[all that i've got]

i hate my existence. yeah i just do.

i just suck at everything. i'll probably fail my streaming year for all i care.

oh great, now this blog is for me to vent my frustrations on? argh.

its tomorrow. time to look back. sad though. but thats that.

havent slep for a night, and although i'm very sleepy and tired, and really hope i am sleeping on the bed right now, i cant seem to sleep. some kind of mentality. it's almost sunrise and i'll be gone from here until i dont know when either. havent started on my homework... okay... fine i did like one maths paper earlier. earlier like 5am. but it's horrible. my handwriting was all weird and all over the place. not the sleepy one, but the kind i use when i scribble or doodle. so i may not even understand what the heck i'm writing like ten years later or something.

gonna go off ina very short while. still have other stuff to do. after the holidays, there come the exams, i think it's really... erm... very tough to catch up now right? well shall still try. i'm gonna bring my homework with me now. i cant find my panadol. gah... and i need it, because i'm having this terrible headache now.

gah. okay gtg, bye, enjoy yourself. =]

All That I've Got - The Used

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
Off guard, red handed
Now I'm far from lonely
Asleep I still see you lying next to me
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I..

I need something else
Would someone please just give me
Hit me, knock me out
And let me go back to sleep
I can laugh
All I want inside I still am empty
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I...

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I guess, I remember every glance you shot me
Un-harmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat
I squoze so hard
I stopped your heart from beating
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I..

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

And it's all that I've got
Yeah, it's all that I've got
It's all that I've got
It's all that I've got
It's all that I've got!

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

And it's all that I've got
Yeah, it's all that I've got

[goodbye]

i'm gonna be away from here for quite a while. don't miss me =]

joking

anyway, i think if they let me into the truth like much earlier, then it wouldnt be so ugly now. then i could get over it or something sooner. it really does hurt now. ouch.

i hate my existence. because it has caused much pain and misery to people i don't even know. maybe they knew of my existence like how i knew of theirs, but maybe they never knew my name. i don't, though...

i didn't want to know the truth, at all. and seriously speaking, it was unnecessary. it was really uneccesary, and i'll feel much better never knowing it. i'm the last to know, right? well, that doesnt matter. as long as i don't know about anything that happened like 15 years ago or something.

i'm wishing for a brainwashing machine for christmas of something. haha, look at how cowardly i am now. running away not wanting to face it. haha, HAHA, go ahead and laugh, because i'll not hear it.

i'll keep it all in here, all of it.

[hypocrite]

i don't know whether people ever thought before speaking. or maybe taking advantage of their weaknesses seemed like an oh-so-great thing, whether they felt great after doing so. that why some people are at a loss after realising they shouldnt have done so right froim the beginning. then again, maybe it didn't seem too bad, or at least thats what they thought. doubt so... you'll know when its your turn.

i was wondering if i ever did the right thing. okay, even if i DID think it was right, did it ever made sense to me? it was never right, right? it was very wrong. okay, so i'm really negative about everything, although i try my best not to. it doesnt really work, does it? or maybe it can't be seen at all, no matter how hard you try. yeah sure, but... did it ever crossed my mind? like whether it really went too wrong for it to even pick up again.

see, get what i mean? i may not even understand what this means in future, or maybe i will. did it make any sense? was it worth it? is it worth trusting? i don't know, the situation flips like nothing. it keeps flipping, and i keep trying to adapt. when i finally adapted to it, it flips again. i can never catch up, can i?

it's hard, to talk. i dont know if i ever tried. or maybe when i've decided to, it's too late, right? yeah, it's teenage angst. i want to get over it. i don't think what they said really made sense. it did at first, but later, it didn't. because are they ever gonna put it into actions? or are they just empty vessels? i wonder if the problem lies with me. if it does, please tell me.

you probably didn't understand a word i've said so far, right? but the thing is, i can't tolerate all this thrash about everything. everything does suck, when actually i've tried looking at life in a much more cheerier way. i did try. but i've bottled up inside for too long. i don't know how to tell someone, i don't know if i could really rely on someone. i don't want what i said to hurt anyone, in any way. they don't take it seriously, do they? they probably think it's just another form of entertainment, then kick it aside once they're bored. well, did they ever think? or they did, but don't care at all.

i know when i leave this phase of life, i'll mis it, because it will be a mark in life, reminding me of all the happy and sad stuff. the rotten feelings and the pressure that has been stuck in my throat all this while.

you know what? forget it, i don't think people actually understood, and you know what? i'm too tired to care about it anymore. I GIVE UP!

[sigh]

im sorry. i know i cant sayanything now. sorry wouldnt help, at all. i know. but i still want to say that i'm sorry.

i dont know what say now.the more i think about it, the fear of losing something is growing, constantly growing. i want to tell you, but how to? nono, i'm too afraid to.

i'm afraid of you.

Fall To Pieces - Avril Lavigne

I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today's the day
I pray that we make it through

Make it through the fall
Make it through it all

[Chorus:]
And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you

You're the only one,
I'd be with till the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms

[Chorus]

Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means

Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything

[Chorus without last line]

[Chorus]

I'm in love with you
Cuz i'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you

[magdalene lim]

mag was super hyper when we were playing air hockey at cine earlier... we (stef, mag, melissa, matilda, liz, donna and i) watched bewitched instead of charlie and the chocolate factory, because charlie was sold out... it was a good movie.. super funny.. i was practically roaring with laughter when jack wyatt was speaking gibberish... it was simply amusing... the movie was pretty cool. but i still wanna watch charlie.

i lost my phone after the movie... went back to look for it, and i would have considered myself lucky... found it under the seat... must have dropped out of my pocket...

we went to the arcade after that... melissa were playing the daytona racers.. and i almost beat her... we were like colliding with each other at the last leg of the race... and we complete the race stuck together... then played house of the dead 2 with her... she was screaming away.. and i couldnt shoot properly.. game over in the first chapter... then played air hockey with them.. mag started to get really excited and kept screaming and laughing.. she definitely tickled all of us...

i think i had enough fun today... and should start on my homework... 5 critical analysis, 1 essay outline and maths... not so bad... so shall start now...

mag told me she hated me in sec 1... haha, i was really notorious in primary school... believe me... and erm dont dao them... yea... hmmm.. am not gonna put the whole story here, since my blog is already so boring it will put you to sleep. never mind... liz thought i was terrible too... so haha nothing to say.

[how long?]

how long till we all learn? sigh...

i'm also starting to feel like killing someone...

i let so many people down... i'm sorry...

[fireworks]

the countdown last night was great! the fireworks lasted 15 mins... got home at 2am and went to bed at 3am.

i have "forgotten" about this blog ever since i created the 6 ixora blog.. haha. i'm sorry blog. the response is wow... everyone is posting and tagging so quickly it will be difficult to catch up if you didnt go there every day.

national day today... i'm not gonna miss the ndp again... after missing it 3 years in a row...and i rented legally blonde yesterday. watched it earlier and its pretty weird and funny. i only watched the ending last year so i dont know anything about it. but now i do... its a good movie, except for the pink and furry stuff... gross...


besides being deprived of food... because i didnt eat today and last night, i'm pretty slacked now... and having another headache... another annoying headache. i dont like panadol. i think i had one few years back, and i didnt like it. well after all, i'm not suppose to like it.

celine is telling me about harry potter and the goblet of fire being pg-13... okay.....

shall start work... soon... after i return the vcd i rented... okay... shall stop here, since i realised i suddenly have nothing to blog... hmmmm weird...

[utopia]

came back home 20 minutes ago. had fun but really tired now...

haha teachers can actually be quite interesting when they arent teaching... i thinki its such an enjoyment listening to them joke among themselves. i laugh non-stop when i'm really nervous or afraid of something.... its true, so darn true...

mr ng and ms yap were really funny... i think i could laugh till i drop dead. delle was so calm while i was like an idiot laughing.... silently... haha.

honours day was really fun. i'm trying to get over the embarrassment when carmen pulled my belt and it broke in front of so many people... its really disturbing.... i'm pretty okay now... its just that it is really embarrasing to have your belt pulled out LIKE THAT. clare finally knows how to tie a tie... haha and shes not too bad... so i can retire from the job of doing the tie for her... haha. jessica's mother was there too, and she still remembers the rabbit sweet thing last year... haha... clare and danielle were really weird and for clare, who gets excited easily... i think it was a better idea if i didnt tell her, haha.

my mum made me eat that guilinggao when i got home... it's really bitter without the syrup but i think its still pretty okay. i hated it when i first tasted it. they were giving that away like a few years ago, when my mum brough my brother and i to that navy exhibition. i had to admit the exhibition was super cool, and i got to shoot, with a gun! i think it was shot gun, but there werent bullets, only pellets. haha. they were like exhibits of tanks and a helicopter. i dont remmber every detail so vividly, but i kinda remember what roughly happened. i'm eating it now... and i'm trying to eat it with more syrup, so that i dont get that bitter taste.

6 ixora 2003 blog is finally up. really happy... i created it last night, or rather the night before. its a real plain layout, but it's simple and nice. orange background and a black marble.

i think i better go sleep now... cip tomorrow and i think i should go sleep before i'm really down with a fever... having a bad flu now... constantly sneezing and coughing today. with headaches too... i'm really fatigued now... just too tired.... if i have the time tomorrow, i'm gonna have a good breakfast at macs before i leave for cip. but i doubt i'll have that kind of time. ah well... good night and bye!

[the sky]

bad things happened... i shant say anything, but it is really bad. i suddenly wanted to cry. i had this very depressing thing inside me. although it is slowly starting to fade away now, i'm still worried...

i'm suddenly "obsessed" with guang liang and pin guan's songs... not obsessed, but just like a lot. they have good vocals and although their songs are like i dont know how long ago, they still sound pretty good. too bad they split up... although they look like homosexuals (actually not), they sounded great together... so its too bad they splited up 5 years ago... maybe there'll be a chance they'll reconcile and start singing together, again. well i hope they do... but they still sound as good een after they splitted up. 5 years ago... my chinese sucked, so i was reading the chinese newspaper, and i think i misread it, because i thought one of them died, so end of the two. haha okay, that was really stupid....

it was a real funny day today. mrs stephen was going through all the silly grammar mistakes we made in our essay and it was simply amusing. i think the whole class had loads of fun even when mrs stephen was lecturing us for our horrible writing and terrible grammar. then after school, when sharlene told mrs wong about her basketball being confiscated by ms teo because a 2/9er threw the ball down the building and almost hit the security guard, and her stolen money. sigh... thieves of st. gabs, stop stealing! so mrs wong was taklign about how she kept her money... (haha mrs wong, now we know where you keep some of your money) there were only a bunch of us there, some waiting for chen lao shi to come in for the oral, while the rest were waiting for sharlene. mrs wong was going on about spoilt children these days, and we pretty much enjoyed it, and laughing at her really cute jokes and comments. she was talkig and laughing with us for half an hour. haha. i think its a really nice day.

speaking of oral, i think i'm just gonna flunk it..... it was rather difficult and although i did prepare for it, i think i'm just gonna die. the tension was getting the best of me and i screwed up.

as you have noticed, i changed the tagboard... because tagboard.com keeps malfunctioning. i changed it and i miss my previous tag board... it seems to be working now... it probably doesnt like me.... haha

did i mention my mum eing in a bad mood nowadays? okay... so she is... blasting at my brother and i once in a while. shes still nicer to my brother, but that doesnt mean anything to me, so i try not to pay any attention to it neither do i do anything when she screams.

[no photos :(]

didnt get a photo of delle in a skirt, but she looked nice. quoting from !"£$%^&*!: 'eye candy' haha she looked pretty in a skirt. it was a pity we didnt get a photo of her, she seems pretty happy with that.

my posts are getting more and more boring... the inspiration i need to blog, is on holiday, for i dont know how long.

drama night was pretty interesting. although i didnt really enjoy sitting there in a skirt, but at least i enjoyed the show the extra sound effects were rather disturbing and amusing. flower of the desert was pretty okay, although there was too much talking. the preformance put up by the eldds during the ij heartbeat was slightly better, but both were also good. the guitar ensemble was great too. good job people and congrats.

i'm gonna crash now, very tired. slept at 3am last night, and its already 15 mins to 1am. good night.

[-]

drama night tomorrow. when i suddenly wanted to go. haha. not looking forward to dressing up either... haha.. gah.. but i'm still gonna go.

desperate housewives on ch 5 now. so theres desperate housewives on ch 5 at 1am. great.... hmmm watched that episode already.. its the second episode....

i have to do the advertisement project by tonight and theres the art project. i dont think i'll be able to sleep tonight. although i very much want to.

-----------------------

getting sick of this layout, no time to change it though...

this entire week seems like a rather happy and enjoyable week. i'm in a better mood now...

or maybe it hasnt..

ah well, can't do anything about it. good night

[wonderwall]

too tired to do anything now... since i slept at 2am last night, to finish the geog presentation... it's pobably on of my most tedious jobs ever... and it isnt graded... gah... so i still did it, it seems pretty okay... although i think the last few slides were a little weird... the definition on geothermal energy used up 7 slides. the uses of geothermal energy, advantage, disadvantages and facts only needed one slide each. crappy? but i think it should be very summarized and not so wordy.

the number of times i have been dozing off in class is decreasing, which is a good sign. i did doze off today. but i didnt yesterday... and despite my decreasing number of hours of sleep, i managed to keep awake for almost the entire day.

i'm very disturbed by some things that some people said and some people's actions. its probably just another one of my imaginations. since THE day is closing in, i'm starting to lose that wanna-be-happy spirit. and i'm starting to feel even worse. not only extreme exhaustion, but the pressure is disturbing. its affecting me in a way or another that it makes it so difficult to concentrate, even when i'm talking to people, i start to drift off somewhere else when i'm not supposed to.

i'm dead tired. my eyelids are starting to fall... and i might end up sleeping on the table with oasis' wonderwall playing through the night.i need something to keep me awake... well there was once when i was studying for the geog exam when i started to yawn and put my head down... and fell asleep on the geog book. slept like that for a few hours and no one woke me up. luckily for me, its at home, not in school.

i get why they told us to go talk to them about !@#$%^&*()!@#$. well i know because i think we lacked that as well. probably other stuff as well. its just so different isnt it? we're bad enough, didnt really need another worse. and it might have been our fault, well most of us... for slacking. sigh

i thought of last year's sec 1 selection camp. it was really fun. i try not to forget every single detail. i rememeber emily hiding the corks in the cans and made us search for it, telling us it was thrown all over the place. if i'm not wrong, it was carmen and phoenix videotaping right? haha well, i try to keep it to myself then.

i better stop here, too tired. i still have a lot of work to do. so i better go finish it before my energy runs out and i'm be nothing but a like a flat battery. good night and bye.

[bad day]

weird things have been happening. maybe it's because for me, being a weirdo, normal is weird to me. haha and i think what i eat for dinner is also weird enough, although it still tasted okay. to val, it's very weird, but to me, it isnt all weird.

i have to finish my geog presentation tonight. start and finish tonight... not that i'm not getting any help from my team members, i am getting links and research... i'll probably let them do the oral stuff tomorrow. haha

besides doing the presentation... the english project is also giving my a headache... and i think i barely touched the science project... damn... gotta start on all these. finish it asap. i need a lot of sleep now... very very little sleep for me nowadays... and i tend to wake up at 5am and go back to sleep. i dont even know how i can wake up that early. i'll probably sleep like a pig after the exams. 20 hours a day. too much sleep can kill too. haha

basically, i have no idea what to blog, as though i just dont know HOW to blog after what? 3 days? doesnt make sense right?

i was playing gunbound during the weekend, and my rank was upgraded from double-wood to the stone hammer, which is good, because i have free avatar for being upgraded. a space marine suit and helmet. and i bought a kendo suit for 18 000 gold which will only last 7 days. that was the avatar i bought. i want that vampire coffin thing. but if i want it to last forever, it'll cost 30 000 gold... i only have 15 000++. not easy to earn gp either... for an amateur like me, who didnt even get the ss thing until denise explained it to me, i'll probably earn only 6gp each battle, on the losing side.

my mum was watching national geographic that day, about baby pandas... they're really adorable and i wished i had one at home, its so cute and for some reason, its helpless squeak is just appealing to the ears. i'm morbid. or maybe i find it too adorable that even its helpless squeaks are also nice, to me. see? i told you i was weird (as though no one knew... right) piglets are adorable... and mag doesnt know there are pigs at the zoo. haha deprived child. dont worry, i'm even more deprived. thanks.

Angels Or Devils - Dishwalla

This is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

This is the last time
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see

Still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

If I was to give in - give it up
- and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one
that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

[angels or devils]

we were typing the cme essay in the com lab 3. it was supposed to be about a hero in the school community. so mag was so eager to know who it was. i threatened to stuff the piece of paper in my mouth... but i didnt.. haha. so then i was typing good stuff for the essay when she decided to take over and this is what she wrote. the words in bold are actually what i typed:

she often helps me and she will try to eat my food. The last time, she took my money and told me to
buy hi-chew for her!!! She also took my watch and set it one hour
early so that I would be early the next time we arranged to meet. She
is so considerate! She always try to help me whenever I need help.
Some time ago, she taught me how to do my maths and I was so tired
that she did it for me! I got full marks for my homework! But I failed
my test. She told me that she will give me tuition for free! Wow! She
is so nice!! I really appreciate all she has done for me. NO other
girl would be able to teach me so patiently and take all my money to
buy hi-chew! I respect her for having the courage to extort money from
me as I think that no one else has that kind of courage.
She has a lot of enthusiasm and she often dances around to wake me up
when I am sleeping.

it's titled mag's crap. haha it was supposed to irritate me so that i would tell her who my hero was. apparently i sent it to my inbox when i sent my essay. she was so thrilled when this whole paragraph was a whole chunk of more than 200 words. and she was really funny today... she's probably thinkin of r****** now... haha during geog, we were going through the chapter on water. so there was this photo or water rationing and she told me when she was in P2, her friend told her there was no water somewhere near mag's house. so mag called home during recess and told her maid to fill pails and pails of water. haha that was so cute... but her maid didnt do that. there was still water when she got home. the thought of it now really tickles me. haha i guess it was really fun... went out for lunch with liz, mag and matilda. they just made my day. and with the free entertainment from mag's lameness, i think i'm quite a happy person now... haha. okay... i better stop giggling or else my mum will start to stare at me as though something happened and i lost my sanity for no special reason.

ms ratulangi really freaked out during cme today. she said we changed a lot since last year. khym was pulling the tape out of the correction tape for fun and when ms ratulangi saw that, she was really puzzled and shocked. so she asked, "are yall like stressed? you are laughing hysterically and last year, when i taught you, you were all still sane." haha she's really cute. and then she said, "and now, this lyn li said that if you laugh for 20mins non-stop, you will get six packs" that made us roar with laughter and she was rather pissed when we made our way to the com lab 3 because we were making so much noise.

it was even weirder after school. mag was calling liz a lesbian for i dont know why either and liz was calling mag a pig because she called her a lesbian. and i finally told her who i was writing about in my cme essay. she seems satisfied. haha

health and wealth day tomorrow. going to school to support the sec 3s. haha and i guess it'll probably be quite fun... and i'm gonna miss that 5 episodes of LOST back-to-back tomorrow. after waiting 7 days for it. because i have to finish my geog and english project tomorrow. and then i'll probably do the class noticeboard alone tomorrow. ah well. haha i guess i can try to handle it.

yesterday's racial harmony was okay... only two people in my class wore costumes. haha didnt i say i was gonna scare people off? haha and then i was lying in the basketball court with denise for about 2 hours, admiring the clouds and talking. we were trying to make out the shapes of the clouds and it was pretty fun. staring up at the sky can be fun and at the same time, makes you feel happy, as though all your problems were washed away miraculously. and its as if you were trying to take a peek at heaven... but i think the sky was sufficient. it was so blue and beautiful.

ah well i should go do my english homework now. and then start researching for my projects. bye and good night. i had a pretty bad day the day before and yesterday and i'm pretty addicted to this song now haha... okay good night!

Bad Day - Daniel Powter

Where is the moment when we need it the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue sky's faded to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carrying on

Stand in the line just ahead of the law
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carrying on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carrying on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Sometimes the system goes on the blink and the whole thing it turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know that you could be well oh that Strong
Well I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

[the darkness]

have you read the newspaper? the article on the essay done by the rjc student? it's on the second last page of the straits times. read it. it's a good essay. a very sad one though.

maybe it isnt their fault. a half of me wants to forget everything that happened, but the other half wouldnt want me to let go. although the word "emotions" seem like a pretty word. even if i didnt know what it meant, it looks pretty. but this word is so dangerous and so harmful. it consumes my mind. maybe by tomorrow. i'll just be a piece of rotting wood (aka junk) sitting in the back of the classroom, staring at nothing. my brain's eaten up. whats in my head is nothing but air.

or maybe i'm just having a wild imagination. whats inside me now is as empty as the black hole. the black hole inside me probably sucked everything and whats left is this cold and deep darkness.

-------------------------------

that was just me trying to let it out. dont take it seriously. take it as crap. take it as briana crapping. that'll probably make her happier. thanks.

i have a lotof work to do. but with this state of mind now, i'll probably do it later when i'm watching csi. by then, i'll probably feel better than now. i will try to get over it first.

gunbound isnt working... my brother can play it on his account. but i cant. it's really unfair... so i'm gonna try to figure it out first.

--------------------------------

it hurt real badly... now it doesnt. whats left is a bruise. it will start to hurt again... i know

--------------------------------

"When will you be home?" she asks
As we watch the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer to where my dreams may lead
She's watched me as i crawled and stumbled
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go, I know she bleeds
and yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

Autumn leaves fell into spring time and
Silver-painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying
"We need you. Please come back"
When I saw her laying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like an angel taking flight
I held her as I cried

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away
ohh...
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

[fly away]

my monitor blanked out 9 days ago. yea because something was loose inside. had to hit, bang, whatever to the monitor till it worked. we did that until we really damaged it real bad. so we have a new monitor yesterday. LCD screen. one thing i tend to dislike such screens is because i have a tendency of touching the screen, especially when it's dusty or something. then i have to like sweep off the dust and all. so i have to start kicking the habit of touching the screen.

well a lot happened in like 9 days. maybe too much happened, or maybe too much is supposed to happen in a mere 9 days? basically its racial harmony this thursday. and i'm not gonna wear what i wore last year. i looked like clare's child. haha, well blame it on myself for wearing something that made me look like a child and clare wore something so mature. haha well then i was with her for the entire day. well... she's gonna wear a PINK kimono and clogs this thursday. she bought them from japan. haha well pink is disgusting, but i guess it's pretty cool if it's for a kimono. i still prefer blue though. since pink is japan's national colour, i guess it's okay for a kimono to be pink. haha what am i saying? of course it's okay. as for me... i might start scaring people. argh... and i think delle knows what i'm gonna wear... that is if she still remembers our conversation months ago... probably 5 months ago.. haha maybe she doesnt, then i think its better if she doesnt know haha.

in my entire class of 39, it seems like 5 out of 39 are not gonna be wearing school uniform. okay, then those wearing traditional costumes are definitely gonna "stand out"... probably in an embarrassing way. haha i sure hope more people will not wear the school uniform this thursday. haha but cant help it if they're so determined to not wear a traditional costume. well, i think i better go... i seriously have no idea what to blog about, although i said many things happened. maybe i'll have the slightest idea of what to blog about. for now, i think i dont. haha ah well. okay... bye. and i dont know what's wrong with my tag board, i'll probably change it... i think... haha that is if i wanna part with the current one. haha weirdo!

[catharsis, somnolent = just this two.]

gillian's leaving tomorrow. sigh... we're gonna miss her. not sure when she'll be back. although i didnt really talk to her very often, but it was really great knowing her. i feel rather bad not really saying a proper goodbye to her... sigh.

i was listening to where i belong by tanya chua, and i started to really really notice the lyrics. i guess i was just an idiot back then, and i still am, except i just really noticed the lyrics carefully. it's really great. although it's one of the national day songs, it's nice. and in the recent years, the national day theme songs are just as nice. haha.

maybe it's just me worrying too much that i'm so tired. i want to sleep, of course i dont have enough sleep. i think i need at least 10-15 hours of sleep now. i'm in this somnolent state. argh.

i have been thinking about all that has sort of happened his year, and have probably compared it with everything last year. i have many unanswered questions that need accurate answers because the later i figure it out, the worse it'll become. thats probably what will happen if i'm slow.

i was chatting with debby about names earlier and my name meant something about strong willed. that is if i do possess that "strong will"

i learnt a new word today. its "catharsis", learnt it from the vocab worksheet mrs stephen gave us. and i guess thats probably what most people need, including me. i need to find a way in order to be able to do that. i'm just trying to improve now... step by step. i'm trying hard. maybe to also wipe the guilt off my stupid face, and stop being in a daze most of the time. i might not be able to stop the dazed face, but maybe try to do less of that? i dont know. i dont know whats best for myself, nor the people around me. i probably, and desperately need a brainwash to forget everything. all the pain and the worry. wouldnt it be better if i just forgot everything, just like that. poof. and everything gone, not leaving any trace of the past. i'll probably forget who i am but its okay. i'm okay.

i'm really okay.

they'll be off to osaka soon. hope they have fun there. rather than worry too much about this and that.

if i told you everything, will you understand? will you understand what i mean? maybe not... i doubt it. although i very much would like you to understand, but i cannot beliee that you will be able to get what i mean. you changed. maybe change is good. but now, to me it's bad. my impression of you keeps changing. for one moment its good, then the next moment it isnt, then again, its good. it just keeps switching around...

i shall go sleep now... before i start having hallucinations like the keyboard being the pillow or something. okay just joking, i dont think that will ever happen... right?

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where do i belong? it's nowhere.

Where I Belong - Tanya Chua

Morning comes around and I
Can't wait to see my sunny island
In its glorious greenery, whether rain or shine, it's still beautiful
Bright lights shine on the streets at night
Guiding me closer to home
To a place where I'll be safe and warm, where I belong

Friends and families by my side
Seeing me through as I grow and learn
Everyday's experience, bitter sweet or sour
They're still wonderful
As they become precious memories
They'll be kept close to my heart
And no matter where I am I will always know, where I belong

Where I belong, where I keep my heart and soul
Where dreams come true for us
Where we walk together hand in hand towards a future so bright
Where I belong, where I keep my heart and soul
Where we're one big family
I want the whole world to know, I want to shout it out loud
That this is where I know I belong

Where I belong, where I keep my heart and soul
Where dreams come true for us
Where we walk together hand in hand towards a future so bright
Where I belong, where I keep my heart and soul
Where we're one big family
I want the whole world to know, I want to shout it out loud
That this is where I know I belong

I want the whole world to know, I want to shout it out loud
That this is where I know I belong

[sigh.]

i'm sorry, terribly sorry.

only in the mood to really listen to ballads. i think rap, pop, rock is gonna give me heart attacks. i'm exhausted. its only the second week. yes, and the remaining 8 weeks seem like eternity.

i had this and that to worry about. i feel as though i am throwing everything on my shoulders, struggling to keep up, to stand up with the right posture. i'm constantly trying very hard to. it's difficult, yea?

i feel as though i have so much to blog, to say. but then whenever i come to this page, i realised i can't express in anyway, be it speech or words. this eternity is starting to terrorize me.

i'm just dog-tired. if i can find an energy booster, then good.

i need to talk to someone. but i dont know how to. it seems so difficult, i'm so used to how i handle my problems and now the change is just difficult. i'll still try. i must do all i can to sweep away my unhappiness.

come one briana, just take a broom, easily sweep away your emotions

easy? no... but i'll still give it my best shot.

go to bed now...

the eternity... good night

[online no more]

i havent been online for like 2days and i think i have started to hate the internet. yea i'm starting to fear something or someone on the internet. i had no choice today but to use it because i desperately need to finish my science campo homework. ARGH.

cantonese drama isnt so bad. i have been watching this drama serial from a video tape which my mum rents and i was just enjoying its silliness. haha weird me. but anyway its just so funny i was already laughing my head off and i kept rewinding and playing it over and over again.

argh. i still have so much homework which i find impossible to finish. i've cleared maths. which is just as surprising if my mountain of homework just miraculously vanishes. haha, i can tell my sarcasm is starting to eat this blog.

and i havent had social interaction for i dont know... 2days? i was sleeping like a pig yesterday. it was fatigue. i could be falling asleep anywhere now, which is just as bad if i didnt finish my homework.

oh and there comes my egoism. now both my egoism and my sarcasm are eating my blog. so i have to prepare the fork and spoon, salt and pepper. hah whatever. i'm on the verge of insanity as you can see. because i can tell myself. i dont know what nonsense i'm spouting or whatsoever. ignore me =]

i have made friends with sloth. amazing eh? haha i'm... weird. ah well. i like my weirdness :D

[break these chains]

was really tired today. youth day was quite fun. i enjoed the eating and the disco thing was a little comical. but it was okay.

was really fun having lunch with glory, su hui and denise. they're damn funny.

the reflection today really made me open my eyes even wider. sigh... okay i just had this really disgusting feeling for no special reason. maybe it is regret.

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i'm worried. i'm worried you might do something. something no worth it at all. if you continue hurting yourself, it is definitely gonna be worse. so i you think what you're doing will make the world a better place, i doubt so.

i'm such a big hypocrite...

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i'm sorry mag... i know it was really unfair to you. but i have to also help them too... i'm sorry. well i hope you arent too upset about it anymore. if you wanna scold me, erm then go ahead. =]