[what are we?]

omg i did pretty okay for my amath test.... hahahaha great improvement... rahrah.

oh and since i had an A1 for my previous emath test, my tutor gave me ten bucks, LOL. he said he'll give me ten bucks for every A1. =x

something sucky happened after school. apparently, we received our cca records during assembly and my class was the last to be released. well everytime we receive our cca records, we just lose track of whatever thats happening around us. so then ms stella ho was releasing the classes back to the classrooms what... and our class happened to be the last, and we were sitting there looking at our cca records lar. so then she scolded all of us for not picking up the litter left behind by the other classes in the hall. she scolded us for being second latest (yeah what happened to being the latest?). well i personally think that she didnt need to scold us over two stuipd pieces of tissue paper that were left in the middle of the hall and we were right at the end of the hall. even so, tell us nicely, not scold us right? i dont see the logic. the teachers are biased against us. every single day, we hear teachers saying the same thing over and over again, that we're lazy, not working hard, not putting in the effort. they would say our spirit and characters are great, but we simply cant do well enough. well not as if we didnt try. we know it's our final and important year, and we know we have to work hard. there are people putitng in the effort you know? other than having to tolerate all the crap being thrown at us, we have our personal problems... at the start of the year, mrs kunna said we should stop watching tv, sms-ing, etc. (basically whatever teenages do in their everyday life), because those are our biggest distractions, but they're not... in fact, about 90% of the class face problems in their lives and these problems are what's distracting them.

mrs kunna finally realised it after a while... and well the 2 day 1 night self awareness camp last friday told a lot about what we're going through, and well, everyone will be here for one another because we're 4/8... yeah, there are people in 4/8 who lead happy lives, very happy lives indeed. they get by each day without having to face any problems, always being able to smile and laugh all the time.

i still think the teachers are biased against us... maybe a few arent. but it's quite sad to feel this way... yeah i know of people who look down on our class. it's worse if it looks as though the teachers look down on us.

i know we're noisy at times, we're talkative, we're bad at math, physics and chem, but it doesnt mean we're trying... sigh. i dnot know what to say anymore.

i watched the protege yest... okay come to think of it now... it's my 2nd nc-16 movie i watched at the cinema. red shoes' the first (that one no choice... met wanted to watch it so we all had to watch it. it happened on an arc outing). the movie's a little freaky... but it's not bad. rah rah.

[just different.]

i dont understand why i'm feeling this way. man, i'm fine, i'm fine, i'm gonna be fine. i'm really really really gonna be fine.

dammit, i'm so selfish.

rah, get it off my mind right now. i dont care, i must.

i'm trying not to falter, i keep faltering, it's driving me nuts. i'll try to be happy again. i'm trying hard to go back to who i used to be. i'm afraid of something.

i feel like shattering one of my little dreams right now...

[flames to dust. lovers to friends.]

i want to say a lot of things, but i dare not, because of the fears i have. i can be next to you, shedding tears, but they'll be invisible to you. i dont mean it when i really say it, it's a struggle inside and it hurts a lot... a lot... so much it's enough to tear you right inside and make you cry in pain.

i know i shouldnt be saying this on cny. i just have a lot to say, but dont want to, because i'm afraid of things.

i'm shy too you know? especially around people i dont know so well... it's pretty rare you see me get along very well with people i JUST know...

there are a lot of things i'm afraid of.. i'm afraid of angry people, afraid of people shouting. few know, but they forget. what can i do?

i know this is stupid. it's 3.23am in the morning... i seem to be waiting for something that will not come, which means i'm waiting for nothing. stupid me. dom says i should go sleep, and just forget it. you know what? he might just be right.

i know i'm only capable of screwing things up... pretty much down on luck. even on cny. how i had a bad start and things dont look so bright from then on. sucks right? i was getting really restless and impatient this afternoon (notice my previous posts... rah.). felt as though i was waiting for nothing but the sky to fall, how amusing. haha.

yes james, thanks for enlightening me. so i guess today is a waiting for nothing day for me. i'm starting to feel bitter and stupid once again.

(current time: 3.33am)

i helped two people resolved their problem(s)... i guess that was the one thing that made me happy momentarily.

i feel like throwing something at the wall and hearing it smash into it. i've been playing the guitar and been rather merciless on my guitar strings. i tried confiding in my dog when i came home... but she was too tired so she went to sleep on my lap.

rah, i'm so stupid. just f-ing stupid.

(current time: 3.45am)

yeah i should stop waiting and sleep, haha yeah good night and happy chinese new year =D

dammit. i'm still sitting here.

mom's sleeping, cousin's watching disney channel, grandma watching tv with cousin. i'm still sitting here stoning..... WTF.

yes i'm getting restless and impatient.

should have gone to zong's place.

=|

still still still nothing to do. wtf.

i think i'm done stoning.

this is boring.

still nothing to do.

ugh. nothing to do.

[abandoned.]

i just want to run away.

[endless story.]

went to savie's place in the evening to catch the 7pm and 9pm ch8 shows i missed on friday night, due to the vex celebration.. haha thanks savie! for recording it for me...

i'm having quite a few things to do, but somehow not in the mood to do it. why was i so stupid? ignorance is bliss.

i didnt have enough sleep. i need to sleep much earlier tonight.

hahaha everyone is repainting their houses. yeah... my room's gonna be blue, savie's room is gonna be blue, lester's room is gonna be blue... blue rooms haha.

cny coming soon... nto gonna do much visiting man... seriously... and besides, no one visits me so haha yeah...

life has been rather mundane... a lot of things are placed on my shoulders. i'm trying to carry them... yeah it's making me really tired. my dam is still filling. sian-ded.

sigh, thinking about it just sucks, terribly.

[reason with me.]

yay, my com's alive. and it was all thanks to the power plug. my mum renewed the warranty for like 367 dollars! freaking ex... the dell service engineer changed the usb ports(cause they havent been working since early last year), motherboard and the POWER PLUG. so the problem was there. on wednesday, he was here for the first time and he changed the motherboard but the problem was still not rectified, so he came back yest to do something about it. and yes, here i am.

o level results out yest. delle and jianeng did superb, both with 6 points. stef and val did well too, with 9 points. ah ah ah, i want a single digit, gotta work hard, gotta work hard. there was a lot of crying yest even before the results were released. i wonder if i'll be like that next year. well, something tells me i wont, haha.

vex cebration. the only idiot in school uniform sitting at parkway parade swensens at 8.30pm... cause i went out with savie and zong in the afternoon to get some stuff for arc, then got back to school at 7pm. left the school at 7.30pm and got to parkway at 8.30pm. had baked rice and shared a sundae with asther. it was pretty okay. miss daisy (the whs team in america) made this book thing for the three schools. it had photos from the past two years, when we were there. carmen and phoenix's photo's in there too. yeah... looking at the photos really made me think back a lot. the late nights we had, the stupid things we did. the different stupid names of the tools dom came up with, the times when the teachers were scolding us because our progress was slow and the many wrong things we did, the fun joy and laughter we all shared, the competition and the time when miss daisy came to singapore and all of us hung out with them. hahaha james bought geraldine and i a tshirt each.. haha so sweet of him.

i packed my room. it's not done but i'm pretty glad i started... it was some thing good to keep me occupied since i didnt have my computer with me. threw away a lot of old stuff, and found a lot of letters friends have been giving me since primary school. yeah i kept them and will still be keeping them although savie did say to throw them away because they should be kept in the heart instead of boxes. haha she's right lar.. but i cant bear to throw them away haha.

this blog will be three years old in 6 days, whee. hahaha amazing this is one of the few things i still keep after so long haha.

ah well. i shall go do my stuff. a lot to do.. haha yeah, take care have fun, bye :)

[open house.]

my brother was nice to lend me use his laptop..

went to lasalle open house with savie and zong today... yeah saw a lot a lot of nice stuff man, the art pieces there were nice. haha yeah... going back tomorrow after cip i guess, since lester has to finish up the wall he was painting with his friend today.

my com still not fixed. i'm dying. okay maybe not... cause i survived more than a week without my computer..

i just miss my night elf (nexusblue)

rah yeah....

pretty amazing how i actually survived so yeah...

my com's not the only com... lester's died too... sent to acer on tuesday,.... still no reply... but he needs it more than i do... since he needs it for school...

oh and got a puppy, it's name is cookie... my bro's friend's aunt gave it to us.. it's tamed... it doesnt bark (no worries.. it sint mute cause it barked at a cat and a dog), doesnt bite, and is quite obedint for a puppy... it's 1 yr old according to my brother... yeah female dog, cute, but it looks as though it was abused before or something... it's just so timid... and haha it's sleeping by my bed, all curled.. haha cute little thing.

rahrahrah.

sometimes i just feel weid and insecure over unnecessary stuff because i'm just so damn afraid the bad stuff will happen. you know because of what happened in the past, and what i've been listening to and seeing nowadays, i just get scared. although i saw something that was produced like months ago, whenever i see it, i get frightened, and start to cry, etc.

dom once said my dam would overflow if i keep holding it in lie this... well it almost did once, then well, that little problem was kinda resolved... now my dam's filling up once again. and i made a promise to dom to be a happy little girl, haha sorry for giving you so much trouble dom.

but yeah, i do have this great sense of insecurity most of the time... and it's difficul to shake that feeling off... it isnt easy to shake all those thoughts either... i wanna tell myself it's nothing, stop worrying... but yeah, it's just really difficult trying to convince myself... convincing someone to do something is hard, but convincing yourself is even harder.

but it's not that i never convinced myself to do something before, it took a reat deal of effort to do so...

on tuesday... i never felt that alone, that one hour alone in the park was a horrible feeling... and i was having a bad cold. but yeah.. whatever that happened on tesday, traumatized me for a few days. i'm still thinking about it today. just when i needed you the most, you werent there, but it's okay, you had your reasons and i kinda got through it somehow. i just dont know why i was this traumatized over something like that.. it's like the trust i had for the school just shattered because of one student. i cant say it isnt my fault though. the feeling of being alone was so great, it made me cry. even when i think about it, i just feel so sad and want to cry.

i guess i faltered, just when no one was there to accompany me. this just shows how weak i am. sigh