pain.

i know i shouldnt be saying this on cny. i just have a lot to say, but dont want to, because i'm afraid of things.

i'm shy too you know? especially around people i dont know so well... it's pretty rare you see me get along very well with people i JUST know...

there are a lot of things i'm afraid of.. i'm afraid of angry people, afraid of people shouting. few know, but they forget. what can i do?

i know this is stupid. it's 3.23am in the morning... i seem to be waiting for something that will not come, which means i'm waiting for nothing. stupid me. dom says i should go sleep, and just forget it. you know what? he might just be right.

i know i'm only capable of screwing things up... pretty much down on luck. even on cny. how i had a bad start and things dont look so bright from then on. sucks right? i was getting really restless and impatient this afternoon (notice my previous posts... rah.). felt as though i was waiting for nothing but the sky to fall, how amusing. haha.

yes james, thanks for enlightening me. so i guess today is a waiting for nothing day for me. i'm starting to feel bitter and stupid once again.

(current time: 3.33am)

i helped two people resolved their problem(s)... i guess that was the one thing that made me happy momentarily.

i feel like throwing something at the wall and hearing it smash into it. i've been playing the guitar and been rather merciless on my guitar strings. i tried confiding in my dog when i came home... but she was too tired so she went to sleep on my lap.

rah, i'm so stupid. just f-ing stupid.

(current time: 3.45am)

yeah i should stop waiting and sleep, haha yeah good night and happy chinese new year =D

dammit. i'm still sitting here.

mom's sleeping, cousin's watching disney channel, grandma watching tv with cousin. i'm still sitting here stoning..... WTF.

yes i'm getting restless and impatient.

should have gone to zong's place.

=|

still still still nothing to do. wtf.

i think i'm done stoning.

this is boring.

still nothing to do.

ugh. nothing to do.

[abandoned.]

i just want to run away.

[endless story.]

went to savie's place in the evening to catch the 7pm and 9pm ch8 shows i missed on friday night, due to the vex celebration.. haha thanks savie! for recording it for me...

i'm having quite a few things to do, but somehow not in the mood to do it. why was i so stupid? ignorance is bliss.

i didnt have enough sleep. i need to sleep much earlier tonight.

hahaha everyone is repainting their houses. yeah... my room's gonna be blue, savie's room is gonna be blue, lester's room is gonna be blue... blue rooms haha.

cny coming soon... nto gonna do much visiting man... seriously... and besides, no one visits me so haha yeah...

life has been rather mundane... a lot of things are placed on my shoulders. i'm trying to carry them... yeah it's making me really tired. my dam is still filling. sian-ded.

sigh, thinking about it just sucks, terribly.

[reason with me.]

yay, my com's alive. and it was all thanks to the power plug. my mum renewed the warranty for like 367 dollars! freaking ex... the dell service engineer changed the usb ports(cause they havent been working since early last year), motherboard and the POWER PLUG. so the problem was there. on wednesday, he was here for the first time and he changed the motherboard but the problem was still not rectified, so he came back yest to do something about it. and yes, here i am.

o level results out yest. delle and jianeng did superb, both with 6 points. stef and val did well too, with 9 points. ah ah ah, i want a single digit, gotta work hard, gotta work hard. there was a lot of crying yest even before the results were released. i wonder if i'll be like that next year. well, something tells me i wont, haha.

vex cebration. the only idiot in school uniform sitting at parkway parade swensens at 8.30pm... cause i went out with savie and zong in the afternoon to get some stuff for arc, then got back to school at 7pm. left the school at 7.30pm and got to parkway at 8.30pm. had baked rice and shared a sundae with asther. it was pretty okay. miss daisy (the whs team in america) made this book thing for the three schools. it had photos from the past two years, when we were there. carmen and phoenix's photo's in there too. yeah... looking at the photos really made me think back a lot. the late nights we had, the stupid things we did. the different stupid names of the tools dom came up with, the times when the teachers were scolding us because our progress was slow and the many wrong things we did, the fun joy and laughter we all shared, the competition and the time when miss daisy came to singapore and all of us hung out with them. hahaha james bought geraldine and i a tshirt each.. haha so sweet of him.

i packed my room. it's not done but i'm pretty glad i started... it was some thing good to keep me occupied since i didnt have my computer with me. threw away a lot of old stuff, and found a lot of letters friends have been giving me since primary school. yeah i kept them and will still be keeping them although savie did say to throw them away because they should be kept in the heart instead of boxes. haha she's right lar.. but i cant bear to throw them away haha.

this blog will be three years old in 6 days, whee. hahaha amazing this is one of the few things i still keep after so long haha.

ah well. i shall go do my stuff. a lot to do.. haha yeah, take care have fun, bye :)

[open house.]

my brother was nice to lend me use his laptop..

went to lasalle open house with savie and zong today... yeah saw a lot a lot of nice stuff man, the art pieces there were nice. haha yeah... going back tomorrow after cip i guess, since lester has to finish up the wall he was painting with his friend today.

my com still not fixed. i'm dying. okay maybe not... cause i survived more than a week without my computer..

i just miss my night elf (nexusblue)

rah yeah....

pretty amazing how i actually survived so yeah...

my com's not the only com... lester's died too... sent to acer on tuesday,.... still no reply... but he needs it more than i do... since he needs it for school...

oh and got a puppy, it's name is cookie... my bro's friend's aunt gave it to us.. it's tamed... it doesnt bark (no worries.. it sint mute cause it barked at a cat and a dog), doesnt bite, and is quite obedint for a puppy... it's 1 yr old according to my brother... yeah female dog, cute, but it looks as though it was abused before or something... it's just so timid... and haha it's sleeping by my bed, all curled.. haha cute little thing.

rahrahrah.

sometimes i just feel weid and insecure over unnecessary stuff because i'm just so damn afraid the bad stuff will happen. you know because of what happened in the past, and what i've been listening to and seeing nowadays, i just get scared. although i saw something that was produced like months ago, whenever i see it, i get frightened, and start to cry, etc.

dom once said my dam would overflow if i keep holding it in lie this... well it almost did once, then well, that little problem was kinda resolved... now my dam's filling up once again. and i made a promise to dom to be a happy little girl, haha sorry for giving you so much trouble dom.

but yeah, i do have this great sense of insecurity most of the time... and it's difficul to shake that feeling off... it isnt easy to shake all those thoughts either... i wanna tell myself it's nothing, stop worrying... but yeah, it's just really difficult trying to convince myself... convincing someone to do something is hard, but convincing yourself is even harder.

but it's not that i never convinced myself to do something before, it took a reat deal of effort to do so...

on tuesday... i never felt that alone, that one hour alone in the park was a horrible feeling... and i was having a bad cold. but yeah.. whatever that happened on tesday, traumatized me for a few days. i'm still thinking about it today. just when i needed you the most, you werent there, but it's okay, you had your reasons and i kinda got through it somehow. i just dont know why i was this traumatized over something like that.. it's like the trust i had for the school just shattered because of one student. i cant say it isnt my fault though. the feeling of being alone was so great, it made me cry. even when i think about it, i just feel so sad and want to cry.

i guess i faltered, just when no one was there to accompany me. this just shows how weak i am. sigh

[pack my room when all else fails.]

survived ss test today. didnt need to study.. nothing from the textbook, omg.

yes, i got scolded for sleeping in class today.

anyways, was doing another flyer distribution today. with just savie and zong... tiara had to leave halfway... well before we got there, haha.

it was kinda fun after that, having group study with them and all. did a lot of silly things, broke my compass and well talked about a lot of things on the way home.

we were sitting in bk for like 3 hours before heading home at about 9.15pm. lester was with us but he went home after that so yeah. savie, zong and i started talking about the future and all, our ambitions and stuff like that. i hvnt really decided what to do yet so yeah. well, at least zong and savie know what they want... i dont...

yeah. what do i want?

i guess the entire conversation on the way home was pretty fun. was joking a lot and well they made my day. hahaha

arc phototaking tomorrow... hahahaha let's see what other retarded things we can think of...

comparing it to the past, it really has shrunk a lot and changed a lot.

i wanna pack my room. surprise surprise. seriously... my room is packed with all the books and papers. i need to clear and sort them out. okay maybe i cant clear it all by tonight... but yeah slowly i guess.

[wish.]

a lot, and i mean A LOT to do.

- amath homework
- emath homework
- ss test tomorrow
- emath test tomorrow
- history essay

history essay will prolly take up 30 mins or less? then my emath will take up about 15 mins. amath homework prolly another 20 mins. emath test (on locus and cumulative frequency), shouldnt be much of a problem if i still remember everything....

and finally

the ss test. my worst subject. wth, three chapters.. this will prolly take me the entire night man... just to study.. man... i think i'll try to finish everything by 2am man... i'm super tired.

went for vex in the afternoon. came back at like 9+pm. then had to shower, eat and everything, and here i am now.

the ss test was to be pushed to next thursday but because the literature people didnt want it on the same day as their lit test, they also voted for it to be tomorrow. sucks man... and it's not as if you can study all three chapters in a matter of hours right? and you have a week, to study the two subjects what... just dont study on the day before the test lar...

so yeah.. because everything was decided so quickly.

let's just say my teacher forgot the ss test was tomorrow, and my class managed to bluff him, telling him he never told us there was no ss test... so he said to have it next week, but because it had to be a thursday, it had to be pulled back to tomorrow.. sigh. having tests and stuff everyday.

and the emath test.. it was gonna be either tomorrow or friday what... and she just told us TODAY there was a test, so yeah, it's this friday. i still have another amath test next week. omg.

that confidence of mine just broke. i just passed my stupid amath test... thats to the b^2-4ac formula. crappy...........

i was already very tired by the time sch ended.. plus i had to go for vex, so yeah, even more tired now, and i still have to study. omg.

and oh yeah, think i screwed up the chem paper today. sheesh...

[triggered.]

i see more and more troubled people around me.

i'm pretty sure i made a terrible mistake today. i hurt someone's feelings today. i'm sorry. my words and actions triggered your train of thoughts, made you feel like a big letdown. the fact is, you arent okay? you're not...

we humans arent perfect. if we were, this place would prolly be boring. well yeah we're all trying to be perfect and all, despite knowing it's prolly impossible. we can only lead almost perfect lives. yeah, i know people who lead almost perfect lives. lives we love to envy, but do not forget, for every single person is unique in their own way. just like fingerprints... everyone is different, why focus on the past when you have the present and the future to look at?

i start to look around me, at the people who are going through the rough times of their lives. i wonder to myself "what can i do to help?"

yeah, i wish i could. having to keep a lot of things a secret and having to act under that restriction, it's difficult. it kinda hurt, seeing so many of my friends so down and troubled. i feel helpless.

when i'm the cause, i dont know what i can do to make things better. for now, apologising wouldnt be able to do anything to help, because whatever i do and say, is wrong. maybe i'm the one being the letdown, screwing up in the present, and may affect the future. who knows man, who knows.

[freaky monday.]

tiring day.

physics test tomorrow T.T

chem test the day after T.T

ss test the day after the day after T.T

oh wait. another chinese test the day after the day after =.=

physics practical today was =.= never heard of the curve of bestfit until TODAY and my tutor was telling me there was no such thing =.= omigosh. yeah

it was a freaky day today though. i decided to skip recess. because i cant stand waiting for 15 minutes just to get the food and only left with 9 mins to eat it.. and the last time i waited, i spilled a little gravy on this poor girl's sleeve, dang-ness, i know, i'm horrid.. she decided it was okay and ran off, so i didnt get my chance of doing something about the sleeve. =.=

so anyway, i was in class with savie, bonnie, jas, jac, the usual (people who skip recess and stay in class), so yeah. i was heading to class with savie when we saw this girl sitting by a corner, crying. yeah we decided it was nothing much so we walked off. well she was right outside our classroom. rah.

okay so we're happily doing our work when "AHHHHH!" yeah someone screamed... as though someone has just violated her. it was really scary... so there was this moment of silence until joy broke it with a whisper, telling us there was this girl crying outside our classroom. then fine...

i moved to the front with bonnie and we were sharing a packet of keropok (she made me bring it home in the end and savie and i finished it), then another scream. it was like he scream of terror or something. bonnie said "she sounds as though she's having severe depression". well yeah, she was kinda true... then two girls suddenly showed up at the door, knocked and said "erm, sorry for all the noise, cause our friend just got her phone confiscated"

i see why now. she cries and screams, all for a phone. i guess the teacher was pretty nasty. okay i didnt know who the heck the teacher was until after recess when it was emath and mrs kunna came in, told us she confiscated a girl's phone, because she was using it in class, smsing "some boy" (i'm just quoting what she said). so yeah. thats why she was outside OUR classroom, cause the CONFISCATION took place in OUR classroom. sad case huh? but it was a little too exaggerated over a phone right? i mean you'll still get your sim card back. you'll get the phone back at the end of the term i think... but well, since it's the START of them term, i kinda understand...

yesh, it was freaky.

met up with jinwei, kage and erm jinwei's friend (sorry togu, i dont remember her name). yeah lester and i met up with them at take and we sat at pasta cafe for more than an hour. i guess it was entertaining listening to their jokes and all that. jinwei bought the dn2 ost and hahaha i still dont get why they said it was the advanced and hi-tech way of using the deathnote. omg i'm slow, very slow.

which reminds me why i'm A YEAR slow... i just told zong today "omg, did you change your specs?" according to them (gerri and savie), she changed them a year ago. yeah, now you get why.

AHAHAHAHHAHA this blog is gonna be 3 years old man!!!! in another 1 month and 1 day, happy birthday BLOG. sheesh. that was wheelchair.

anyway, i'm totally, not totally, DRAINED. if i were totally drained, then i would typing this in my sleep right? ah-ha-ha, bu hao xiao (omg thats so james) yeah, because of pe FIRST thing in the morning. yeah yeah.

bleagh, i'm gonna sleep, good ngiht. bye =)

[sweet world.]

it wasnt the end.

yiqi and gerri gave me three pair of earrings, hahaha at least it isnt that alte compared to last year. come on, they gave me a pig 6-7 months after my birthday =.= thanks for them though, know you two went down to bugis just to specially get them.

asther and enchou got me some bleach stuff from comics connection. hahaha, i heard she (asther) wanted to get me the 69 dollar figurine, ex =.= but thanks anyhow, i'm glad my laopo had her happy ending.

i heard ben still has two more presents for me, and he was flooding the forums. omg. he is crazy lar... i think togusa got mad and locked all the well, ahem, obscene, ahem, threads.

the fact is, i still do feel horrid about what i did in the past. yeah the stupid mistakes i made to hurt people and in turn, hurt myself as well. it was my selfishness that really got me, right there, hit-on.

yeah i'm still good at hurting people, what an idiot. i still throw tantrums and make people feel horrid. one very good example, would be my mum, next lester, next the close friends i have around me. hahaha i can make people hate me for no reason too, pro eh? hahaha no idea, i dont know, i dont know. what can i do? really, what can i do? just sit here and watch, wait for that SOMETHING to fall from the sky, then yay(!)? gee.

at that point of time, i hurt someone very very dear to me, as well as my best friend. i was starting to get so... rah. i started to worry almost everyone around me. even chrystal was wondering if i lost my sanity or something. yeah i was dazed in class. haha, right, since when was i NOT dazed? but anyhow, it happened.

i'm not making any sense, am i? i cant predict what i'll do next, but i just want to keep things the way they are now. i just dont want to start losing, and right till the end, emo in a corner and cry. sucks.

this is such a crappy entry since i havent blogged for 7 days, a week.

oh yeah. i got scolded in class for nothing. retarded story. and savie cant stop laughing at me. yes, i've been rather clumsy and retarded ever since i got back to school.

cca orientation today, i didnt go :'( yes, my last year, and i dont show up. but i heard things went well. thats good to hear i guess. hope the new juniors are not the kinds who love to slack and not come for cca meetings, cause thats what every senior wouldnt want, omg, it's scaring me.

i helped out with their happy ending yest. yeah i know it isnt the end, but haha yeah, at least they kinda resolved "everything". yay for them. haha

i hope i do well for that amath test. i put in hell lot of an effort for that stupid 14-qn test, really. hahaha okay, out of the 14 qns, i managed at least 11 of them, confident of getting an A or a B. wow this is the first time i've felt this confident. haha

bleagh, the newspaper collection is CANCELLED.rah, cause.... he forgot about us. tada, tada! hahaha okay lar... but yeah it's cancelled, and i dont know whats gonna happen cause we already gave out the flyers and it has our school name on it, omigosh... hahaha

ah well, enjoy your weekend, have fun, sayonara :)

[sweet sixteen.]

it was my birthday yesterday.

lester gave me flowers, chocolate and a bottle of wine, haha thanks =D

hahahaha tricia and clovis gave me a really nice present, a forever friends mug! hahaha thanks!!! it's really cute.

edmund gave me 16 stars in a box with a message! haha yeah it's really sweet, thanks kor =)

james gave me this nice keyboard, haha thanks man =)

ms lim gave me chocolates haha, thanks :)

hahaha i was getting more presents this year... well i hvnt got so many presents on my birthday before... and hahaha a lot of people remembered my birthday cause of the friendster reminders, hahahaha yeah, but thanks for all the birthday wishes. when i have the time, i'll post the photos here :)

need to complete my homework, bye :)

[an unspoken fear.]

first day of school. they start talking about the o levels. yeah no surprise. new form teacher is mrs kunna, and since she was telling us all the shoulds and should-nots, i was really starting to get really scared.

it was a rather boring day... with 2 free periods (which lasted 1hr and 10 mins). gerri and i were talking about vex and well, thats all we could talk about... yeah, we were talking about what can be done right now, and stuff like that.

oh yeah, i finished the sweets jinwei gave to me, haha nice.

i was a little out of this world and when joseph sent me an sms about some good news, i was kinda brightened up a lil and yeah hope that little piece of good news would help me get through today.

should i have dinner outside or at home? i'll still be having it alone anyway... so should i cook some instant noodles at home or go out to buy? you know what? maybe i'll just eat an apple like i did for recess today. yeah i ate an apple and nothing else... well my mum did ask me to stop eating so much. lol.

savie, gerri and zong came over after school. we were just talking about some issues and well gerri and i decided to get our information for our project from the textbook since we kinda did it during the 2 free periods.

hahaha i need to buy a lot of things.. well i kinda just realised... i need to buy

1 amath file
1 emath file
1 ss file
1 chem file
1 chinese file
labels
a new file

yeah, i shall buy these stuff buy my subject files by tomorrow? or friday.. the bookshop is always so crowded, as usual... as for labellers, guess i'll buy it with my files... new file prolly from popular haha.

need the space for more TYSs and all the notes... for o levels =.=

i'll clear my stuff now.

i hope i can stop being like this. just hope nothing bad happens just when i have so much faith in it.