[reflections of a 12-year-old friendship.]

bumped into jesmine and danielle when i was out on saturday afternoon, cutting my hair. danielle was plucking her eyebrows =.= hahaha so jesmine and i were just chatting outside and we took some photos haha











jesmine and i have been friends for 12 years... yup, it's our 12th year this year. we have known each other since kindergarten. i remember once during out test in K2, i was sitting next to her. i finished the paper super quickly and so i just looked at her paper. she counted the number of ducks on the paper wrongly, so she got the wrong answer. and so i was just looking at her answers and telling myself "orh, wrong. wrong again. this one correct. that one wrong" hahaha okay, i know i shouldnt be looking at the paper, but i did anyway.

and so yeah. we went to CHIJ together along with another few peeps like celine jiang and amanda ler. we went to to the same sec sch and graduated in the same year. she's at cjc now. haha i remember the times she kept asking me to go shopping with her and to kbox with her. those... were the days.

bought a new skirt, hahahahaha i like it =D
______________________________________

i argued with my mom. yeah i admit, i was wrong on my part. but when she said she wanted to see results now, my heart kinda sunk.... i dont know, it kinda did?

i guess it's cause of the fact that we both agreed to wait till the end of the year, and yeah.

oh well, i deserved it... i'm not in the right position to say she broke the promise when i did so in the past countless times.

sigh.

i cant do it now

i'm sorry :(
______________________________________

it's tough having to cope. i have even more problems i'm facing right now. it isnt easy to keep talking to happy things when you have all these sucky things stuck in your mind all the time. and it isnt easy to NOT think about them. it isnt easy, at all.

i want sleep. i want time. i want my friends. i want peace. i want to stop thinking. i want to pass my promos. i want to be a better person because.... i'm no good :(

______________________________________

[fa la la.]

been having a lack of sleep all week and i'm struggling to keep awake. gambatte, briana.

it was the SRJC WiLL run today. i ran a total of 13km today.. definitely far beyond my limit.... it's at least 3 times the amount i run in school most of the time. we're supposed to run 10km. cat and i ran an extra 3km today. it was pretty good.

our class emerged 1st runner up for the J1 category, good job people =D




didnt expect to win anything but we did! which is great, hahaha

some random photos yx and gwynna took with my phone.








































































oh yeah there were mascots too... the target distance sr was trying to hit was 20014km, which would be from the south pole to the north pole. the mascots represented australia, singapore, malaysia, thailand, laos, russia and of course the north pole. i guess there were more, but i cant seem to remember.

photos of mascots. and the start of the opening ceremony.















there you can see the white thingy there, which is supposed to be the merlion. denise's the person in the thai costume.















jaymond's in the blue thing, representing russia. it's damn hot in that costume man. hahaha muscleman (i forgot his name cause he was introed to me as muscleman during pae), being one of the mascots and finally, jiayi the merlion behind the two of them.















there, the monk who does really look like the monk is marian's friend, samuel, i think. representing laos. and the kangaroo is CUTE! satish the kangaroo, representing australia.















and finally! the STAR!!! our white polar bear! the ball ball inside has requested not to disclose his identity, but yes it's the ball ball inside. LOL, funny larrr









polar bear vs kangaroo. hahaha super cute larrr

oh yeah, cat's friend and i had a chance to take a photo with the polar bear!





























hahaha cute fella.

more random photos i took with gwynna.






there was some performance during the ceremony.



the run was great... after running 13km, i still wanted to keep running. i didnt get the chance to run more because of the time limit we were given, 1hr45mins... most of the girls ran an average of 13km to 14km in that amount of time. the guys, on the other hand, were given 1hr30mins and a lot of them ran an average of 15km to 16km.

there was this great sense of achievement after running so much. a task that seems so impossible didnt seem that impossible after all.

at first i didnt think i could complete that much, considering how i struggled after running 4km during pe and the 2km i ran for huisi during the trial run some time ago. and both my shins were hurting like hell cause we played tchoukball during pe on thursday. but omg! 13km lehh. it was a great accomplishment. running was never so fun until today. it was great running with your friends, cheering each other on. yes, srjc met the target and it's great! it was a tiring run but it was super fun. =D my legs are still aching and my shoulders are kinda aching too.

showed the 1 hour plus i spent at the gym was kinda worth it too. yay.

i regret not signing up for the nike 10km run, ugh.

slept on the way home. missed my stop and ended up at sji. sian. it was super dreadful to have to take a bus back.

i cried today. on the way home. i was heartbroken. and i still am. i find it really hard to pick up again. a broken heart is difficult to piece together, but it's even easier to further tear it down. i feel that way now. i'm greatly hurt by my three friends and they're the reason why i dread going to school.

oh by the way, Jack and Rai's new album is finally out. they're the dudes playing at the famine camp concert. super good. yay :D i'm gonna buy their album lar, been waiting for it.

[dream of the next time.]

this weekend has been rather nice.... really. if only it lasted longer. haha, really.

i'm having more trust issues than ever. it feels the last few times back in ij, i dreaded going back to ij. i got into trouble too you know?

right now i'm not getting into any trouble. however, i seem to have created a few extra problems for myself. sigh.... and yes, another reason to feel shitty everyday and dread school.

i placed too much trust in someone, so readily that i end up hurting myself and the people around me. you know how draggy it feels? and how tired it is to have this thing dragging you down and you have to spend even more effort having to pull, move forward.

i thought i left all that rah rah back in ij, but noooo. the same thing has to happen here. i lost like 2 friends already. and i really held these two friends close. you know... the thought of losing them, it does suck. it sucks even more when you have to face them in school everyday and not know what to say nor do. all i did so far was to pretend i didnt see them.

yes it's lonely in class again.

the weeks ahead are gonna be tough. i sure hope i can hang on long enough and to make my promise valid. things are getting more twisted nowadays, and worse everyday. so bad it's getting to me, affecting me emotionally. i lost the motivation to do a lot of things thanks to it and all i think about doing nowadays are the simplest things, excluding studying.

i guess it's a good thing that he has moved on. i will leave the memories there. i have moved on from what happened 4 months ago.

i guess he hasnt after all.... all that sarcasm and irony. it's confusing okay. and i heard he's back.

another friend of mine has just disappointed me greatly, and i dont want to talk to him, neither do i want to see him. seems like what he said in the past, doesnt mean much anymore. things just get better.

never an end to things i have to worry and get headaches over.

on a lighter note, there's still one more person i know for sure i can trust everyday :) thank you.

stop torturing youself.

i'm trying not to make the same mistakes i made.

i'll upload more stuff in future. i'm not exactly in the mood to do so right now.

sweet words melt your heart like butter on a hot pancake.

[defy gravity with a thud.]

the thought of being surrounded by people who are not who they seem to be, makes me feel really intimidated. i have to be so careful. with me thoughts, words, actions, everything. every word i say has to be processed many many many many times more than usual before i actually say it, just so to create further misunderstandings, or risk being backstabbed.

i'm left here to fend for myself for now. i feel afraid, having to share my problems. i just have this fear that...

i regretted making this phone call. right now, i really do. why the hell am i still so selfish? WHY. screw this. like i've screwed almost everything up. flunking my exams, having misunderstandings with people, "not liking" this place, these are the never ending problems that wont stop coming and in the end, you tell yourself, "that's just life" in fact, thats prolly one of the best ways and one of the worst ways to consoling yourself.

my mom just said something to me, which made me really pissed off. and right till the end, it occurred to me that they dont know me that well after all and yes i have created this barrier because time and time again, things happened and i simply lost interest in sharing who i am anymore. the fine line between who i am and who i ought to be is so clear i dont even like it, in fact, i prolly hate it.

i've been in my own world for a long time now.

i'm starting to learn not to trust people again. it's a scary feeling actually. being extra cautious around people you were once so comfortable with. have we all really changed so much? so much we cant recognise each other, not even ourselves.

tell me more about yourself
erm...... haha hi, i'm me.

sad to say, instead of the good friend i try so hard to be, i unintentionally and automatically become a vixen, the bad one. have i been trying too hard, or i simply havent tried hard enough?

i guess it's trying too hard? i've risked a lot for my friends. and should i regret it? i screwed up my results, my energy management is a mess and i'm still asking myself if i did the wrong thing. stupid, dont you think?

i'm alone now. i've cried a couple of times.

bye.

[when you wish upon a star.]

change can never be temporary, believe me. you can go ahead and try, and you will land at the same conclusion. because going back is not easy at all. in fact, it's almost impossible. you can try to make it possible, but i know you cant.

a lot of hypocrisy has been going on lately. and i have to mention that yes, i am one too. and i dont know why. but to the person who has made it so so so possible for me, congratulations. you are about to make it to the top 3 hypocrites on my list.

i was about to lose my mind earlier, because of what someone said. i was so mad i cried, and i was so angry i started to shiver. i havent been like that in a really long time, just shows how angry i was at that point of time. screw this. screw off, you're not even worth me caring so much. you said we dont even know you well? i'm throwing the exact same words back at you, now eat it.

i dont care if you feel hurt, because you know what? your words just hurt the two of us, and i feel so stupid to have trusted you. you want to bring up the past to shoot me back in the face. well i'm sorry dude, it's not working, because whatever happened, doesnt even matter to me anymore. it wont make me cry, it wont make me sad, i wouldnt even think about it.

you can start to turn the rest of the world against us, but we know what we did. wrong or not, we know it. and i hope you really reflect on your attitude and behavior when it comes to her. when she asks you to do your pw, what was your attitude? when she politely asked you to have a meeting, what was your response? did she even do anything to fight back? to order you? i know she didnt. she even wanted to apologise to you.

it's so hard to know who to trust anymore..... backstabbing is becoming more than frequent lately and i'm facing a lot of disappointment at the moment.
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tried out this spore creature creator by EA. some trial thing before the actual game is released. this is my retarded creature LOL





haha yeah, pretty interesting...

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many weeks ago, i came across this video from an email. i cried watching less than half the video. it was really.. damn sad...


Pledge to go fur-free at PETA.org.

please read a little, and stop buying fur products. spare a thought for these animals. cause what they have to suffer for our benefits.

because of that video, i decided to read up on the acres and spca website. on the adoption page of the spca website, i saw a husky up for adoption. it's a red husky. and i wonder to myself why anyone would abandon a husky. i thought a lot of people dream to have a husky.

dont humans understand that animals too, have feelings. they run and jump like we do. eat and sleep like we do. feel sad, happy, angry, loved, like we do. so why is it that they are mistreated? in fact, we too are animals, known as humans. it just happens that we were given a chance to shine out. and that automatically brings all the others to a "lower level"

during famine camp, we had a newspaper collection and we came across this rabbit who was locked up in a cage. it's bottle of water was a lil dirty. there was no food. well, basically, the poor rabbit looked like it wasnt given enough care and concern and the owner neglected it. when i wanted to pet it through the cage, it bit me... shows how hungry it is... when i knocked on the door to ask for newspaper or old clothes and to tell them that their rabbit is like dying, no one answered the door. i wonder what happened to the rabbit. i sure hope the someone did something for it.

because of that, and the movie "10 Promises to My Dog", i love cookie so much more. i really want her to stay on as long as possible. the thought of her leaving one day, makes me wanna cry.



http://acres.org.sg

go read, and stop animal abuse :D

[the heart never lies.]

i'm crying.

i'm torn apart.

[remind us all of what we used to be.]

i only know how to hurt people.

this seriously sucks. this is the reason why i should shut up. if i just shut up, my words wouldnt unknowingly hurt someone. my thoughts, words, actions just create more trouble each day.

and i only want to die now. so much for trying so hard when in the end i still end up doing the wrong thing. i hate myself you know? i really hate myself.

it hurts the most now. it does.

i'm so sick and tired of myself i just want to stop.

i'm stupid.

[you'll always be my baby.]

thanks for the well wishes, my friends :)

i was DAMN suay last thursday. i slammed into the door of one of the classrooms and the class in the next classroom saw it, said "OMG! that girl just banged into the door" yeah suay.

after that, my head just swelled! yes. disgusting photo. you wanna know how bad it is, ask me for the photo online. but i can only tell you, there was this HUGE bump on my head. i thought i was disfigured. my right cheek, right jaw and right knee swelled and bruised too. suay lar. the swelling on my forehead went down after an hour of ice packing and another hour of egg rolling. you have no idea, how effective hard boiled eggs are on bruises.

friday, mag's bday. we had dinner at wheelock's sakae. super fun haha. i miss them so much. in the afternoon, i went back to ij to get my SGC (school graduation cert) and my o levels cert. we went to look for the ARC-ians and we saw mr kang! omg, like after so long, he's finally training us again. sad though, my batch JUST graduated....









































































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saturday, watched red cliff and had class bbq! omg i got pushed into the water by zixiang! after being hugged, wet, by mich and yx! shall upload the photos when i get them from my erzi.

sunday, pw meeting with jasmine, greg and li an! li an and i were cam whoring a lot....





































completed a lot of work on sunday, which is good :)

today's another chemistry day... 3 hours of chem leh! omg. hahaha

gonna sleep soon. i guess this post is mostly photos hur hur hur.
i'm damn tired LUH

ALWIN! get well soon. stop eating and sleeping in the hospital. haha.

_________________________________________

i guess it's good to know you're doing much better, feeling much better. i hope things really turn out much much much much better for you and you can be happy. if you said you found whats that missing link, then good. after what happened, i know you were left fallen, bruised, and bleeding. you bled for a long time and i would cry at times because so. i'm sorry, i really am.

please be happy, and i really hope you are. no matter what, there are still many people who care for you.

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We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine

Now you want to be free
So I'm letting you fly
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die
No!

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave girl
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably you'll be back again
Cause ya know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back girl
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder oooohhh
I know that, you'll be right back, babe
Ooooh! baby believe me it's only a matter of time

You'll always be apart of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my my baby....

You'll always be apart of me (you will always be)
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on (we will linger on....)
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

Always be my baby

[it was all about love for a child.]

been falling ill like no one's business lately.

did the toe surgery last wednesday and i cant wear shoes :( neither can i bowl for a period of time. my toenail will take MONTHS to grow back...

i have throat and ear infection now. fever is making me feel so.... i dont know... half cold, half hot. it's a terrible feeling.

i'm suffering everyday lar. sigh. cough cough cough everyday, it's damn tiring, damn sian.

failed a lot of my exams. i wanna cry.

i keep missing lessons. took early leave today, was absent last thursday and i think i'm gonna be absent again tomorrow. SIAN okay.

A lvls chinese oral tomorrow. SCARED.

right now i'm just tired, wanna sleep so bad. i hate taking meds... really. like the pills are so huge and swallowing them hurts. sigh...

i'm prolly gonna sleep now after blogging.... cause i feel like crap now. it's terrible.



There's a picture on my kitchen wall
Looks like Jesus and his friends involved
There's a party getting started in the yard
There's a couple getting steamy in the car parked in the drive
Was I too young to see this with my eyes?

By the pool last night, apparently
The chemicals weren't mixed properly
You hit your head and then forgot your name
And then you woke up at the bottom by the drain
And now your altitude and memory's a shame

What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of innocence
I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young
It's okay to be easily ignored
I like to believe it was all about love for a child

And when the house was left in shambles
Who was there to handle all the broken bits of glass
Was it mom who put my dad out on his ass or the other way around
Well I'm far too old to care about that now

What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of innocence
I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young
It's okay to be easily ignored
I'd like to believe it was all about love for a child

It's kinda nice to work the floor since the divorce
I've been enjoying both my Christmases and my birthday cakes
And taking drugs and making love at far too young an age
And they never check to see my grades
What a fool I'd be to start complaining now

What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of innocence
I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young
It's okay to be easily ignored
I'd love to believe it's all about love for a child

It was all about love...

[and all the stars didn't wanna play.]

haha week 2 has started.

the past two days... have been rather... i guess slackish? my class is the only class ending school at 230 on monday, and we're the earliest... went to see a doc, since i'm really falling ill now, and came home to sleep for like 4 hours. woke up, watched the last programme on the euro channel on starhub, which is the euro finals, germany vs spain. yeah seriously, germany played like crap during the finals. fell asleep at the 85th minute and woke up like 2 hours later. went back to sleep.

3 lectures today. econs, math and physics. i was sleeping during math lar.... and it's so weird. cause i know i had like 10 hours of sleep on monday and i felt really really awake. it was as though there was this sudden sleeping aura in the atmosphere. after the lecture, during lunch, i realised it was my meds that made me sleepy. damn...

started on dynamics during physics. it was also... boring. when you're like re-learning the three laws of newton, F=ma and W=mg. it was really boring. today's Mrs Teo's last day though... she's gonna go on maternity leave and she said it's gonna be a girl, and she's gonna be giving birth soon this week or the next. in the last half hour of our physics lecture, our new tutor, Mr Jonathan Ng, prepared some songs for us to sing to Mrs Teo and he introduced himself. aw man, so gonna miss Mrs Teo. she was a really nice tutor, who was willing to stay with us for hours for us to consult her despite having to care for her large tummy. i'm sure she'll make a great mummy like how she's a great tutor now. we'll miss you, Mrs Teo.

bumped into Amanda Pai on the way home. she just had cca. was asking her how IJ and ARC was since i havent gone back in ages. haha when i think about ARC, i think the one thing i really love most are my Equalites. i really really miss them a lot. we stuck together for 4 years and had great fun together, even though there were times we got pissed at each other when we're stressing over our robots.















(left to right): Zong Ling, Elizabeth, Matilda, Geraldine, Me
front: Savina
missing: Magdalene
















(left to right): Zong Ling, Me, Geraldine, Magdalene, Matilda, Elizabeth
missing: Savina

i remember my first NJRC with Elizabeth. the two of us stuck on and only the two of us in our group actually stayed on in ARC. my second NJRC was with Geraldine instead. yeah we argued a LOT and with Val too. third year's with Geraldine and Zong Ling. i really loved my third year, we had LOADS of fun, when they stayed over and haha i remember the two of them sleeping on my bed together, LIKE PIGS. past FRSes, i've been working with Magdalene in the mechanical team, and yeah, we had super fun, and i remember the time she had an "accident" in the DnT lab, it was super funny. my first and only FLL was great. it wouldnt have been without Elizabeth and Matilda. i will never forget the times with Savina. our final year in ARC was rather interesting, when we stayed to clean up the room, talk about ARC and all in our free time, as well as the many times she offered help to me when i needed it. the last time i met up with them, they havent changed much and it's great to know they havent changed much. :)

i dont know if they'll see this but oh wells......

Elizabeth:

chua, thanks for being such a comical person for the past 6 years that i've known you. although you're always late, lazy, clumsy, blur and slow, hahaha you're not liz if you're not all these. it was really really really great working with you back in sec sch. and i need to say this again, you are really damn smart, thats why you're in RJ okay. i miss you a lot, and miss the times we laughed and went nuts together during competition prep. we slacked a lot that year at FLL, but it was great! i remember we had pizza hut and crystal jade practically everyday. may you stay cute and funny always =D

Geraldine:

hey girl. you know what? we've been stuck together in the same CLASS and CCA for the past 4 years. yeah we argued A LOT. a lot of ignoring and all especially in sec 3 and 4. and i know the bad stuff you said about me in sec 1! hahaha but i dont remember all those anymore because you're still a grat girlfriend up to today and without you and zong, Click wouldnt have been the greatest team i had. thanks for being there for me all the time when i needed it. giving me a call when i'm emoing, to check on me up to today. your call that day, really touched me and i felt really happy you called. thanks gerri :D i really miss you guys a lot.

Matilda:

hello fatimah =D haha i will never forget that day in P6 when someone mistakenly heard your name as fatimah instead of Matilda. thanks for being a sunshine in my life, being there to shed some light. haha the times when you were being dodos with liz, really really made me smile and hahaha the times when you were complaining and whining with liz and matilda, were really funny and it really made me laugh. i still remember our flexible stationary joke and i miss you a lot. thanks for being there to listen at times and seeing you on the train again on the train that day, kinda made my day. miss you loads Matilda :D

Savina:

hello savie-wavie! you know something? you really taught me a lot. sometimes, when i face problems, i always think of what you would do, or would tell me to do. and that would provide some guide for me so that i wont have to be so lost. thanks for being there to lend a listening ear up to today and i really miss the times you told me you composed a new song and you would send me the recorded file for me to listen to. haha i still keep them lar. but yeah. you were a great friend to me and my two years in IJ wouldnt be that possible, if you werent around. thanks always, for being such a great friend, i really really really appreciated it =D

Zong Ling:

hey zongy! i miss you a lot. thanks for being such a funny and cute friend in IJ. you were mostly blur and sotong, but it makes you really cute and we all really liked laughing along with you. i remember the times you went "OMG! do you know...." and your hand gestures are really cute haha. i also remember the day of our journal submission in 2007, for NJRC. you looked at me and said "OMG! how can you be so calm, i'm so angry seeing you so calm okay?" those were the times. i know on the last day, the two of us and gerri cried really badly, but no matter what, i still love our team because i really really really really really enjoyed myself that year, and i will always keep those memories. thanks zong, for being such a dear friend who never fails to give me the encouragement i needed when i do badly for my exams and when my robot always fails me.

Magdalene:

hey MAG! my earring partner. you know what? the matching earrings we bought that day in 2005, broke! i wore them until they broke. so much for $2/pair. haha but they were the cutest earrings and they meant a lot, had a lot of sentimental value. i even remember the day we went to buy that pair of earrings, i walked out of the stationary shop without paying for that piece of paper. oh man. haha i'm glad to know you're still mag after all these months, still LOUD and noisy as usual. heh. but thats mag, and we love you for that, i know that you know that :) thanks for the times you helped me with my programming and the times we went crazy during FRS. those were precious. i miss your laughter, silent laughter, and the time you go "AIYOH!" like some auntie. they were good memories :D thanks mag, for being loud with me in sec sch :)

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was taking les photos with Gwynna hahaha!












































Gwynna's soon to be dying pencil case.



oh and this is a video of Tak Kin and Gregory playing after class on monday. it's a demonstration of Gregory's karate skills!


______________________________________

old and emo song.



I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me