[17 february, hello.]

HAHA FINALLY! AFTER 3 DAYS I CAN LOG INTO BLOGGER!

this is so cute!



3 days ago i wanted to blog, but i forgot my password. either i forgot the pw, or someone hacked my acc! LOL. finally fixed the problem! lol

this week has been a rather tiring week. hahaha i wake up in the morning and stone for 10-20 mins before i move my lazy bum...

i just received my enrolment documents from SP to biotech. rawr. i'm giving this up for the second time... lol. i dont know man. kinda sucks lar.

i have a goal now. secret :D

staying in jc, i understood what i had to go through other than listening to the lectures again. i know there will always be people who are prejudiced against us. haha i'm not looking down on repeat students, but hahaha since i came back to school, the group of us have received all sorts of crap from people and all, even the new j1s. it sucks and all, yes it does. but not everyone is like that lar, thats a bit of encouragement :)

when i chose to stay, i knew i had to be mentally prepared for a lot of things, maybe more than what i had to be prepared for last year. last year, i had to be so prepared for pw. this year, it's more. it's not just having to have the patience to do something i did again, it's the disgusting remarks i will have to receive this year. my friends tell me they can't believe i retained. they think i know everything, but honestly, who really knows what happened last year? or rather, who would know better than i do?

i gave up halfway last year. my confidence and motivation went out the window after my mid years and my energy went to pw. i started to sleep in lessons and all. when people ask me how to do some things, they asked what i knew. but there are still things i dont know.

i admit being sore about repeating and all. and well it does suck lar. but whats over is over. i want to start new and i will prove myself again like i have done so 2 years ago. i want to prove myself, to so many people. is that good? what is wrong with me man.

my new class, 1S19, is pretty awesome. haha there's li an! when i decided to leave for poly, she was one of the few people i didnt want to leave behind and all and she was trying so hard many times to persuade me to stay. oh and my class is dominated by males. we have 8 girls and 15 guys. lol. the guys only know how to suan me. suan my name, suan me for my toe, for everything luh! LOL. doh..... but all in all, i kinda find them a really nice bunch of people and hey, it was much better than i thought. i found myself laughing a lot this week thanks to them. we do really funny crazy things sometimes.

i still miss my 1S24 2008 though. we recently celebrated Ms Woo's birthday last friday and seeing them work so hard together, i do feel a bit left out. i go to A1-1 quite frequently and i see many things there. it's funny, and dramatic.... but the first time i stepped in there after SO LONG, i could see memories of michelle chasing aaron and greg around... tak kin studying in the corner of the classroom, me sitting next to him, eating my stupid chicken mayo sandwich and drinking my all time favourite iced milk tea from good news cafe. i then saw myself sitting with gwynna at the other end of the classroom, chatting and all. see myself sitting around with vera, gwynna and yuxuan, and do all sorts of fun stuff like sing the llama song! lol. really a lot of memories. i almost cried, but i didnt. after which, i still went back there, sat at the places i used to sit at, do my work till i fall asleep. li an and i were there yesterday for about half an hour, doing a bit of our work and talking about old times haha.

man, i feel like i've been sleeping for so long.

[a film without sound.]

many times i told myself to ignore it.

but for the first time today, i'm actually thinking of just giving in, giving up.

today is a thinking day for me. i thought about a lot of things, asked a lot of whys. i wonder why things have gone this way and i wonder if it's my fault

i looked back on today and asked myself what i should or shouldn't have done. and there are many things i wished i didnt have answers but my curiosity is so hungry for answers.

ignorance is bliss.

i want to talk about today but my mind's so clouded with all sorts of bad stuff and stuff that has been happening. i wished i had a clearer picture and stop deceiving myself. stop being so damn naive.

i used to think you get what you offer. in other words, you do something for someone and maybe, most probably, do that something back. i'm still living in that dream when i have so many times faced disappointment. it's becoming a habit for me to just do things for people, neglecting the consequences and i end up getting hurt. finally, i have no one to blame but myself. i start to feel guilty, and feel terrible.

it's like what the P said about falling into the same hole over and over again. is it because i keep forgetting or is it because i haven't found that other route? someone, tell me. help me.

haha how amusing. i havent blogged for days and here i am again, with negative stuff.

i havent been this negative in a while.

i ask myself what i should or shouldnt have done today. what i should or shouldnt have done yesterday. or maybe the day before, friday, thursday, etc. is this regretting? or reflecting, searching for an alternative to get me out of this mess. or maybe an answer to what's happening now.

i should stop thinking. a lot of things that were said, that happened are dawning on me now. and they aren't very good. gawd, i'm tired.

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this song has been in my head for days. and it carries a lot. really a lot. both good and bad.