[i'm numbing everything.]

in the wee hours of the morning, i'm awake.

haha blame the 17 hours i spent sleeping lar.












oh man, i just manually inserted these photos into this post cause blogger is throwing tantrums, it doesnt want to upload any photos onto this blog. BLEAGH. so i had to figure out the html code. haha geeky me.

anyways, yup, it was the day i bought my new bag. see the 3rd photo? thats my new bag, from the front haha. can't see anything lar. but i now have the same bag as Li An! just a lighter blue. awesome colour :D and we look like little girls in that photo haha.

the 2nd photo is proof i lost weight. i really look skinnier in that photo lar.

i haven't gotten photos of the class outing from Alton and Emeline. as well as college day photos from anyone and the photos from our first amplify friday from Esther!

shall upload soon :D

my weekend was cut short cause of college day. man i was definitely dead beat after the event. came home and almost fell asleep on the chair lar.

i spent the whole day sleeping on sunday (supposedly yesterday) and woke up just to watch tv. what a pig haha.

gonna sleep soon and wake up to do my econs. 7 essays and 3 drqs. hahaha i just realised... thats actually a lot. oh wells. shall wait another few minutes. like 20 more minutes to wake my dear Esther up then go to sleep.

not to mention i just forgot my pin for my ibanking account. thats the result of not using it often. oh gosh.

oh i haven't mentioned. but last sunday i broke my two front teeth. terrible lar. hahaha i fixed it the next day after i took early leave from school. spent 300 bucks fixing it and i still have to go back next monday to check if the nerve is dead yet. Dear God, please don't let it die. i dont wanna pay extra and go through the pain of removing the entire thing....

but yeah, it was quite horrible. i have a photo of it, and i am NOT going to upload it. it's a serious embarrassment lar. the large bruise is still on my arm. it was a bad fall, i would say.

i think i need to cut my hair. my fringe is super long now. but i kinda like it. long, and it doesnt look bad. but still have to cut lar. i might as well cut it myself like i did the last time. haha. later lar. probably... before i go to east coast

haha the last time i went to east coast, was with Yongxiang, two weeks ago. that toot gets tan way faster than i do lar. hahaha i'm annoyed because of that! hahaha but my tan is still around. and apparently, according to him, there was some guy who tried to flirt with me. wah thanks arh, he didnt even save me, just stood there and laughed at me, then make fun of me. haha idiot.

haha college day was okay i guess? although i think my section should be called the saikang section. we're called ticketing, but we do stuff like carry things, make things, arrange things. although we waited super long, wasted time and all, i think it was fun getting to know them lar. and disturbing Minsan. hahaha about his boyfriend (Yongxiang). to be honest, the two of them are real cute lar, two buddies. but yeah, they're a bunch of nice people haha.

and i crashed into a wall last night. walked into the pillar. cause i was playing with Yongxiang. took his cake and i didnt see where i was going. i turned around and slammed my left side into the pillar. there's still the bump lar. haha and then so many people saw. Wilson, Taihong, Bernice, Yongxiang, Minsan, Nisa, the ticketing people saw, and were all laughing at me. my face was super red. i couldnt stop laughing too... at myself. so genius right? HAHAHA. sorry lar, i'm just accident prone. typical me lar.

wcg is over? and i found out like 10 mins before the whole event ended at 10pm. haha so funny lar. but nvm lar. since Zheming and Clispson didnt play, there's not really the need to go lar.

i'm that happy girl again. the rah rah crazy wild laughing girl again. haha yup. i like it that way :D and i'm doing what i do best, make people laugh by being that walking joke. haha funny lar.

and i just got reminded of what a particular someone said. that you were not bad looking. told you so many times you're good looking, but you didn't believe me! hope you had sweet dreams, you called me cause you had another nightmare earlier :(

i could hear it from your voice.

to my dearest, it doesn't matter what happens in the future. i know it will hurt to think of him, but you know what? we're here for you, because we love you. and we will patch it back together like i said okay? don't forget that we're journeying together :) loves :)

For when I am weak, then I am strong
1 Cor 12:10
_____________________________________________



I wake up all alone, somewhere unfamiliar.
Been gone so many days, Im losing count.
When I think of home, I see your face.
I know I have to wait

(Chorus)
So close, yet so far
Its tearing me apart
What I would do to be there with you
So close yet so far
Its tearing me apart
What I would do to be back with you

I miss hearing your laughter
And all the little things
Forgotten what its like to hold you
Cause where I am right now so unforgiving
Its numbing everything

So close, yet so far
Its tearing me apart
What I would do to be there with you
So close yet so far
Its tearing me apart
What I would do to be back with you

So promise
No matter how long it takes for me to get back to you
Youll wait for me.

I Promise
No matter how far away I go Ill come back for you
Just wait and see

I miss being at home
I miss your face
Dont think I can wait...

Were So close, yet so far
Its tearing me apart
What I would do to be there with you
So close yet so far
Its tearing me apart
What I would do to be back with you


I promise,
Its tearing me apart
No matter how far away I go Ill come back for you
I promise
Its tearing me apart
What I would do-
What I would do-
What I would do to be there with you

[the warm embrace that no one knows.]

it was an eve.

the day all of it started. and the day we made the first step. the one simple yet extremely important step.

---------------------------

mid years was pretty okay. still failed my physics and econs lar. lol. but no Us this time. and i'm looking forward to tomorrow's amplify friday. i miss a lot of people and i have a lot on my mind.

i finally bought my new bag. haha finally.

---------------------------

i kinda wished i could at least have a rough idea. just a glimpse would do :)

because i'm still hanging.

______________________________________________

the song i heard on mtv before i went to school. it's enough to tell you.



I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round
And now I think that I've got it all down
And as I say it louder, I love how it sounds
Cause I'm not taking the easy way out
Not wrappin' this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

It came out like a river once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever, just pushing it down
Felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to say

Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God knows we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
That's why this comes as no,
As no surprise

If I could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it's better than where we are now
But after going through this
It's easier to see the reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
(stayed till today)
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

[the hangover doesn't pass.]

i want you to know that.

i love you, i want you, i need you.

[sing.]

YISS was awesome man. it was definitely an experience i will never forget because i can feel a change in me. and it's so real.

i realised so much, about my life. things that happened, why they happened. and i believe so much now that it's God's will. i received so much from God and i'm really so thankful for so many things now. no matter what happens, i know that God loves us no matter what, and that He can make anything possible.

during the course of the camp, quite a lot of amazing things happened. you know, they may be easy to neglect or subtle, but when you notice it, you have this really great feeling that will totally agree that God actually does listen to you. it may be a passing remark or a small wish, but He listens and he'll grant them :) hahaha and i realised i take long to notice his subtle acts of love or i dont even see them at all.

and i find that so important to me. like He really did so so so so much for me, since i was a kid and only at 18 did things start to dawn on me. hahaha i feel so wols.

i'm so thankful for what he has given me throughout this life. up to now. He put me in a group of really awesome people who i know will journey with me. haha i feel like i know them for a long time even though it was just 4 days. we had great times man. our dormitory was so happening. and i met so many other really nice people. sometimes we stay up till late at night talking about things that happen in life and we would reassure each other that God's love will help us get over the troubles and all the sadness in us. i felt so warm with them and i felt so happy.

these 4 days really have changed me so much, and i know it was all becasue of God's love. :)



my really awesome group :)



my darlings in room 5 of the girls' dorm :))

[the answer.]

DAMN. i need a new laptop and a new phone.

my laptop is dying on me. i hate this.

[wings.]

finally downloaded allllllll my kyo kara maou episodes and i'm already on season 3.

haha love the show lar. just that even before the show is coming to an end, i'm starting to have withdrawal symptoms. super love the show lar. lol. it's super funny. a bit gay, but it isn't really that gay lar. haha



haha the dragon is super cute.





got B for math exam. hope my CA can bring it up to an A

this week has been so screwed up.... SIGH

and i miss you a lot.

[screwed up bad.]

i'm sad... really sad

and i cannot stop crying

[you can.]

i came home at about 1 or 2, to sleep for 5 hours.

that was totally not in my plan for today. but i slept that long despite waking up countless times just to run away.

i didn't expect my first day of freedom to turn out like this, at all.

i thought i would be with you, just accompanying you even though you had to study. even if i had to study more or just didn't have to do.

i'm afraid to tell you all of it
____________________________________________

i'm waiting, and i'll still wait.



Take me where I've never been
Help me on my feet again
Show me that good things come to those who wait
Tell me I'm not on my own
Tell me I won't be alone
Tell me what I'm feeling isn't some mistake
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, you can

Save me from myself, you can
And it's you and no one else
If I could wish upon tomorrow tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I'll just pretend
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, you can

Baby, when you look at me
Tell me what do you see
Are these the eyes of someone you could love?
'Cause everything that brought me here
Well, now it all seems so clear
Baby, you're the one that I've been dreaming of
If anyone can make me fall in love, you can

Save me from myself, you can
And it's you and no one else
If I could wish upon tomorrow tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I'll just pretend
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love

Only you can take me sailing in your deepest eyes
Bring me to my knees and make me cry
And no one's ever done this
Everything was just a lie and I know, yes, I know

This is where it all begins
So tell me it will never end
I can't fool myself, it's you and no one else

If I could wish upon tomorrow tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I'll just pretend
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, you can

Show me that good things come to those who wait

[40 kinds of sadness.]

ARGH

screwed up my physics paper lar..

super duper difficult.

i wonder if i should still bear your words in mind...

what should i do?

all that happened brings sadness and makes me want to cry.
all i asked for, is what i got.

hey bri, don't cross that line you drew yourself, for yourself
________________________________

awesome song :) the song that's stuck in my head all day, all night.



Two days chasing me around
I go crazy when you're outside of my world
When you're outside of my world
No sounds singing me to sleep

I don't want the room to breathe
Just be with me...
Just be with me!

I feel 40 kinds of sadness when you're gone.
I feel the same thing always happens when you're gone
And i know you're just around the corner
But just around the corner is not enough
It's not enough
My eyes are waiting at the door
Just like every time before
Time flies so slow...
Time flies so slow!

I feel 40 kinds of sadness when you're gone.
I feel the same thing always happens when you're gone
And i know you're just around the corner
But just around the corner is not enough
It's not enough

It's not enough, I don't know why
It's not enough, I miss you all the time
And I know you kinds like it.

I feel.. yea.. 40 kinds of sadness when you're gone.
I feel 40 kinds of sadness when you're gone.
I feel the same thing always happens when you're gone
i know you're just around the corner
But just around the corner is not enough
It's not enough

[cucumber.]

it's almost 2am and i'm super tired.

physics is killing me.

FINALLY, THE LAST PAPER...

thank goodness all the problems only surface when my exams are about to come to an end. problems like my swollen eye due to a lack of sleep...

and i just realised everyone thinks i sleep at 1am every night. life of an ex-owl. sigh.

heard from Savie that some nasty things happened back in sec school. oh man.

i'm gonna sleep sleep sleep on monday like a pig. NEED to catch up on sleep. and then we're gonna go rollerblade next week :D

after the exams, i still have that dreadful econs assignment i have to do and submit by 5th june. still have to settle proposal for fundraising. ask Wilson to help :D

camp aspire is coming soon. hope it won't be another camp expire. last year was terrible, no offence.

meeting the equalites tomorrow, I GUESS. if i can make it there in time after my physics paper (ALSO MY LAST PAPER). kinda scared to go back cause of what Savie said. lol.

gonna catch up on my csi season 7,8 and 9 after exams. as well as csi ny season 1,2,3 and 4 haha. csi marathon :D

and finally, kyou kara maou is picking up speeeeeeed. been waiting for days... haha

the econs paper on tuesday was a TOTAL screw up. i blanked out lar. ROAR.
the math paper on wednesday was much better. could do every sum except apgp. i was real mad at it after the paper.
chem paper today (or rather yesterday) was quite okay. manageable. Chris enlightened me on the last question when we went for mass. ROAR. why didn't i think of it?

hungry :( and it's 2am
GOOD NIGHT!

[exams. exams. exams.]

yesterday is haunting me.

and i'm evading it.

leverage looks real cool. :D

GP paper down, 4 more days to freedom. gosh, can't wait

ij fiesta this friday, go?

bored with no csi to watch at home.

thrash thrash thrash.

kyou kara maou is taking forever, can't wait can't wait :D

and i miss my dearest equalites :(

ugh, i feel so out.
what's gonna happen later?

[doubt.]

i feel quite useless... that stupid feeling of being inferior to her.

it's a feeling inside of me i dare not tell anyone because i know i shouldnt even feel this way...

thank you my friends :)

pumpfest today, went to novena with my darling Emeline to see our Rocmoc friends climb :)

hey Momo, dont worry so much lar. i know you did your best :)

i've been dreaming of you lately...
____________________________________

[cute little boy. :D]

been slacking all day. wth.

hahaha yeah. watched like anime and then csi, and then anime, and then csi. then charlie and the chocolate factory! which was quite er? weird lar. only the ending was nice :D

feel so guilty now. tomorrow, i shall finish all the revision papers and i'm gonna do well for mid years :D

haha i hope.

[thunder.]

where so ever you go, go with all your heart.

i asked a question. and the answer i got was a negative one. i dare not ask the next one.

just what exactly are we doing with our lives? or maybe i should be asking myself what i'm doing with my own life.

so many times, i dont know what to do. i feel stuck and have that lost feeling. i want to know what to do.

you can't make someone love you, all you can do is to be someone who can be loved. the rest is up to the person to realise your worth.

and thats what we all want to be, someone who can be loved. i'm a fussy person, because all that i do now, is just for that one particular person to realise my worth.

forever. is another thing.

have you ever thought, that maybe being happy is all i want?

that when i wake up at night nowadays cause of the thunder, i feel scared and the only person i wished was by my side to take my fear away is you.

-----------------------------------------

this was the only song that was playing the entire night

[gotta keep the light on.]

i just can't forgive myself.

it's the same lonely, helpless, lost feeling i feel once again.

and it'l be like this tonight.

[clarity.]

i'm scared. i really need an answer before i go bonkers. roar.

[koala on a tree.]

i had a weird and funny dream last night. haha

[everytime i leave, my heart turns grey.]

and it already is.

i can feel myself breaking into a million pieces.

every part of me just breaking down, because of you.

i wanted to be there because you were sick. i know what i did was silly. i just wanted to accompany you and take care of you, and i didnt get the chance. i waited 3 hours and i left. you wanted me to leave anyway. so i did.

maybe the only song playing in my head is this. and it's the only song that will make me cry now, and everyday.

it sucks to want to do something sweet and at the end of it, you cry and cry and cry. your heart is bruised. you just leave without stopping and you're in tears. i know how much it sucks, and i know it well.

i did something i have never done before, and it ended badly. not only am i disappointed, i'm mad. i'm really hurt this time. i left the same place crying. people stared at me.

even though i said i would take all the blame, you still didnt have any idea how hurt i felt, or feel now.

what i feared really came true. was for you to tell me that i was suffocating you.

this is the third time this week i feel this way. and i'm tired. i wanted to end myself so badly.

i dont want to talk to anyone now. not even you. i just want to sit somewhere in a corner and cry. just when i needed you, you still did not come. you will never know how hurt i feel. whats the point of telling me you feel something, when you showed me something else instead.

you reprimanded me for something i already know. but i chose to do what i did. at the end of it, i dont know if i should regret.

i said i was sorry, and everything was my fault, because i'm just like that when i'm just tired. but in fact, i'm crying and crying and crying in front of the phone. i missed bus after bus, just hoping for that one more chance, but you went the other way instead. i still waited like an idiot.

now, i dont know if you're still pretending that nothing happened or pretending to not be able to tell.

and i should stop thinking about all the things i could do.

i thought you would do something after thursday night. thinking about what happened that night and last night. i dont know what to believe. because to you, i'm merely trying too hard.

to you, i'm just doing too much. maybe i should walk away when you're not looking, and so you'll never notice.

i'm at my worst today, really my worst. and i'm going through it alone, like i have always tried to. maybe it's better that way huh? no point telling you, because we just argue and i end up being unreasonable.

all i asked for was a bit more attention. i did what i could to be in your line of sight, and i feel like crying again.

i have no one to go to. and i'm really really sad now. it's the same helplessness i feel. the feeling of being lonely.

thank you. for teaching me something today, a lesson i will never ever forget.

you won't come.

[nakama?]

i'm a happy girl.

exams in 20+ days.

SR olympics yesterday! cetus won! yay! haha... the whale was cute man

tournament is coming up soon. and i pray that the team will do well :) thanks for the past year. the last training was pretty okay. and i really enjyed my last few trainings. haha i started talking to Ianson, haha funny guy lar, great bowling lane partner too, other than Alton.

thanks for everything :)

-------------------------------



Saw you from a distance
Saw you from the stage
Something about the look in your eyes
Something about your beautiful face

In a sea of people
There is only you
I never knew what the song was about
But suddenly now I do

Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand
Reach out as far as you can
Only me, only you, and the band
Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand

Can't let the music stop
Can't let this feeling end
Cause if I do it'll all be over, I'll never see you again
Can't let the music stop
Until I touch your hand
Cause if I do it'll all be over, I'll never get the chance again
I'll never get the chance again
I'll never get the chance again

I see the sparkle of a million flashlights
A wonderwall of stars
But the one that's shining out so bright is the one right where you are

Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand
Reach out as far as you can
Only me, only you, and the band
Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand

Can't let the music stop
Can't let this feeling end
Cause if I do it'll all be over, I'll never see you again
Can't let the music stop
Until I touch your hand
Cause if I do it'll all be over, I'll never get the chance again
I'll never get the chance again

Saw you from the distance
Saw you from the stage
Something about the look in your eyes
Something about your beautiful face

Can't let the music stop
Can't let this feeling end
Cause if I do it'll all be over, I'll never see you again
Can't let the music stop
Until I touch your hand
Cause if I do it'll all be over, I'll never get the chance again
I'll never get the chance again

Can't let the music stop
Can't let this feeling end
Cause if I do it'll all be over, I'll never see you again
Can't let the music stop
Until I touch your hands
Cause if I do it'll all be over, I'll never get the chance again
I'll never get the chance again

Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand
Reach out as far as you can
Only me, only you, and the band
Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand
Yeah, yeah, yeah

[cause your eyes told the tale.]

will it all be the same again?

can you stay strong?
can you go on?

i'm searching for the right song.