[skeletons in my closet are too big for me to hide.]

for the 15 years i've been living on this planet, i thought i had a dad where i didnt have to share with other people, except my brother. when i was 5, my dad bought a cake for my brother and i everyday, and we would celebrate our birthdays everyday. by the time i was 6, it stopped. it was the time for the family to break up. my mum, brother, grandma and i moved to toa payoh.

just recently, a figure from my past has once again reappeared and she has contacted me. although i dont have a bad impression of her, or in fact, any of my cousins, i'm still reminded of what happened in the past. she was my eldest cousin and well when i was just 2, she lived with us, since it was much closer to the JC she was attending (VJC). my parents, especially my mum used to tell me about my cousin, about how she was living with us and played with me. maybe i do remember seeing photos but i never remembered her face. as far as i know, she used to play the guitar to me and watched tv with me. i guess after she graduated, she went home. i heard we were really close then. 2 nights ago, i received a friendster message from her. it seemed she found me and well i left my email with her. she did email me last night and told me she was gonna organise another cousins gathering like she often does because someone is getting married.

just last year, i found out my family's history is so much more complicated than it is already. i found out i had so many more siblings than i already have, and one of them is getting married soon. my mum said to not go to the gatherings because things can happen, and yes thats what i'm afraid of. up to now, i still have so many doubts about how i came about. it didnt bother me until the past was once again dug out. after i see their faces on the net, i feel so... abandoned by my dad again. yeah, my mum has always been there, i know that. but at that time, when my family was breaking up, i was old enough to know what was going on. and i can vividly remember what happened at home. i'm gonna have problems evading that why-are-you-not-going question and it does suck. it's not that i wanna hate my other siblings just cause they exist. it's because they tried to brainwash my brother before that doesnt put them in my good books.

i know i shouldnt be snubbing (i cant find the right word) them because after all, we're still siblings, just step siblings and it wasnt their fault that we're all here. but the fact that our presence would allow tongues to wag, and anything can happen. this is the reason why i dont even visit my relatives nor talk to them.

i'm in this i-dont-know-what-to-do mood. i have so many friends who live in broken families and they're affected by what their parents do. it's not fair to them. why must we bear the consequences for they have done? have they ever thought of how we would turn out in future if things dont go right?

divorces and having remarriages is starting to become a trend in my family, both paternal and maternal sides. i'm not saying all of my aunts and uncles have divorces. but some of them do. my cousin recently filed a divorce.

what's gonna happen in the new future?

the skeletons in my closet are too big for me to hide.

[rubbing salt into the wound.]

last week, i received a DAMN big envelope from SP, it said "IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR 'O' LEVEL STUDENTS" on the envelope. plus it was A4 size. so i thought it may be my dpa results! like yay, finally a response. but it turned out to be a newsletter =.= cheated my feelings. and i was so happy. WAS happy.

today, i received a letter from NP. after monday, i didnt know what to expect already. maybe another letter regarding some i-dont-know-what-talk or something. it sure didnt look like a newsletter. anyways, my mum stood at my room door as i slowly opened the envelope and pulled out the letter. it was indeed regarding my DPA. and well, they just sent it to me to tell me i didnt get it.

"I am writing to thank you for applying to Ngee Ann Polytechnic under the Direct Polytechnic Admission (DPA) Exercise.

Because of the overwhelming number of candidates who had applied for our courses and the very limited number of DPA places available, competition is very keen and we are sorry that we are unable to offer you a place through the DPA Exercise.

We do hope to welcome you as a Ngee Ann Polytechnic freshman, and look forward to your application under the 2008 Joint Admission Exercise (JAE) where many places will be made available. JAE will begin upon the release of the 'O' Level results in January 2008.

We encourage you to continue to study hard, and wish you every success for you 'O' Level examinations. Our Polytechnic offers a vibrant student life. You will enjoy an enriching and memorable learning journey through our broadbased curriculum, Mobile eLearning (MeL), overseas programmes, and rich co-curricular activities offered by more than 130 student clubs. We do hope that, by April next year, you will be a part of our exciting family.

To check our DPA application results with the other polytechnics, you can log on to www.polytechnic.edu.sg/dpa between 13 and 16 August 2007."

terrible. it's like rubbing salt into the wound. and i'm trying to forget monday. however, a lot of people are asking me about my chinese results and how my dpa went. ah well.

i'll putting all of my hopes on my JAE then :)

maybe tomorrow, i'll get a letter from TP HAHA =D

ah well ah well.

goodbye for now.

[double whammy.]

AH FUCK.

my DPA application didnt get through. i got a damn B4 for chinese (with a merit for oral) and i'm feeling damn damn damn demoralised.

since i always had this slow reaction thing, i cried 2 hours after getting my results. like WTF! after that i couldnt stop crying. when i received my results, i jsut stoned. wanted to cry, but i couldnt. ah well

zheming's day was spoilt because of his results too. my day was far worse upon realisation that my DPA application failed me. so, zheming and i are gonna retake. i guess after receiving his results, zheming has come to realise the importance and the anxiety.

was feeling all down and stuff. lester came over, spoke to me about a lot of things, and i felt much much better. i shouldnt be down in the gallows now that time is running out. yeah i still feel that way, but i guess i gotta pick up quick. really thankful he was there when i needed him. i kinda stopped crying after he was there to console me and say really nice and reassuring things. man i gotta work hard. GOTTA WORK HARD MAN!

talking to zheming made me busy for a while, since i was scanning all my oral notes for him because he was having his english orals tomorrow. haha daniel cheered me up knowing about my results and my DPA. haha he made me laugh with the whole new knife clan thing. haha damn cute sia.

sigh. i'm just damn tired now. i need to kick my gaming addiction for now...