[merry christmas]

merry christmas to all!

it was a bad morning for me on xmas eve. but i guess things got better once i got out of the house.

things have been happening these fews days, not only to myself, but to many other people around me. people breaking up, constant arguements that never seem to end and an unpleasant emotional rollercoaster.

i'm still feeling stressed when it's the HOLIDAYS. my boyfriend is not in town for a month, so i cant cry. it's making me extra stressed. not because i'm afraid he'll find someone else, but because i have to suppress everything. sigh sigh.

i'm not emo. but i just become temporarily emo at times when i argue with lester ONLINE. yeah wtf right? lol but no, i'm not emo.

[i love Farenheit.]

the O levels are finally over for me. damn tired. look like a panda and yes not used to the non O levels days where mugging stops for now.

i want the WoW battlechest.
i want Call of Duty 4. the demo is fun.
i want the Orange Box. i love TF2.

but these all cost money. RAH

been watching a lot of farenheit serials, such as 终极一家 (Zhong Ji Yi Jia, aka "The X Family") and 公主小妹 (Gong Zhu Xiao Mei, aka "Romantic Princess"). finished 终极一家, all 55 episodes.

click here -> 终极一家
click here -> 公主小妹

it's been a really long while since i started watching my taiwanese idol dramas. hur, it's really making life so much more dreamy.

ah well. much to do during the holidays. i wanna go to SPCA to do some volunteer work, like take care of the pets there. not afraid of being bitten or scratched :D

grad night next week. went out window shopping for 3 hours with savie today. yes, we're not the shopping kind, so it was really tiring T.T but yeah worth it. grad night's gonna cost a bomb. so does everything else.

[skeletons in my closet are too big for me to hide.]

for the 15 years i've been living on this planet, i thought i had a dad where i didnt have to share with other people, except my brother. when i was 5, my dad bought a cake for my brother and i everyday, and we would celebrate our birthdays everyday. by the time i was 6, it stopped. it was the time for the family to break up. my mum, brother, grandma and i moved to toa payoh.

just recently, a figure from my past has once again reappeared and she has contacted me. although i dont have a bad impression of her, or in fact, any of my cousins, i'm still reminded of what happened in the past. she was my eldest cousin and well when i was just 2, she lived with us, since it was much closer to the JC she was attending (VJC). my parents, especially my mum used to tell me about my cousin, about how she was living with us and played with me. maybe i do remember seeing photos but i never remembered her face. as far as i know, she used to play the guitar to me and watched tv with me. i guess after she graduated, she went home. i heard we were really close then. 2 nights ago, i received a friendster message from her. it seemed she found me and well i left my email with her. she did email me last night and told me she was gonna organise another cousins gathering like she often does because someone is getting married.

just last year, i found out my family's history is so much more complicated than it is already. i found out i had so many more siblings than i already have, and one of them is getting married soon. my mum said to not go to the gatherings because things can happen, and yes thats what i'm afraid of. up to now, i still have so many doubts about how i came about. it didnt bother me until the past was once again dug out. after i see their faces on the net, i feel so... abandoned by my dad again. yeah, my mum has always been there, i know that. but at that time, when my family was breaking up, i was old enough to know what was going on. and i can vividly remember what happened at home. i'm gonna have problems evading that why-are-you-not-going question and it does suck. it's not that i wanna hate my other siblings just cause they exist. it's because they tried to brainwash my brother before that doesnt put them in my good books.

i know i shouldnt be snubbing (i cant find the right word) them because after all, we're still siblings, just step siblings and it wasnt their fault that we're all here. but the fact that our presence would allow tongues to wag, and anything can happen. this is the reason why i dont even visit my relatives nor talk to them.

i'm in this i-dont-know-what-to-do mood. i have so many friends who live in broken families and they're affected by what their parents do. it's not fair to them. why must we bear the consequences for they have done? have they ever thought of how we would turn out in future if things dont go right?

divorces and having remarriages is starting to become a trend in my family, both paternal and maternal sides. i'm not saying all of my aunts and uncles have divorces. but some of them do. my cousin recently filed a divorce.

what's gonna happen in the new future?

the skeletons in my closet are too big for me to hide.

[rubbing salt into the wound.]

last week, i received a DAMN big envelope from SP, it said "IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR 'O' LEVEL STUDENTS" on the envelope. plus it was A4 size. so i thought it may be my dpa results! like yay, finally a response. but it turned out to be a newsletter =.= cheated my feelings. and i was so happy. WAS happy.

today, i received a letter from NP. after monday, i didnt know what to expect already. maybe another letter regarding some i-dont-know-what-talk or something. it sure didnt look like a newsletter. anyways, my mum stood at my room door as i slowly opened the envelope and pulled out the letter. it was indeed regarding my DPA. and well, they just sent it to me to tell me i didnt get it.

"I am writing to thank you for applying to Ngee Ann Polytechnic under the Direct Polytechnic Admission (DPA) Exercise.

Because of the overwhelming number of candidates who had applied for our courses and the very limited number of DPA places available, competition is very keen and we are sorry that we are unable to offer you a place through the DPA Exercise.

We do hope to welcome you as a Ngee Ann Polytechnic freshman, and look forward to your application under the 2008 Joint Admission Exercise (JAE) where many places will be made available. JAE will begin upon the release of the 'O' Level results in January 2008.

We encourage you to continue to study hard, and wish you every success for you 'O' Level examinations. Our Polytechnic offers a vibrant student life. You will enjoy an enriching and memorable learning journey through our broadbased curriculum, Mobile eLearning (MeL), overseas programmes, and rich co-curricular activities offered by more than 130 student clubs. We do hope that, by April next year, you will be a part of our exciting family.

To check our DPA application results with the other polytechnics, you can log on to www.polytechnic.edu.sg/dpa between 13 and 16 August 2007."

terrible. it's like rubbing salt into the wound. and i'm trying to forget monday. however, a lot of people are asking me about my chinese results and how my dpa went. ah well.

i'll putting all of my hopes on my JAE then :)

maybe tomorrow, i'll get a letter from TP HAHA =D

ah well ah well.

goodbye for now.

[double whammy.]

AH FUCK.

my DPA application didnt get through. i got a damn B4 for chinese (with a merit for oral) and i'm feeling damn damn damn demoralised.

since i always had this slow reaction thing, i cried 2 hours after getting my results. like WTF! after that i couldnt stop crying. when i received my results, i jsut stoned. wanted to cry, but i couldnt. ah well

zheming's day was spoilt because of his results too. my day was far worse upon realisation that my DPA application failed me. so, zheming and i are gonna retake. i guess after receiving his results, zheming has come to realise the importance and the anxiety.

was feeling all down and stuff. lester came over, spoke to me about a lot of things, and i felt much much better. i shouldnt be down in the gallows now that time is running out. yeah i still feel that way, but i guess i gotta pick up quick. really thankful he was there when i needed him. i kinda stopped crying after he was there to console me and say really nice and reassuring things. man i gotta work hard. GOTTA WORK HARD MAN!

talking to zheming made me busy for a while, since i was scanning all my oral notes for him because he was having his english orals tomorrow. haha daniel cheered me up knowing about my results and my DPA. haha he made me laugh with the whole new knife clan thing. haha damn cute sia.

sigh. i'm just damn tired now. i need to kick my gaming addiction for now...

[blue.]

life has pretty much sucked these days.

i'm finding myself being sucked into a black hole again. and i hate it. when i look around me, even though it's my room, i see this black dark nothing instead. i'm so clouded by my own issues and the same negativity is devouring me.

i dont mean to be emo, but it really sucks to be like this. i'm losing everything. my mind, my sanity, and control over my own feelings. i'm starting to succumb to every problem on the way and i dont know what i want. i just feel like taking extra panadol to numb myself. that feeling really sucks. i know i made a promise, thats why i'm stopping myself.

i feel like sleeping, becuase i wont feel sad at all from sleeping. but i bloody hell have 4 tests tomorrow. and i hvnt even started.. look at the time already! i've spent the time i had sleeping and crying. i feel empty and alone. wtf. i hate this feeling.

i'm not the only one with issues and problems, which leaves me feeling helpless and so useless. i feel stupid, and i know i'm dumb. wtf.

when i crossed the road on the way home, i wanted to jay walk and get home quicker to throw myself into bed and do nothing. traffic wasnt busy, just a few cars passing by, i thought to myself "can i cross now?" i didnt in the end, just waited. as i watched the cars drive by, i felt like throwing myself onto one of them and experience a much greater pain than what i am experiencing right now. you may think "this girl here is just being emo and she's just throwing her life away", but that was just how i felt at that very moment. i didnt in the end. if i did, i wouldnt be here right now. maybe a greater pain would be enough to clear most of my problems and i would feel so numb, i forget the pain i'm going through now. it was probably the quickest yet the most dangerous and ineffective way of solving my problems. lying in the hospital in pain, with a broken leg would prolly be a pain greater than what i feel now. but ah well.

i wont say no one understands how i feel. no one would understand because i'm shutting up. and why am i shutting up? i seem to have a problem with expressing myself properly and making my feelings and problems known. yeah i know when i say that, most people will say "it's not that difficult! you're just finding excuses! and it's not that you dont know how, you just dont want to" yeah sure, go ahead and think that way. but i really do have difficulties okay? no matter how hard i try, i cant, because i dont know how and sometimes i'm just afraid of the consequences okay? i may have to bear with another problem, like lack of trust or something like that. just something to do with that particular person's emotions and how i hurt them.

[signal fire.]

hello blog

you are now again reactivated!

haha just joking...

man i really havent blogged in ages huh?

it has been 11 days since i did...

anyways... june holidays were spent indoors... well 90% of the time..

haha i finished the entire emath tys, which was good! had to go for classes for the first two weeks of june... it was tiring man... but it's over now...

and the homework was OVERLOAD. come on lar... at least (means there was more) 17 papers (consisting of prelim papers, GCE O levels papers and mid year papers) in two weeks? WTF right?

i can safely say the only subjects i could finish by the end of the hols were english and chem. i finished 3/4 of all my emath homework.. all i was left with were two prelim papers... even mrs kunna said she felt there was too much homework for us.

because of the homework, we're all tired by the third day of school, which is today. ACTUALLY, you could say we were all dead beat by the first day of school. IT'S THE THIRD DAY OF SCHOOL TODAY FOR PETE'S SAKE! and i have been sleeping at 3am for the past two nights, it sucks, terribly... i instantly felt asleep when i wanted to catch a wink during recess. waiting for the weekend, when we can all take a 3 day break. no school on monday... yay!

so what did i do for the last two weeks of hols? let's see..

i went to the newpaper cyberchallenge held at funan, from 14th june to 17th june. was there to give my support for Bf.Nut and see see look look at the same time. i was at funan at 1030am in the morning, before the event started on the 14th. saw mr tan there. wah when i was looking at the participants' in game names the night before, i saw an eric309 playing cnc3... and i O.O... really... savie said it may just be a coincidence, but 309? who the heck would use 309? so anyways, it turned out he was there, before the thing started... but he dumb dumb lar... was there on the wrong day. finally told him and he was like "AH waste time!" and went shopping for stuff... i guess he was pretty shocked to see me as well. but anyways... the first day i was there, it was really boring... Recon.Kid's team made it to finals... their preliminary match against JEDI was a scary one. they almost lost man. so yeah, Bf.Nut clinched all the prizes for the bf2142 tournament, 1st, 2nd and 3rd.

on the day of the finals, the 17th, i was there alone. hung out with Bf.Nut int he end. went to cine for the GXL roadshow. played rainbow six, lost AHAHAHAHA. i noob i noob. went home after that...

then lester was back from thailand on the 23rd! went to the airport to kinda pick him up... spent an hour waiting for him and talking to kenny at the same time. the long one month of waiting finally paid off and he was finally back! yay! man, it was tough having to only be able to see him through the 19 inch screen everyday.

i should start on my homework soon haha...

happy 10 month anniversary lester :) thanks for making the last 10 months worth living for.. you too have giving me the motivation to work hard for the future and i'm happy to know we have indeed shared many many memories, both good and bad. even though we fight a lot, have a lot of issues here and there, i'm glad we're still here together and fighting together. we'll prove everyone else wrong about us okay? let's be happy always =D

[so much violence ends in silence.]

no email.
no comic.

so much for hoping.

so much for promising me lar.

i'm fucking up every detail, screwing everything bad and upside down.

easy, thats it.

i'm sorry.

[inexplicable aegis.]

run away with the inexplicable aegis.

[wrong fever.]

i'm a having a fever...

and i got scolded for having a fever...

i have been having a fever since last night. when i realised my fever hasnt subsided this morning, i told my mum i wasnt going to school because of the fever and she scolded me and wanted me to go to school. but my temp was about to reach 39 degrees celsius. i didnt go in the end, but because of the fever, she said i was slacking and said i didnt want to go school. i proved to her i did have a fever but she just scolded me and gave me that silent treatment.

is it wrong to have a fever?

then she said i'll go to ITE and that my mid year results cant even get me to poly. thats when i started to doubt mrs kunna's words about not worrying about the mid years. she said

"dont worry about your mid year results. you dont have to sit there and cry. just as long as you know where you went wrong, work hard for the prelims and your o levels"

then she starts to say a lot of things contradicting what she say earlier. i dont know what she told my mum, but i doubt what she said. because it seems to me that the mid years really is a BIG thing and we ought to sit and cry about it.

not only that... i totally got condemned. my bro just said to me this afternoon "you no o levels arh? prepare to stay back one year"

instead of saying stuff about me ending up nowhere, cant i hear something encouraging from you people?

i'm having a fever and a really bad headache that has been going on since last night. i have to sleep with the headache, do everything with the headache. and all i got today was for me to cry even more, and it made my headache worse...

my mum even said things like "now that you stopped gaming, you're moving to your animations?" i hvnt even touched my anime for a long time and i was just gonna watch that few bleach episodes i missed. she even said things like "then you didnt get a fever from watching your animations yesterday afternoon?"

i got the fever LAST NIGHT. omg.

and so, i got condemned just like that, all cause of the fever.

if i could, i choose not to have the fever because it's relly painful and having to bear with the headache, the sore throat and the fatigue, it's bad. and i feel so weak already... honestly, i feel like i'm about to faint.

got 2days mc. even so, it doesnt help but answer for my absence in school. cause even if i still have a fever tomorrow, i HAVE to go to school.

suddenly, the O levels just seem so much more important than trying to get well soon. i wonder if i go on like this, am i gonna die tomorrow?

sigh.

[o levels. sian.]

ah this sucks.

nagged at for o levels....

this really sucks

did DAMN badly for mid years.

1. never study properly T.T
2. papers damn difficult, plus some were super modified.
eg physics paper, no mcq, failed

i never failed science before. so damn sian lar. and today mrs kunna says i looked so spaced out in her class. if that was the case, how the heck did i get A1 for emath? you tell me lar... she said i looked spaced out in HER class (emath) and i get an A1 for emath.

really damn sian. i need someone to talk to now. like really talk heart to heart ya know? sheesh, just really need someone now... sigh.

chinese Os next monday, i feel dead. i will go through all my worksheets and keep doing them.

sigh, o levels - sian

not to mention the o levels are pushed 2 weeks forward. sucks.

and i might just consider applying for DPA (Direct Polytechnic Admission) for Temasek Poly, either biotech or chem... i think i'll most prolly go for biotech. i dont feel safe having to study econs in JC, honestly. now that they made it compulsory to take a non-mat/science sub in JC, going to JC would prolly mean seeking my own death. EVEN IF i tyco tyco (okay not possible, but managed to) get into a science stream at JC, math and science would be in depth already, not to menation econs need a lot of memory space and i dont have enough ram to be that good, i would be asking myself to go to hell if i were to go to JC right?

damn, this entire entry is all about O levels. RAH

plus, we have to like write our own testimonials... or rather, they want us to write out statement of experiences in IJ so that it makes things easier for the teachers to write our testimonials... WTH. all by 1st june lar. hello? i've done so much in my past 4 years, participated in so many competitions... tell me what to write... not to mention a really really really really long reflection (like prolly 40 pages long) to prove our teachers how mature we are... i dont know if i can rememeber every slightest thing i did. lemme think

secretary sec 1
class comm sec 2
class comm sec 4
frs
njrc
space robot
robofest
fll
netball carnival sec 1 2 3
games festival
cross country
sports day sec 1 2 3 4
honours day sec 1 and 3
.
.
.
.
.
.

A LOT LAR i cant remember, a large chunk in cca records, but not every single thing is in there... have to include all the other random things too, which i cant hardly rememeber. i've done so much in sec 1, worked my guts out in the class comm, in all three committees for netball carnival for two years. played and salvaged cheerleading team with shar in sec 2 (honestly that was horrendous because jess and clare told the two of us they were ponning netball carnival the next day without telling anyone else and we, the tomboyish people in class, had to cover them up by being reserves in the cheerleading team for them lar....). we won in the end haha. plus in sec 2, the rest of the class pang sehed me and mrs wong and i was the only student there at novena church trying to clear the cocoa tree vouchers with mrs wong's daughter (she's not even in ij....)

it went like this...

this is a post i copied and pasted from my past entries dated 6 February 2005... damn old, but it's still around and it totally depicts what exactly happened that day... i really hated the way i typed in the past, with all the short forms. please bear with it. haha and bear with the really immature writing, rah sorry, paiseh paiseh, sec 2 at that point of time...

----------------------

Sunday, February 06, 2005
today was a vry bad day for me.


- i was abandoned in orchard, n someone like me, who doesnt have a sense of direction, took forever to find taka.
- the sales of vouchers in the morning was pretty bad
- no one came for the evening shift


great just great! this is not my worst day ever though... anyway. thanks to my DEAR FRIENDS who have clearly n totally forgotten abt me, i was stuck in orchard like a lost sheep. aparently pple, i dun go to orchard much n neither do i really enjoy gg there that much. i got to far east only for the sake of sunny bookshop n thats where it started. they left me behind. n when im done browsing the shop, they were at the mrt station...


to dear dan, lyn, mich n lynette:
my dear friends, thanks for leaving me behind and forgotten abt me. wahaha


so then i spent an hour in kino reading n spent 10 mins looking for the rurouni kenshin manga series. they only have volume 2, 3 n 5. its 15 bucks. i shall start having the habit of saving up. n in case my mum doesnt know, i dun spend money like i waste water. man, u juz dun know, so juz stop comparing me with mr businessman, coz i dun need that at all. anywa, as i was saying, i was forgotten by my dear friends and finally found my way to taka, then spent time in kino. then i went down to basement 2 n bought muah chee n ding ding candy. then walked around aimlessly until 4pm n took a bus back to novena for evening shift. reached at 4.25pm. prayed n waited.... waited... finally, mrs wong appears. n it was 4.55pm by then. so she actually tght the others have not cum coz its not 5pm yet. but in the end, no one came. n so i was the only ij girl in uniform walking arnd. mrs wong's daughter came along too. so the both of us sold the vouchers and we earned $160 frm there. mrs wong told me to go home coz celine (mrs wong's daughter)n i were the only ones selling n it was also difficult for us. so i did go home.


in the morning, we saw mrs eugenie tan, n she looked weird. she cut her hair n dyed it brown. she was wearing a green n white striped shirt, so i cudnt recognize her, even though she was standing right in front of me. marian fernandez, mel soh n mrs stephen was there too.


had reunion dinner after the evening shift n blah. not much, excet my bro had to fight with me over salmon. we didnt fight. but when im reaching out for that particular salmon piece, he will snatch it on purpose. my mum's bf thinks its funny. well, i dun think it is, coz it was pissing me off. then was pissed off for an entire evening thanks to him coz he had to come into the room to spite me. ok im really tired now coz of the amt of energy i have spent walking n talking, especially if u had to say the same things over n over again... ok, good night n bb! =]

----------------------

ah sian...

[the answer.]

wtf. the area where i dumped all my books after i study for the exams is messy, and my brother made it worse by dumping his ps2 games there, all of them. crumpling my notes and papers. WTF. not only that, my computer area is messy too, because he dumped his fucking bowl of ice cream there. he left it there since last night after not being able to finish it. WTF. it's not mine but i have to sit in front of it. if i make noise, he scolds me WTF WTF WTF.

my room is like a junkyard. esp my com area. WHY?! because my brother dumps his food wrappers and food there. so his fucking area is supposed to be cleaner becuase my area is a junkyard? WTF!

3 bleddy papers LEFT!

AHHHHHHH

english
chinese
social studies
emath
geography
chemistry
amath
history
physics

on the 28th of May, i'm having my GCE 'O' Level CHINESE sia...

can die can die.

i'm damn scared. how how how.

rah, no point getting scared.

three days before another difficult farewell. i didnt think it would have been this soon, but it is. sigh sigh.

the ice cream staring at me is making me sick. seriously it is. i told my bro and all he says is "WAIT LAR! @#$%^&*!!!! " but i know he'll NEVER, and i mean NEVER EVER do it, because he's too busy mapling. CRAP MAPLE LAR! it wrecks lives!

i want the corrinne may chiristmas album hahaha. the song 'the answer' is nice.

http://profile.imeem.com/LxAFGb/music/HnnMth61/the_answer/

i know it's a little too late right? cause christmas was like 5 months ago? hahaha but it's nice man.

i wonder if mag got the album... maybe she did? hahaha considering we were both always talking abuot corrinne may songs and stuff. let's just say she was the only one i know that likes corrinne may other than me before i met lester. haha.

i recently uploaded a playlist on my friendster profile page. it's.. haha nice...

http://profile.imeem.com/IaJUjR/playlist/X8uPnXxj/

watched spidey 3, it's nice, damn nice, but so many people died. ahh, sad man... strongly encouraged to watch man... dont understand why that bugger who commented on yahoo movies said it was BBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG

haha he dont know how to appreciate sia...

oh i need headphones like the ones lester has, because i need to cancel the noise around me when i'm at home....

yeah i should go eat, study and have tuition. bye then. good luck to those having exams :)

[inexplicable aegis.]

exams are here. the horror. the nightmare.

chinese prelims tomorrow... RAH.

i dont wanna talk about today's eng exam, i just dont.

rah.

i'm tired.

[meet the robinsons =D.]

on the way home, i was smelling the perfume off someone else's clothes. not my fault, the train was too packed. haha random.

i think i failed my 2.4km run sia... FIRST time. i was having a terrible headache when i was running, which totally made me lose it. rah..... the headache wasnt that bad last year lor... and hannah decided to run the final lap with me. she was driving nuts in a good way lar. haha. she damn cute lar.

lemme think..... i had a lot of things to blog about before i came home, now it's just stuck at the back of my mind... DANG.

i realised. i cant sleep late... since i've been going to bed at like 12am, or 1am, i seem to just ko atound that time. rah.

ij fiesta this friday... other than the $5 coupons we all HAD to buy, i'm really broke. hahha shall sit at the booth all day then...

meet the robinsons is nice, please watch. the dino is damn funny. haha



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S396-fnLldk

hahaha damn cute sia.... it's a damn cool movie...

okay i shall go do my work first.. take care :) bye

[a part of me is dead and in the ground.]

just woke up from a nightmare. a nightmare that never happened but i had it before. every single detail did not change. all the tears, the deaths, the bitterness. just woke up in tears.

today is good friday. no school. what am i going to do today?

i guess i wanted to watch a movie this afternoon, but now i cant, unless i choose to watch it alone. i know i'm letting another day pass away. it seems like today is another rare day when i'm free for a movie, but i'm waiting, seems like i'll be waiting for nothing today. even if i tell myself to not mind it at all, i'll still be greatly affected by it at the end of the day. i dont know if what i just said made any impact, well, i cant hope for much.

i'll build a bigger and better dam this time.

the clock is ticking away...

i just laid in bed for half an hour, hoping for all that bitterness in me to fade away. it isnt enough. it isnt at all. i was replaying the same song over and over again. about an hour has past since i just woke up... and it's still there.

no one will save me. i wont bother to scream for help. i just thought to myself, maybe some coincidence will happen, and save me from myself right now. however, i seem to doubt that. sigh.

------------------

Where We Gonna Go From Here - Mat Kearney

All of your ways and all your thunder
Get me in a haze running for cover
Where we gonna go from here
We we gonna go from here

Car lights in the driveway
I wonder who's going coming my way
Tomorrow we're turning down the highway
With another bright state on a weekday
Green grass and a radio
Watching it fly past and away we go
Seven hundred places seven hundred faces more

[chorus]
All your ways and all your thunder
Got me in a haze running for cover
Where we gonna go from here
Where we gonna go from here
The back of your eyes look like my mothers
When we talk your like my brother
Where we gonna go from here
Where we gonna go from here

Time is moving on our side
How could I miss you to another guy
Pull of the ocean and the roaring tide
Is bigger than my eyes or my design
Father got a best plan
Saving his daughter for the best man
Seven hundred places seven hundred faces more

[chorus]

I've waited and I'll wait some more
Won't see me knocking on another door
But all this is crazy and amazing
There's only one half of us that I'm saving
So I'm praying just to let it go
Watch from a distance just to see you glow
Seven hundred places seven hundred faces more

[chorus]

[where we gonna go from here.]

no news. sucks. i feel dead.

it feels great just having to tell dom something and you start to realise something, he's a great friend, thanks dom...

i got angry over really trivial and stuff and over childish reasons... at first i didnt wanna tell anyone, but it felt better after talking to him about it, thanks man :)

i was reading this week's newsweek during english today. it was about the soldiers in iraq who perished... there were soldiers as young as 18... and as i read a letter by this 26 year old soldier who died... in one of his last sentences, he wrote "tell ashlea that i was sorry and stupid and i really did love her." i almost cried reading that.. it's like not being able to tell someone you love whatever you wanted to say and you're gone... and ashlea must be damn sad to know this... and this guy... he willingly went for it... there was this sergeant who wrote to either his wife, or girlfriend "hi honey, i hope you had a good valentine's day. i love you soooo much! i can't wait for all this to be over. five guys..." it's like he missed spending an important day with that special someone and he'll never get that chance... and we're all here celebrating it so happily. sheesh, why did the iraq war have to happen. each letter that was published in this week's issue of newsweek really wanted to make me cry. there was this guy who was a lance coporal and he was enlisted straight out of high school.... even though his handwriting was messy and scribbly, but every word he said just really wanted to make me cry. he was reminiscing his happy past with every family member and a good friend he had... rah, so damn sad.

sigh...

[and the pain you feel is a different kind of pain.]

i didnt want to, but i still listened to the radio the whole night last night. i didnt mean it, because i fell asleep before i could switch it off. haha.

lots of homework... geog is like crazy.. oh wait, there's a probability test tomorrow, crap.

had to put up with a lot of things this afternoon. even when i came home... sigh sigh.

i'm just having another bad day. sucks....

it sucks to have too much homework to handle, and to complete

1 history essay
1 chinese essay
a lot of geog homework
amath sums

it doesnt seem a lot, but it feels a lot. oh not to forget. tuition homework

whole of probability in emath TYS
whole of waves in physics TYS
functions in amath TYS

yes, 3 chapters... but it's due sat...

and not to mention, i'm really tired right now... and broke too..... yes. ARGH.

i hate it when i have to think of money too... RAHRAH

rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant

end of ranting. haha take care, off to do my work, bye!

[but these places and these faces are getting old.]

it's been a really hectic two weeks since the school term started. have been rushing my work for two weeks, i can say, it's much lighter now...

sports day (22nd march 07) - we won. yeah green house clinched the house cup this year. hahaha we clinched it when i was in sec 1 and now we're clinching it again in my sec 4 year. savina's lion banner won though... hahaha. i dont know how but i slept for half an hour when it's so noisy there...

kbox after that, it turned out only jesmine and i were the last ones who actually went. sad, but ah well, i promised her i would go like months ago.

cnc 3 tiberium wars game launch on 26th, hahaha hell lot of people... sadly, i didnt have the money to buy it, unlike jinwei who spent all and i really mean ALL his money on cnc3.... that would include his savings... he pre-ordered it just like dom and lester, and they all got the kane edition. i dont even have the money to buy the game, rah.

mid years in a few weeks. in a FEW WEEKS. i feel dead, seriously i just do. and i cant stop wanting to play games. why now........... WHY NOW?! hahaha. rah.

dots, and i hvnt watched hana kimi for days... the last time i watched it was last saturday, the 24th. rah.

lester's sick rah, i dont know what to do, i think i passed it to him.

no school this friday... there's always a day off every week since school term started... week 1, monday, thursday and friday free. week 2, monday free. this week, friday free... what is this man????

i should stop listening to the radio overnight, before i toast my brain. rah.

count the number of rahs i already said. haha rahrahrahrahrah.

this is a nice song... it's about how the troops in iraq and afghanistan felt. meaningful.. really..

---------------------------------

Home - Daughtry

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, it makes true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

[hana kimi.]

once again what are we?

yeah the whole school looks down on us, 4/8. is there anyone that believes in us?

mrs kunna scolds us everyday. for being late, for not learning anything, for not being good enough, for not studying enough.

we are late for class because the teachers release us late. we dont go to the canteen for like 5 mins after class then go for the next class... we go straight for the next class. do you know before the homeroom system was abolished, and 4/4 decided to relocate themselves on the first floor for like 6months, while we were on the 4th floor, with the geog class on the first floor, we all had to run like mad from the fourth floor down to the first just to get there before mrs helen tan comes in, so that we wont get punished? she expects punctuality but we dont get that in return, therefore delaying our next class.

do you know that we are always held back by teachers of the previous lessons and that is why we cannot make it to class on time? when we dont, we get into trouble and it's all because we were held back. when we give that reason, the teacher would say "then YOU have the responsibility of reminding the teacher to let you off". did you think we didnt do that? we still end up late because we're being held back. we can only be on time for class only if the teacher releases us a few minutes earlier or releases us on time.

today, we were in the com lab 4 on the first floor and ms chow held us back for a few minutes. we had to rush straight to the third floor for maths and mrs kunna reprimanded us for being late all the time.

she scolded us for not learning anything... in fact, almost all the teachers do... then tell me, is it because we dont give a damn and not wanting to put in any effort the cause? i can say the class IS putting in effort. what have we been doing for the past 10 years if we werent learning anything. mrs T would scold us for not getting our amath right. ms lim will scold us for not doing well.

mrs kunna made it sound like we're the worst class... are we? you know, teachers keep saying we have the spirit and all but what the hell, i think those are just empty words, because whatever things we hear from teachers are putting us down.

just yesterday, all of us had this booklet from singapore poly about their courses and stuff. we had english as our last lesson of the day. so ms jo teo came in, saw a stack of the booklets (the booklets that some people havent taken) and said "all of you have to take because yall arent going to jcs." and she told 4/1 not to take it cause they wont be needing it at all. what is that supposed to mean? that we're really like the worst of the worst? that none of us can make it to poly? WTF? even if it was meant to motivate us to work harder, did she have to go that far? she told 4/1 they didnt need it at all because they're the best class, triple science etc.

it's damn sad the teachers actually look down on us.

not only the teachers are looking down on us. other classes are. 4/3 does... or well at least i know a few people do.. i'm not sure about the rest of them lar... on both occasions, she had to give that kind of attitude as though we're not worth anything. it was as though she was saying "go away lar, you combined science student." we're taking the same subjects except she's taking pure physics pure chem, while i'm taking combined science phy/chem. not only that... chrystal told me as well... people from 4/4 do as well. so what, seriously so what if you're taking pure sciences?! does it mean you beat us at everything? we're still better than yall in certain aspects and will beat yall at the o levels. our class is gonna make all of you regret looking down on us.

those who look down on us, dont deserve our respect, but we still give it to them. not only do the teachers look down on us, our friends, other students too. then Why the f*** are we even going to school, tell me, why? if we never wanted to try, why did we even bother to go to sch? might as well quit right? okay fine, we dont do as well as everyone expects, but does it mean we never tried?

the entire school hates us. these things make me not want to go to school ever.

------------------

term 2 begun. arc had to move. oh yeah, the school prolly hates arc now. looking at how they move us anywhere, i would say yeah, they prolly hate us.

homeroom system abolished. no more moving around...

a lot of work to complete. i'm getting really tired. having to juggle 2 projects at the same time... meaning doing both at the same time simultaneously, it's damn hectic. i cleared one with savie and gerri today, now's left with the other one and it's getting on my nerves.

i'm tired, did not have a good night sleep, didnt have enough sleep, and why's that? not cause i was gaming at night, but completing my work at night. yeah then my mum will say "ask you to sleep early, you dont want. you dont have enough sleep, thats why you have a headache" if i didnt have to complete projects on nights before a school day, you think i would? do i look like the kind who games till 3-4 on a night before a school day? do i? sheesh.

stupid accusations.

mid yrs up in a few weeks. chinese o levels as well. sigh sigh. i'm taking things one at a time.

------------------

lester bought me hana kimi... i wanna watch.. i only watched one episode so far... didnt have the free time to watch lately... ah well, one day

sports day tomorrow
no school the following day because of elearning day.
then the weekend
no school on monday because of elearning again haha.

yeah... kbox with jesmine and meagan tomorrow bah. there goes 14 dollars... i need the money for something real important.

[suicide.]

can i kill myself now?

i wreck people's lives. stop me.

it's a bitter feeling. it's the kind of feeling you wish for someone to be there with you right now, at this moment, right next to you, reassuring you, but at the same time hoping no one is there because you're afraid to trouble anyone.

i'm getting a major headache.

[a little world.]

i wonder if i'm thinking too much..... i hope i am.

i cant help but think that it's something else after looking at one thing. okay maybe not just one thing, but many. somehow, it's burning a hole in me and it does hurt, a lot. what to do what to do. when you see somehting with your own eyes, you'll never be able to forget it... even if you can, it's extremely difficult to...

i shouldnt have seen it... why the hell did i choose to... wtf is wrong with me.

[hello blog.]

sorry for the really long long stall.

i walked from outram station to singapore river twice... yes.... and i'm not feeling well. feeling queasy.... RAHRAH

addicted tt 2142. what to do? what to do? this can be bad news because i'm taking my o levels this year. rah rah jiayou jiayou.

since it's the holidays... i should be studying... yes i should. been gaming at night. played like 9 hours of bf2142 on monday night, and lester stayed over in the end because we played till like 3+ at night. i played another 5 hours last night. madness.

came back form e2max. lester and bf.nut having training... yeah.... hahahahaha everything there is razer please.

i bought new headphones today... i needed the mike... RAH. anyways, i bought it... lester chipped in 10 bucks and i paid 22 bucks... rah ex ex ex... but compared to the others... hahahahaha nothign to say...

i want northern strike.... ARGH

oh yeah... the IT show... last week... i was there all four days cause lester had to be there all four days too haha. but there were a lot of cheap cheap stuff. haha cant stand it. didnt buy anything in the end. yes. jinwei spent 1.2k on his new system and his SD cards there... james bought wireless routers, 2! and 512mb ram...

okay i should go start on my homework... HAHA take care people :)

-------------

Rooftops - Lost Prophets

When our time is up
When our lives our done
Will we say we've had our fun

Will we make a mark this time
Will we always say we tried

Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
This is all we got now
Everybody Scream your

All the love i've made
I have no regrets
If at all it's now i'm sad
Will we make a mark this time
will we always say we tried

Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
This is all we got now
Everybody Scream your

Standing on the rooftops
(Wait until the bombs drop)
This is all we got now
(Scream until your heart stops)
Never gonna regret
(Watching every sunset)
We'll Listen to your heartbeat
(All the love that we found)

Scream your heart out [x4]

Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
This is all we got now
Everybody Scream your..

heartbroken. i'm sorry....

[waited.]

i dont know what to do anymore.

i find myself losing my sanity. i just sit there, waiting for the sky to fall. i can sit in the shoewer, just not doing anything but let all the water rain on me. i guess i just stall too much. but i can feel myself going crazy and just want to go berserk.

what am i to do when i'm hurting someone real bad, with the horrible things i do. what should i do to contain my emotions in a jar with a lid so tight i cant open it easily. i feel like i'm wasting away.

what have i done? just what have i done? i need to do something to rectufy the entire thing, but it's too late to do somehting about the small details. everything accumulates, and the snowball will squash me one day.

my patience is running out. i need it, i really do. i'm taking things for granted.

one moment i was just like this, the next, i was all happy. right now, i'm back to square one.

it brings me back to my sec 1 year. when my ex-ixorians used to tell me how crazy i was in primary school and how much i've changed. i always heard the same thing "what happened to the crazy nana?" yeah i missed her too. but i dont want to be her sometimes because it reminded me of how lonely i used to feel in primary school.

i need to curb this feeling. because i feel neglected right now and the person i really care a lot may be too busy to notice how i am now. sigh sigh. what should i do?

i waited a real long time today. it felt like a real long time, like 10 years, 100 years. i almost went nuts. i dont want to lose my sanity.

someone out there? anyone?

i need to stay strong.

[lost and not found.]

i had a lousy day. i had a bad start to begin with. right till the afternoon, i was still feeling lonely and lost.

there's no one who can rescue me at times like this right now. i'm really pathetic now. i really am

i dont blame you for not being there for me.

i'm replaying savie's song over and over again. i'm hoping it'll turn things around.

i hate myself for making myself and the people around me so miserable.

[what are we?]

omg i did pretty okay for my amath test.... hahahaha great improvement... rahrah.

oh and since i had an A1 for my previous emath test, my tutor gave me ten bucks, LOL. he said he'll give me ten bucks for every A1. =x

something sucky happened after school. apparently, we received our cca records during assembly and my class was the last to be released. well everytime we receive our cca records, we just lose track of whatever thats happening around us. so then ms stella ho was releasing the classes back to the classrooms what... and our class happened to be the last, and we were sitting there looking at our cca records lar. so then she scolded all of us for not picking up the litter left behind by the other classes in the hall. she scolded us for being second latest (yeah what happened to being the latest?). well i personally think that she didnt need to scold us over two stuipd pieces of tissue paper that were left in the middle of the hall and we were right at the end of the hall. even so, tell us nicely, not scold us right? i dont see the logic. the teachers are biased against us. every single day, we hear teachers saying the same thing over and over again, that we're lazy, not working hard, not putting in the effort. they would say our spirit and characters are great, but we simply cant do well enough. well not as if we didnt try. we know it's our final and important year, and we know we have to work hard. there are people putitng in the effort you know? other than having to tolerate all the crap being thrown at us, we have our personal problems... at the start of the year, mrs kunna said we should stop watching tv, sms-ing, etc. (basically whatever teenages do in their everyday life), because those are our biggest distractions, but they're not... in fact, about 90% of the class face problems in their lives and these problems are what's distracting them.

mrs kunna finally realised it after a while... and well the 2 day 1 night self awareness camp last friday told a lot about what we're going through, and well, everyone will be here for one another because we're 4/8... yeah, there are people in 4/8 who lead happy lives, very happy lives indeed. they get by each day without having to face any problems, always being able to smile and laugh all the time.

i still think the teachers are biased against us... maybe a few arent. but it's quite sad to feel this way... yeah i know of people who look down on our class. it's worse if it looks as though the teachers look down on us.

i know we're noisy at times, we're talkative, we're bad at math, physics and chem, but it doesnt mean we're trying... sigh. i dnot know what to say anymore.

i watched the protege yest... okay come to think of it now... it's my 2nd nc-16 movie i watched at the cinema. red shoes' the first (that one no choice... met wanted to watch it so we all had to watch it. it happened on an arc outing). the movie's a little freaky... but it's not bad. rah rah.

[just different.]

i dont understand why i'm feeling this way. man, i'm fine, i'm fine, i'm gonna be fine. i'm really really really gonna be fine.

dammit, i'm so selfish.

rah, get it off my mind right now. i dont care, i must.

i'm trying not to falter, i keep faltering, it's driving me nuts. i'll try to be happy again. i'm trying hard to go back to who i used to be. i'm afraid of something.

i feel like shattering one of my little dreams right now...

[flames to dust. lovers to friends.]

i want to say a lot of things, but i dare not, because of the fears i have. i can be next to you, shedding tears, but they'll be invisible to you. i dont mean it when i really say it, it's a struggle inside and it hurts a lot... a lot... so much it's enough to tear you right inside and make you cry in pain.

i know i shouldnt be saying this on cny. i just have a lot to say, but dont want to, because i'm afraid of things.

i'm shy too you know? especially around people i dont know so well... it's pretty rare you see me get along very well with people i JUST know...

there are a lot of things i'm afraid of.. i'm afraid of angry people, afraid of people shouting. few know, but they forget. what can i do?

i know this is stupid. it's 3.23am in the morning... i seem to be waiting for something that will not come, which means i'm waiting for nothing. stupid me. dom says i should go sleep, and just forget it. you know what? he might just be right.

i know i'm only capable of screwing things up... pretty much down on luck. even on cny. how i had a bad start and things dont look so bright from then on. sucks right? i was getting really restless and impatient this afternoon (notice my previous posts... rah.). felt as though i was waiting for nothing but the sky to fall, how amusing. haha.

yes james, thanks for enlightening me. so i guess today is a waiting for nothing day for me. i'm starting to feel bitter and stupid once again.

(current time: 3.33am)

i helped two people resolved their problem(s)... i guess that was the one thing that made me happy momentarily.

i feel like throwing something at the wall and hearing it smash into it. i've been playing the guitar and been rather merciless on my guitar strings. i tried confiding in my dog when i came home... but she was too tired so she went to sleep on my lap.

rah, i'm so stupid. just f-ing stupid.

(current time: 3.45am)

yeah i should stop waiting and sleep, haha yeah good night and happy chinese new year =D

dammit. i'm still sitting here.

mom's sleeping, cousin's watching disney channel, grandma watching tv with cousin. i'm still sitting here stoning..... WTF.

yes i'm getting restless and impatient.

should have gone to zong's place.

=|

still still still nothing to do. wtf.

i think i'm done stoning.

this is boring.

still nothing to do.

ugh. nothing to do.

[abandoned.]

i just want to run away.

[endless story.]

went to savie's place in the evening to catch the 7pm and 9pm ch8 shows i missed on friday night, due to the vex celebration.. haha thanks savie! for recording it for me...

i'm having quite a few things to do, but somehow not in the mood to do it. why was i so stupid? ignorance is bliss.

i didnt have enough sleep. i need to sleep much earlier tonight.

hahaha everyone is repainting their houses. yeah... my room's gonna be blue, savie's room is gonna be blue, lester's room is gonna be blue... blue rooms haha.

cny coming soon... nto gonna do much visiting man... seriously... and besides, no one visits me so haha yeah...

life has been rather mundane... a lot of things are placed on my shoulders. i'm trying to carry them... yeah it's making me really tired. my dam is still filling. sian-ded.

sigh, thinking about it just sucks, terribly.

[reason with me.]

yay, my com's alive. and it was all thanks to the power plug. my mum renewed the warranty for like 367 dollars! freaking ex... the dell service engineer changed the usb ports(cause they havent been working since early last year), motherboard and the POWER PLUG. so the problem was there. on wednesday, he was here for the first time and he changed the motherboard but the problem was still not rectified, so he came back yest to do something about it. and yes, here i am.

o level results out yest. delle and jianeng did superb, both with 6 points. stef and val did well too, with 9 points. ah ah ah, i want a single digit, gotta work hard, gotta work hard. there was a lot of crying yest even before the results were released. i wonder if i'll be like that next year. well, something tells me i wont, haha.

vex cebration. the only idiot in school uniform sitting at parkway parade swensens at 8.30pm... cause i went out with savie and zong in the afternoon to get some stuff for arc, then got back to school at 7pm. left the school at 7.30pm and got to parkway at 8.30pm. had baked rice and shared a sundae with asther. it was pretty okay. miss daisy (the whs team in america) made this book thing for the three schools. it had photos from the past two years, when we were there. carmen and phoenix's photo's in there too. yeah... looking at the photos really made me think back a lot. the late nights we had, the stupid things we did. the different stupid names of the tools dom came up with, the times when the teachers were scolding us because our progress was slow and the many wrong things we did, the fun joy and laughter we all shared, the competition and the time when miss daisy came to singapore and all of us hung out with them. hahaha james bought geraldine and i a tshirt each.. haha so sweet of him.

i packed my room. it's not done but i'm pretty glad i started... it was some thing good to keep me occupied since i didnt have my computer with me. threw away a lot of old stuff, and found a lot of letters friends have been giving me since primary school. yeah i kept them and will still be keeping them although savie did say to throw them away because they should be kept in the heart instead of boxes. haha she's right lar.. but i cant bear to throw them away haha.

this blog will be three years old in 6 days, whee. hahaha amazing this is one of the few things i still keep after so long haha.

ah well. i shall go do my stuff. a lot to do.. haha yeah, take care have fun, bye :)

[open house.]

my brother was nice to lend me use his laptop..

went to lasalle open house with savie and zong today... yeah saw a lot a lot of nice stuff man, the art pieces there were nice. haha yeah... going back tomorrow after cip i guess, since lester has to finish up the wall he was painting with his friend today.

my com still not fixed. i'm dying. okay maybe not... cause i survived more than a week without my computer..

i just miss my night elf (nexusblue)

rah yeah....

pretty amazing how i actually survived so yeah...

my com's not the only com... lester's died too... sent to acer on tuesday,.... still no reply... but he needs it more than i do... since he needs it for school...

oh and got a puppy, it's name is cookie... my bro's friend's aunt gave it to us.. it's tamed... it doesnt bark (no worries.. it sint mute cause it barked at a cat and a dog), doesnt bite, and is quite obedint for a puppy... it's 1 yr old according to my brother... yeah female dog, cute, but it looks as though it was abused before or something... it's just so timid... and haha it's sleeping by my bed, all curled.. haha cute little thing.

rahrahrah.

sometimes i just feel weid and insecure over unnecessary stuff because i'm just so damn afraid the bad stuff will happen. you know because of what happened in the past, and what i've been listening to and seeing nowadays, i just get scared. although i saw something that was produced like months ago, whenever i see it, i get frightened, and start to cry, etc.

dom once said my dam would overflow if i keep holding it in lie this... well it almost did once, then well, that little problem was kinda resolved... now my dam's filling up once again. and i made a promise to dom to be a happy little girl, haha sorry for giving you so much trouble dom.

but yeah, i do have this great sense of insecurity most of the time... and it's difficul to shake that feeling off... it isnt easy to shake all those thoughts either... i wanna tell myself it's nothing, stop worrying... but yeah, it's just really difficult trying to convince myself... convincing someone to do something is hard, but convincing yourself is even harder.

but it's not that i never convinced myself to do something before, it took a reat deal of effort to do so...

on tuesday... i never felt that alone, that one hour alone in the park was a horrible feeling... and i was having a bad cold. but yeah.. whatever that happened on tesday, traumatized me for a few days. i'm still thinking about it today. just when i needed you the most, you werent there, but it's okay, you had your reasons and i kinda got through it somehow. i just dont know why i was this traumatized over something like that.. it's like the trust i had for the school just shattered because of one student. i cant say it isnt my fault though. the feeling of being alone was so great, it made me cry. even when i think about it, i just feel so sad and want to cry.

i guess i faltered, just when no one was there to accompany me. this just shows how weak i am. sigh

[pack my room when all else fails.]

survived ss test today. didnt need to study.. nothing from the textbook, omg.

yes, i got scolded for sleeping in class today.

anyways, was doing another flyer distribution today. with just savie and zong... tiara had to leave halfway... well before we got there, haha.

it was kinda fun after that, having group study with them and all. did a lot of silly things, broke my compass and well talked about a lot of things on the way home.

we were sitting in bk for like 3 hours before heading home at about 9.15pm. lester was with us but he went home after that so yeah. savie, zong and i started talking about the future and all, our ambitions and stuff like that. i hvnt really decided what to do yet so yeah. well, at least zong and savie know what they want... i dont...

yeah. what do i want?

i guess the entire conversation on the way home was pretty fun. was joking a lot and well they made my day. hahaha

arc phototaking tomorrow... hahahaha let's see what other retarded things we can think of...

comparing it to the past, it really has shrunk a lot and changed a lot.

i wanna pack my room. surprise surprise. seriously... my room is packed with all the books and papers. i need to clear and sort them out. okay maybe i cant clear it all by tonight... but yeah slowly i guess.

[wish.]

a lot, and i mean A LOT to do.

- amath homework
- emath homework
- ss test tomorrow
- emath test tomorrow
- history essay

history essay will prolly take up 30 mins or less? then my emath will take up about 15 mins. amath homework prolly another 20 mins. emath test (on locus and cumulative frequency), shouldnt be much of a problem if i still remember everything....

and finally

the ss test. my worst subject. wth, three chapters.. this will prolly take me the entire night man... just to study.. man... i think i'll try to finish everything by 2am man... i'm super tired.

went for vex in the afternoon. came back at like 9+pm. then had to shower, eat and everything, and here i am now.

the ss test was to be pushed to next thursday but because the literature people didnt want it on the same day as their lit test, they also voted for it to be tomorrow. sucks man... and it's not as if you can study all three chapters in a matter of hours right? and you have a week, to study the two subjects what... just dont study on the day before the test lar...

so yeah.. because everything was decided so quickly.

let's just say my teacher forgot the ss test was tomorrow, and my class managed to bluff him, telling him he never told us there was no ss test... so he said to have it next week, but because it had to be a thursday, it had to be pulled back to tomorrow.. sigh. having tests and stuff everyday.

and the emath test.. it was gonna be either tomorrow or friday what... and she just told us TODAY there was a test, so yeah, it's this friday. i still have another amath test next week. omg.

that confidence of mine just broke. i just passed my stupid amath test... thats to the b^2-4ac formula. crappy...........

i was already very tired by the time sch ended.. plus i had to go for vex, so yeah, even more tired now, and i still have to study. omg.

and oh yeah, think i screwed up the chem paper today. sheesh...

[triggered.]

i see more and more troubled people around me.

i'm pretty sure i made a terrible mistake today. i hurt someone's feelings today. i'm sorry. my words and actions triggered your train of thoughts, made you feel like a big letdown. the fact is, you arent okay? you're not...

we humans arent perfect. if we were, this place would prolly be boring. well yeah we're all trying to be perfect and all, despite knowing it's prolly impossible. we can only lead almost perfect lives. yeah, i know people who lead almost perfect lives. lives we love to envy, but do not forget, for every single person is unique in their own way. just like fingerprints... everyone is different, why focus on the past when you have the present and the future to look at?

i start to look around me, at the people who are going through the rough times of their lives. i wonder to myself "what can i do to help?"

yeah, i wish i could. having to keep a lot of things a secret and having to act under that restriction, it's difficult. it kinda hurt, seeing so many of my friends so down and troubled. i feel helpless.

when i'm the cause, i dont know what i can do to make things better. for now, apologising wouldnt be able to do anything to help, because whatever i do and say, is wrong. maybe i'm the one being the letdown, screwing up in the present, and may affect the future. who knows man, who knows.

[freaky monday.]

tiring day.

physics test tomorrow T.T

chem test the day after T.T

ss test the day after the day after T.T

oh wait. another chinese test the day after the day after =.=

physics practical today was =.= never heard of the curve of bestfit until TODAY and my tutor was telling me there was no such thing =.= omigosh. yeah

it was a freaky day today though. i decided to skip recess. because i cant stand waiting for 15 minutes just to get the food and only left with 9 mins to eat it.. and the last time i waited, i spilled a little gravy on this poor girl's sleeve, dang-ness, i know, i'm horrid.. she decided it was okay and ran off, so i didnt get my chance of doing something about the sleeve. =.=

so anyway, i was in class with savie, bonnie, jas, jac, the usual (people who skip recess and stay in class), so yeah. i was heading to class with savie when we saw this girl sitting by a corner, crying. yeah we decided it was nothing much so we walked off. well she was right outside our classroom. rah.

okay so we're happily doing our work when "AHHHHH!" yeah someone screamed... as though someone has just violated her. it was really scary... so there was this moment of silence until joy broke it with a whisper, telling us there was this girl crying outside our classroom. then fine...

i moved to the front with bonnie and we were sharing a packet of keropok (she made me bring it home in the end and savie and i finished it), then another scream. it was like he scream of terror or something. bonnie said "she sounds as though she's having severe depression". well yeah, she was kinda true... then two girls suddenly showed up at the door, knocked and said "erm, sorry for all the noise, cause our friend just got her phone confiscated"

i see why now. she cries and screams, all for a phone. i guess the teacher was pretty nasty. okay i didnt know who the heck the teacher was until after recess when it was emath and mrs kunna came in, told us she confiscated a girl's phone, because she was using it in class, smsing "some boy" (i'm just quoting what she said). so yeah. thats why she was outside OUR classroom, cause the CONFISCATION took place in OUR classroom. sad case huh? but it was a little too exaggerated over a phone right? i mean you'll still get your sim card back. you'll get the phone back at the end of the term i think... but well, since it's the START of them term, i kinda understand...

yesh, it was freaky.

met up with jinwei, kage and erm jinwei's friend (sorry togu, i dont remember her name). yeah lester and i met up with them at take and we sat at pasta cafe for more than an hour. i guess it was entertaining listening to their jokes and all that. jinwei bought the dn2 ost and hahaha i still dont get why they said it was the advanced and hi-tech way of using the deathnote. omg i'm slow, very slow.

which reminds me why i'm A YEAR slow... i just told zong today "omg, did you change your specs?" according to them (gerri and savie), she changed them a year ago. yeah, now you get why.

AHAHAHAHHAHA this blog is gonna be 3 years old man!!!! in another 1 month and 1 day, happy birthday BLOG. sheesh. that was wheelchair.

anyway, i'm totally, not totally, DRAINED. if i were totally drained, then i would typing this in my sleep right? ah-ha-ha, bu hao xiao (omg thats so james) yeah, because of pe FIRST thing in the morning. yeah yeah.

bleagh, i'm gonna sleep, good ngiht. bye =)

[sweet world.]

it wasnt the end.

yiqi and gerri gave me three pair of earrings, hahaha at least it isnt that alte compared to last year. come on, they gave me a pig 6-7 months after my birthday =.= thanks for them though, know you two went down to bugis just to specially get them.

asther and enchou got me some bleach stuff from comics connection. hahaha, i heard she (asther) wanted to get me the 69 dollar figurine, ex =.= but thanks anyhow, i'm glad my laopo had her happy ending.

i heard ben still has two more presents for me, and he was flooding the forums. omg. he is crazy lar... i think togusa got mad and locked all the well, ahem, obscene, ahem, threads.

the fact is, i still do feel horrid about what i did in the past. yeah the stupid mistakes i made to hurt people and in turn, hurt myself as well. it was my selfishness that really got me, right there, hit-on.

yeah i'm still good at hurting people, what an idiot. i still throw tantrums and make people feel horrid. one very good example, would be my mum, next lester, next the close friends i have around me. hahaha i can make people hate me for no reason too, pro eh? hahaha no idea, i dont know, i dont know. what can i do? really, what can i do? just sit here and watch, wait for that SOMETHING to fall from the sky, then yay(!)? gee.

at that point of time, i hurt someone very very dear to me, as well as my best friend. i was starting to get so... rah. i started to worry almost everyone around me. even chrystal was wondering if i lost my sanity or something. yeah i was dazed in class. haha, right, since when was i NOT dazed? but anyhow, it happened.

i'm not making any sense, am i? i cant predict what i'll do next, but i just want to keep things the way they are now. i just dont want to start losing, and right till the end, emo in a corner and cry. sucks.

this is such a crappy entry since i havent blogged for 7 days, a week.

oh yeah. i got scolded in class for nothing. retarded story. and savie cant stop laughing at me. yes, i've been rather clumsy and retarded ever since i got back to school.

cca orientation today, i didnt go :'( yes, my last year, and i dont show up. but i heard things went well. thats good to hear i guess. hope the new juniors are not the kinds who love to slack and not come for cca meetings, cause thats what every senior wouldnt want, omg, it's scaring me.

i helped out with their happy ending yest. yeah i know it isnt the end, but haha yeah, at least they kinda resolved "everything". yay for them. haha

i hope i do well for that amath test. i put in hell lot of an effort for that stupid 14-qn test, really. hahaha okay, out of the 14 qns, i managed at least 11 of them, confident of getting an A or a B. wow this is the first time i've felt this confident. haha

bleagh, the newspaper collection is CANCELLED.rah, cause.... he forgot about us. tada, tada! hahaha okay lar... but yeah it's cancelled, and i dont know whats gonna happen cause we already gave out the flyers and it has our school name on it, omigosh... hahaha

ah well, enjoy your weekend, have fun, sayonara :)

[sweet sixteen.]

it was my birthday yesterday.

lester gave me flowers, chocolate and a bottle of wine, haha thanks =D

hahahaha tricia and clovis gave me a really nice present, a forever friends mug! hahaha thanks!!! it's really cute.

edmund gave me 16 stars in a box with a message! haha yeah it's really sweet, thanks kor =)

james gave me this nice keyboard, haha thanks man =)

ms lim gave me chocolates haha, thanks :)

hahaha i was getting more presents this year... well i hvnt got so many presents on my birthday before... and hahaha a lot of people remembered my birthday cause of the friendster reminders, hahahaha yeah, but thanks for all the birthday wishes. when i have the time, i'll post the photos here :)

need to complete my homework, bye :)

[an unspoken fear.]

first day of school. they start talking about the o levels. yeah no surprise. new form teacher is mrs kunna, and since she was telling us all the shoulds and should-nots, i was really starting to get really scared.

it was a rather boring day... with 2 free periods (which lasted 1hr and 10 mins). gerri and i were talking about vex and well, thats all we could talk about... yeah, we were talking about what can be done right now, and stuff like that.

oh yeah, i finished the sweets jinwei gave to me, haha nice.

i was a little out of this world and when joseph sent me an sms about some good news, i was kinda brightened up a lil and yeah hope that little piece of good news would help me get through today.

should i have dinner outside or at home? i'll still be having it alone anyway... so should i cook some instant noodles at home or go out to buy? you know what? maybe i'll just eat an apple like i did for recess today. yeah i ate an apple and nothing else... well my mum did ask me to stop eating so much. lol.

savie, gerri and zong came over after school. we were just talking about some issues and well gerri and i decided to get our information for our project from the textbook since we kinda did it during the 2 free periods.

hahaha i need to buy a lot of things.. well i kinda just realised... i need to buy

1 amath file
1 emath file
1 ss file
1 chem file
1 chinese file
labels
a new file

yeah, i shall buy these stuff buy my subject files by tomorrow? or friday.. the bookshop is always so crowded, as usual... as for labellers, guess i'll buy it with my files... new file prolly from popular haha.

need the space for more TYSs and all the notes... for o levels =.=

i'll clear my stuff now.

i hope i can stop being like this. just hope nothing bad happens just when i have so much faith in it.

[all of my tears will air dry with just a little time.]

haha have been rather lazy to blog.

anyways, back in sg. it was super warm in KL, warmer than in sg because there are more trees in sg. yes, so please protect the trees.

this is how heavy the mist is in genting... it's taken from my hotel room, on the 12th floor.
















yeah i thought i couldnt enter the outdoor theme park because of the mist, but i did in the end, because haha the weather was pretty okay after a while.






























there was this guy on this ride. and well, i was in the queue... then whoosh! something flew over my head and the next thing i heard was something breaking. i looked behind and there, a phone smashed. GG, ultimate GG! anyway, we were all wondering whose it is and pretty sad man, the phone was wrecked and in PIECES. yeah it was some guy's phone... you see the bottom left hand corner of the first photo? yeah the phone broke into pieces there and i was not too far from it... i didnt take a photo of it though, it just looked bad. my cousin was in love with this ride... so i kept going on it with her for like 3 times?

my cousin was in love with this rodeo thing, i have no idea why. it just goes up and down... haha cause she was too short and too light for the more thrilling rides my bro and i went on, she was so upset she cried. yeah you know the space shot? the one that brings you all the way up into the sky and suddenly it just goes all the way down, yeah you get the idea. well she wanted to go on that one. even i dont dare to. but she's 6 man, how to go on that thing? there was this rodeo thing that was well, kinda like a smaller version of that...
















she's the one on the far left.

oh yeah, the mcnuggets in malaysia are packed like this
















and yeah the fries are not as salty as the fries in sg. haha
















the bumpy ride from genting to KL.....

the 28th and 29th were spent in KL. wahhh it was freaking hot there.

bought stuff there. duh. and walked a lot, now my foot STILL hurts... this is bad, very bad. i dont wanna be bai ka.

the bus ride from KL back to singapore was rah... my stupid tv was screwed up when i was right a the end of fantastic four, super dang. but well, it was better after a while, but it was not again. ahhh.....

haha spent new year's eve with jinwei, james, dom, jasper and ben. we were on the waiting list of irc. we gave up halfway and went to the irc at parklane instead, jasper left when we were paying. yeah lanned for like 3 hours, played bf2. we spent the first minute of the year killing each other.

so yeah, out countdown was at 7-11, at 12.44am. dom bought a chicken bun and was cooking it. jinwei and i went eating and talking. then dom tapped me on the shoulder and said "look look, we're having a countdown" james, dom and ben were having a countdown, just when the timer reached 10, they started to countdown "10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1"

dom: yay!!!
james: happy new year dom!!!
ben: hahaha

jinwei and i were standing at a side laughing at their silliness, alright all of were doing weird things... because there was this queue for the microwave and they were ahem staring at us. haha. we're crazy, yeah.

anyways, jinwei was sweet to get me something from japan!!! hahaha yeah, deathnote and sweets. i'm eating the sweets right now, they're nice man.
















despite being pink, they're nice and sweet.
















present in wrapper (excluding the sweets.. they were wrapped in green paper and stuck on top of this.)

















togusa's only notebook, now it's mine MUAHAHAHA, joking haha. i noticed there was something scribbled at the bottom of the note (on the wrapper) and then it was cancelled. it said "and i am not ryuk." hahaha cute sia.

haha thanks jinwei!

hahaha and james! wahhhhh he got me a keyboard o.o must be damn ex... hvnt got a photo of it yet because it's still with turtle hahaha... thanks man!

lester too! haiyoh he got me so many things... haha the battlefield 2, the battlefield 2142, and the necklace... thanks!!!
















my mum, she got me my vision M... haha thanks!!!
















the happy new year didnt turn out very happy... there were bombings in bangkok... kage and lester were still there... well lester was in the hotel, so well, it wasnt bombed, thankfully... but kage... jinwei was trying so hard to call her... he couldnt the whole night last night, up till this afternoon, when she's finally back in sg.

was supposed to watch dn2, but didnt in the end. ah well, i'll try to find time again, haha i'll try.

a whole of unhappy things at home as well. dying in this crossfire. being dragged into it. and i'm facing problems of my own too. i'm just lousy, always screwing things up. sigh... moodless, just like jinwei... if jinwei is not moodless, then i think i'm the only one who is. seriously... i'm just not in the mood to do anything... i was suppsoedly writing my essay today... i wrote half of it and went to play the guitar... i didnt even play it like really play it... i was just holding it most of the time or strumming without any notes.... when lester called, i was speaking in such an irritated tone... sorry... i didn't mean it.

adding on to my burdens, i think i'll just die. what at thing to say on the first day of the year. i'm just wasting away. i just want to lie in bed and do nothing.

well, happy new year to all =)