friday

this was some video i took in class during our one hour half break.



went to the bowling alley 2 hours after class ended. played like 3 games and spent an hour at the arcade before rushing to get the birthday cake with tak kin. turned out we were like 1 hour late... max, aaron, greg, michelle, weitong and jac were waiting for an hour. PAISEH!

the class dinner was fun and filling. had a lot of pizza... and the cake fight was fun, just that all of us were still in sch u. messed up the place and well, we attempted to clear it up but the staff told us it was okay. apologies to heartland mall's pizza hut!

after dinner and all, we headed downstairs. since tak kin was being an ass at pizza hut earlier, smashing cake into most of our faces, the rest of the class had a plan to have our revenge on him. sarah and i left two cakes with michelle and jac. greg and max ran after tak kin with some cake and well they chased him all the way to kovan hub lar.... they failed but attempt number 2 was more successful. zixiang came from behind. haha. max then managed to chase him again and pinned him down, screaming for greg to help. greg, marcus and zixiang then ran over to help. i ran over too, carrying lots of cake. we smashed it in tak kin's face! when we walked back to heartland mall, there was even more. haha the girls put cake in his face, on his shirt and IN his shirt. lol it was hilarious... then he ran around smashing cake in OUR faces once again. lol bugger lar.

max got taupoked after that and it was damn funny lar...




zixiang being a joker again LOL. stole weitong's bag and carrying it on his back, with his own on the front.































































































































sarah the birthday girl





























hahaha the mess... the ground outside heartland mall is damn dirty











































the nice birthday gift for sarah. it's a black A2 placard with our photos all pasted on the front and messages on the back. sarah was gonna cry when she saw this.

-------------------------

last night, i felt really....

because of what happened, i felt really really sad and that useless feeling came back again. i cried a little today thinking about it...

am i really that bad?

is this the end?

[the little things we forget.]

i just woke up.

turned out i fell asleep on my table last night at 12+ and i woke up on my bed this morning at 620. i thought i was late for school. haha.

shall prolly update on friday later.... i'm in the just-woke-up mood.


i felt really..... last night. just a little ticked off by a particular someone. then i just rested my head on the table, thought about a lot of things, and i guess i fell asleep thinking. haha silly.

[happy birthday.]

been ages since i've blogged lol. and yes i finally changed my blogskin... i used the bleach skin since end of sec 2 LOL.

been super busy and tired these few days. things have been happening too, sigh. been rather stressed and not being able to smile. sigh sigh. i need to smile more... boon hao likes to tease me about how tired i look. he said i'm on drugs every night LOL

today was gerri's bday. havent seen the equalites in a month. after school, i rushed to novena square to meet them. we had dinner at fish and co. it was DAMN EX but it's still worth it. had dessert at TCC, where we hung around for half an hour, took a few photos and left. haha. it was quite fun, shared a lot of jokes and experiences in school. rjc guys playing pokemon, thats new.

took photos with zong, mag and gerri only... didnt take any with liz and mat LOL.

econs test was okay and not okay... screwed up my last qn sigh.

tomorrow 1S24 outing! we're gonna celebrate sarah's birthday too, haha woo!















nice tiramisu





























zong ling =D
















liz living up to her name as THE BIRD. matilda, i dont know what she's doing haha





the birthday girl, geraldine. come to think of it, we've been classmates for 4 years.




magdalene =D

























































the equalites (without savina D:)

[lecture notes.]

i want my lecture notes back, very very badly........

i want to cry already.

it's the suckiest day today. i hate this i hate this.

i hate being tired. i hate 153.

i want to cry.

i want my notes back. NOW.

[you make me happy.]

hey sorry for the long delay...

15 March 2008

went out with the equalites to celebrate zong's birthday. we had lunch at nydc, wheelock. after taht they wanted to have dessert at swensens! wth such pigs. spent a bomb lar... always end up burning a hole in my pocket each time i go out with them. the last time, they wanted to eat at sushi tei. lucky i had brunch before meeting them. siao lar... they spent a total of over a hundred dollars at sushi tei and all i had was free green tea, heh =D

between nydc and swensens, some sunkist people were asking passers-by to take photos with oranges in their mouths.










































after swensens, we went to window shop at heeren. was a pretty short day but yeah, it was okay.

thanks for forgetting mine.

21 March 2008 - 1S24 outing

it was a great day, i really enjoyed it.

met up with tak kin at 3pm cause the rest of class wanted to watch rule no. 1 and we didnt wanna watch the movie, decided to meet them after that instead. we walked around plaza sing for about an hour, it was funny bullying him lol.

met up with the rest of the class after that to have dinner. it was funny lar! lol we were playing 终极密码. the forfeit was some rojak soup zixiang created, it was damn gross. haha lucky i didnt kena. it looked very nauseating lol. still had to drink it in the end cause they said everyone has to drink it. lol i made tak kin drink it for me but i couldnt run either. it was cold, sour, spicy and all sorts. ugh. it was fun though... boon hao kena three times and all three times, he called out the number 500.

went to play pool with them after dinner. just realised a lot of the guys are damn good. zixiang was being commentator, haha! damn noisy, damn funny lar. after pool, tak kin and i waited for boon hai to come back from the washroom. when we came out, the girls all left!!! without me! even greg went off with them. all who were left were zixiang, max, maximillian, boon hao, marcus, aaron, tak kin and myself. they forgot about me lar..... haiyoh. so anyways, we were walking off. suddenly, zixiang, max, maximillian, boon hao, aaron and marcus started to walk faster. tak kin and i knew what they were trying to do so we tried to catch up. wah lau, they ran instead. and because tak kin cant run in those jeans, he said it might drop if he does, we had no choice but to see them disappear in the crowd. lol, those idiots... trying to do something funny. sian. when we got to the cathay, they were really GONE. we called them, and told them we were going for supper, so join us. they kept saying "you two need some alone time mah" diaos.

so tak kin and i sat outside 7-11 at plaza sing, eating cup noodles. lol. and they walked past us! we didnt even see them, wth. went home after that at 1030. it was a fun day lar.. just that they had to ps us like that. lol more photos on aaron's and max's blogs.

i'll upload more photos later =D

[here without a reason.]

i'm emoing now.

[young, too young.[]

sorry, i shall post about my 1S24 and 1S17 outing later..

right now, i'm just thinking about a lot of things.

when we grow older, we grow older with more responsibilities. school, studies.

we start making decisions about life. about what we wanna do, or be in the near future (really really near future). soon, our parents arent there to support us, to catch us when we fall. instead, we are there to catch them when THEY fall. right now, at 17, it is the moment to make decisions about what to do in life. what we wanna take up so that it will lead us to somewhere we will enjoy for the rest of our life. this is the time when life is no longer just a game where you just screw up, and hit the restart button. decisions have to be made, without regrets.

there will be more important things that will come in time, things that matter a lot in life. it makes life fragile, complicated and difficult, but it's still life. significant events are what makes life special and allow us to grow each day. everyone has to grow. we can't be peter pan, we will have to move out of our comfort zone one day, to see the world, to experience LIFE.

i really hope they would understand, that not everyone is perfect. dont ever forget that you have flaws too, i have them too. it's just whether you can accept it. before you condemn that person, think about what he or she has done for you. maybe what he or she has done things that made you unhappy or upset, but it's your responsibility as a friend to help him or her. he may seem like the only person with an attitude, but you have too. i have see it for months. the fact that i havent said anything was because i lacked guts.

if you think that a team is about winning, about yourself, about being the best, you're absolutely wrong. a team is where you pick each other up, catch each other from falling, being able to COMPROMISE. acceptance isnt easy, but it's possible.

i remember one training, when quikz said that the most powerful weapon in battle is trust. it isnt the P90, or the M4, but trust. trust in your teammates, trust in yourself. thats how you achieve something.

i left, but it doesnt mean i dont care. i still do. i still worry for all of you everyday. i know well enough that you guys may not appreciate it, but i still do it. dont you think it's ridiculous?

dont you understand the bond all of you share? i've seen it happen before, what happened to it right now?

[bananas.]

supposed to be at kovan macs this morning, studying with gwynna, max, yuxuan and aaron... but i overslept.

tak kin called me at exactly 1215, and i sounded like crap at that point of time. the just-wake-up voice.

was studying with jon, wenhui, fuyang and mok last night. okay so jon didnt, he was sleeping, haha. went home at like what? 12? i was dead tired. slept at like 4 cause i was listening to a friend. thats why i overslept.

meeting my class later, after their movie. i gotta go to e2max to clear some stuff first.

haha so yes, i'm leaving now! haha cya guys later...

max: i will update lar... just no time to nowadays

[172 940.]

RAWR. i just came home from ben's birthday party...

okay, i went for that thing today, expecting to see a crowd, but there were barely 5 people there. lol

and you know what? i got a damn high score that could win me that mp3 player... a score of 172940. 99% notes hit. it was ownage, but you know what? i didnt record the score... the two scores i recorded in the end were higher than my 158 376, which is good news lol. just didnt win in the end, cause some guy came and won it. he didnt miss a single note but he didnt know how to use the star power. lol

hung around vivo with white-o2, lester, white-o2's friend (gordon), clispson and aldrich. it was kinda fun window shopping. met up with jin wei and edmund after that, headed to ben's place for his birthday party.

oh yeah... my new emo friend sitting at new urban male, vivo



















had barcadi at ben's place. face red, hot. just not drunk :D stef made me drink half the bottle cause i lost the game, all in a shot. haha had a lot of fun playing games with them and suaning ben. haha it's been ages since i seen ben. ever since what happened, i didnt know how to talk to him for 2 years. he rang me up out of the blue and told me he was having a birthday party.

was kinda glad he found a girlfriend, shu fen. after being rather...... for 2 years. and i tried my best to avoid him, he finally found himself a girlfriend. but i think they're going through some rough times. knowing stef and i are ben's best friends, she didnt look too happy with the fact that we were there and she looked like she was gonna eat us up... scary.

my first photo with ben in 4 years lol















and a photo with stef
















haha this is a video of my second score. okay cant see what i'm playing but yeah. i was competing with clispson.



for the benefit of aaron, i play a lot of games. but that was all in the past....
click on the link to find out the games i play
http://www.xfire.com/profile/isayoro

i quit already. 2 weeks ago, i dropped out of my trial. so yes, i have quit gaming...

tomorrow's another day where i have to spend more money T.T

maybe i'm gonna hang out with ben, marcus and stef tomorrow night. see how. ah wells, gonna sleep now!

note: i need to change the blogskin... it's been here for way too long. since end of sec 2 LOL

[welcome to the jungle.]

good morning fellas!

friday morning. gonna go to vivo for the guitar hero comp and hope hope hope i get the highest score. honestly speaking, i dont know what to do with that 1gb mp3 player.

it's been quite a few days since i blogged. i've been emoing for a few days, but i finally feel better thanks to jon's gift. haha

orientation was great! i didnt feel like going for it initially but well no regrets now. the class is great. had a lot of fun with them, and we all definitely bonded. gwynna can be my new sick buddy since both of us fall ill so easily all the time we both like to sit out of pe together haha.

my throat got better, but my voice isnt completely back. rawr. i guess cheering did help. haha.

oh yeah, my dad got my guitar hero 3 on wednesday night. finally have more than one game on my xbox360. it's boring to keep playing halo 3. but i decided fps games aren't that good on console. i guess i play too much fps games on pc i cant exactly adapt to playing fps games on console. oh wells.

today, i'll be playing welcome to the jungle by guns n roses. so far my high score for that song is 158 376, and that was last night at 4am.



hope i play like that today or better. i hope i dont even miss a note. haha. okay i'm getting paranoid, gonan go play a few more times. wish me good luck =D

signing out, for now. bye :)

[stay strong.]

i hate.

[look after you.]

it's amazing how a new song everyday can easily reflect how i feel.

things have been happening. and i'm not too happy or feeling great about it in any way. it's a real disgusting feeling to have to emo about things. i really... dont like it.

i cant help but look at the clock every minute at school because i want class to be OVER. i keep wanting to fall asleep lar.... everything's like recap recap recap. physics lecture was boring. 1 and a half hour, listening to something i already know. i keep falling asleep during the first half but i can keep wide awake for the second half. quite... retarded.

went out to have lunch with mok, ek, jerome and wenhui. haha fun lar. jianyi stopped yb to say hi. after ek, mok and jerome left, wenhui and i decided to stay at yoshi to study and we did. she studied chem and i studied econs. ze liang came from the bowling alley after that and was just there playing my psp. jon came at about 6 and well we kinda stopped studying and were just fooling and joking around.... waited for fw to come collect his notes. he came with lester at like 8 and left soon after. the four of us then headed to koba to have our dinner and left for home at like 9.

it was a really fun day :D i hope today will be another fun day cause i have chem prac in the afternoon and pe in the evening =.= wth... end school at like 6 lar. hope i can survive chem lecture, which will be on mole concept... and chem prac, which will be on atomic structure. rawr.

damn tired. and i still have work to do so i shant stay here any longer... well, enjoy your day and have fun :) off to mug! out.

[fight or flight?]

fight or flight?

i was watching heroes, and it kinda got me thinking. there are so many problems the people around me are facing right now. appeal for jae has ended. i didnt get into sajc, so did a few of my friends. accepting the fact that you were rejected again and accepting srjc is a big thing. fight or flight?

ended up in the same og as jon and siyi. draco 3. met jon's "brother", jonathan mok, janice's good friend ek and siyun's ex-classmate, fuyang. we're like ponning everyday and slacking at the cafe, which is damn ex. fong wai's appeal got through so he left too... oh and i met this guy from sas too. his name is jerome. nice chap haha.

i just came home from training. rawr.... always feel damn lazy when i get home from training cause there's always school, bowling then training. yes, i'm dead beat. really shacked and i want to sleep. i'm just blogging cause this blog is dead and i'm gonna sleep.

on tuesday, when i got rejected by sajc, i took a nap in the evening, and i was really really grouchy when i woke up. plus jon was sad too, which made me extra sad. like come on man, who would want to see a friend hurt and sad? plus i'm the kind who gets easily influenced by other people's emotions. i just.... dont say it haha. i can still take it lar. but yeah, was really sad and in a bad mood cause of the rejection and i just felt like snapping at anyone. i almost did, but i didnt, thankfully.

down with throat inflammation. started off with a fever last weekend and then i lost my voice. kinda made it worse by drinking iced milk tea everyday and talking so much everyday... rawr. dont like my sexy voice now. i miss the days when i get to sing along with wenhui okay....

wenhui and i are like sisters now, we share everything together. even our current deepest darkest secrets. i think she's one of the few people who may understand how i feel about certain things i myself cant explain, and she's enlightening me. haha thank god for wenhui =D

i'm in 1S24 now... i really miss my 1S17 luh. for the rest of the year, i'll be in the same class as greg and max. too bad fong wai left, or else we'll be int he same class too, which would be ultra cool. ugh. i miss aldrich, kelvin and fong wai lar.... i miss dsen and siyun too. always go to school to see the two of them talk crap and all. it was really fun hanging out with all of them. i like my srjc friends more than my ij friends lar. i feel like i know this person for like a year or something, but in fact we've only known each other for prolly a week only. haha happens a lot nowadays. i guess thats how i make so many friends in srjc now. becoming a PR person. lol.

there are so many things i'm worried about, but i know it's worth it. be it my own problems or the problems my friends are facing. i always feel the need to worry about them. i know it may be unnecessary, but i think it's worth it, cause i do care for my friends. man, i love my friends haha.

well, i hope my days at srjc will be ultra fun and interesting. i think it will be haha.

okay time to sleep. good night. out.

[cut.]

"Friendship is delicate as a glass, once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks"

i had a friend. a new friend. we've known each other for about a month and a half now.

place too much hope into it and you fall deeper. should i choose to stop hoping?

my dad said to me that everyone has motive. they're nice to you for a damn reason. is this what i should believe? i dont want to, but i can make myself believe that. even if it takes tearing down my idea of friendship, i will.

i had some things with this friend of mine. even though we decided to let everything be the same again, i guess things cant. i really hoped things could and still hope things can.

it hurts inside. it does. will this ever end? will our problems stop here?

chanced upon the quote online. i guess it's a good representation of how i feel now. gina once told me that no matter what happens, you cant take it like nothing has happened. just like being cut, you bleed and heal, leaving a scar. i've been broken so many times, been cut by my friends oh so many times. i'm still trying to survive this time.

so much has happened since the start of this year and time has passed so quickly...

[apology.]

stop believing.

[left behind.]

grow up girl.

[2008.]

lol i feel like i'm really deserting this blog. i hvnt had the time to post and stuff.

well, right now, i'm attending school at SRJC (Serangoon Junior College). well on the first day of school, i pretty much hated the school and didnt feel like going the next day. i guess it was cause my OG was really quiet and it was quite disheartening to not have friends in school. even my IJ friends were distant. as time passed, i started to enjoy school, just dreaded waking up early in the morning. the first few days of orientation sucked, with the many talks that never stopped going and going.

the guys in orion 4 were quiet, but they were pretty much more familiar amongst themselves. the girls, we started to get to know each other and well yeah we had fun. on the third day of school, it was janice's birthday so i asked the rest to chip in money to buy this really nice (but small and expensive) carrot cake for her. we bought the cake, blew the candles. i was hoping we all could have some fun and all of us can start talking, well everyone was quiet, but i guess it was okay.

just when we started to get comfortable with each other, talking to one another, the school split us up! and we're in diff classes now. i'm in 1S17! yeah, went home to write many messages for my orion 4 peeps. i met siyi and wenhui the first day we got together and yeah it was very fun talking to them and hanging out with them in school. in a period of 2 days, the class started to get along and it was fun. lol up to now, it has really been filled with fun, joy and laughter. i love my class, lol.

started talking to jon after we all split up. he's a nice guy and we're like buddies now. the one thing i know about him is that he likes to sleep! and i like to sleep! lol. i miss pui wah and the two elaines! lol

ah well, since lessons started this monday, i havent touched games ever since. too busy. didnt even have enough sleep!

ah wells, it's late. hope i will remember to blog! yeah bye, signing off. out.

[merry christmas]

merry christmas to all!

it was a bad morning for me on xmas eve. but i guess things got better once i got out of the house.

things have been happening these fews days, not only to myself, but to many other people around me. people breaking up, constant arguements that never seem to end and an unpleasant emotional rollercoaster.

i'm still feeling stressed when it's the HOLIDAYS. my boyfriend is not in town for a month, so i cant cry. it's making me extra stressed. not because i'm afraid he'll find someone else, but because i have to suppress everything. sigh sigh.

i'm not emo. but i just become temporarily emo at times when i argue with lester ONLINE. yeah wtf right? lol but no, i'm not emo.

[i love Farenheit.]

the O levels are finally over for me. damn tired. look like a panda and yes not used to the non O levels days where mugging stops for now.

i want the WoW battlechest.
i want Call of Duty 4. the demo is fun.
i want the Orange Box. i love TF2.

but these all cost money. RAH

been watching a lot of farenheit serials, such as 终极一家 (Zhong Ji Yi Jia, aka "The X Family") and 公主小妹 (Gong Zhu Xiao Mei, aka "Romantic Princess"). finished 终极一家, all 55 episodes.

click here -> 终极一家
click here -> 公主小妹

it's been a really long while since i started watching my taiwanese idol dramas. hur, it's really making life so much more dreamy.

ah well. much to do during the holidays. i wanna go to SPCA to do some volunteer work, like take care of the pets there. not afraid of being bitten or scratched :D

grad night next week. went out window shopping for 3 hours with savie today. yes, we're not the shopping kind, so it was really tiring T.T but yeah worth it. grad night's gonna cost a bomb. so does everything else.

[skeletons in my closet are too big for me to hide.]

for the 15 years i've been living on this planet, i thought i had a dad where i didnt have to share with other people, except my brother. when i was 5, my dad bought a cake for my brother and i everyday, and we would celebrate our birthdays everyday. by the time i was 6, it stopped. it was the time for the family to break up. my mum, brother, grandma and i moved to toa payoh.

just recently, a figure from my past has once again reappeared and she has contacted me. although i dont have a bad impression of her, or in fact, any of my cousins, i'm still reminded of what happened in the past. she was my eldest cousin and well when i was just 2, she lived with us, since it was much closer to the JC she was attending (VJC). my parents, especially my mum used to tell me about my cousin, about how she was living with us and played with me. maybe i do remember seeing photos but i never remembered her face. as far as i know, she used to play the guitar to me and watched tv with me. i guess after she graduated, she went home. i heard we were really close then. 2 nights ago, i received a friendster message from her. it seemed she found me and well i left my email with her. she did email me last night and told me she was gonna organise another cousins gathering like she often does because someone is getting married.

just last year, i found out my family's history is so much more complicated than it is already. i found out i had so many more siblings than i already have, and one of them is getting married soon. my mum said to not go to the gatherings because things can happen, and yes thats what i'm afraid of. up to now, i still have so many doubts about how i came about. it didnt bother me until the past was once again dug out. after i see their faces on the net, i feel so... abandoned by my dad again. yeah, my mum has always been there, i know that. but at that time, when my family was breaking up, i was old enough to know what was going on. and i can vividly remember what happened at home. i'm gonna have problems evading that why-are-you-not-going question and it does suck. it's not that i wanna hate my other siblings just cause they exist. it's because they tried to brainwash my brother before that doesnt put them in my good books.

i know i shouldnt be snubbing (i cant find the right word) them because after all, we're still siblings, just step siblings and it wasnt their fault that we're all here. but the fact that our presence would allow tongues to wag, and anything can happen. this is the reason why i dont even visit my relatives nor talk to them.

i'm in this i-dont-know-what-to-do mood. i have so many friends who live in broken families and they're affected by what their parents do. it's not fair to them. why must we bear the consequences for they have done? have they ever thought of how we would turn out in future if things dont go right?

divorces and having remarriages is starting to become a trend in my family, both paternal and maternal sides. i'm not saying all of my aunts and uncles have divorces. but some of them do. my cousin recently filed a divorce.

what's gonna happen in the new future?

the skeletons in my closet are too big for me to hide.

[rubbing salt into the wound.]

last week, i received a DAMN big envelope from SP, it said "IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR 'O' LEVEL STUDENTS" on the envelope. plus it was A4 size. so i thought it may be my dpa results! like yay, finally a response. but it turned out to be a newsletter =.= cheated my feelings. and i was so happy. WAS happy.

today, i received a letter from NP. after monday, i didnt know what to expect already. maybe another letter regarding some i-dont-know-what-talk or something. it sure didnt look like a newsletter. anyways, my mum stood at my room door as i slowly opened the envelope and pulled out the letter. it was indeed regarding my DPA. and well, they just sent it to me to tell me i didnt get it.

"I am writing to thank you for applying to Ngee Ann Polytechnic under the Direct Polytechnic Admission (DPA) Exercise.

Because of the overwhelming number of candidates who had applied for our courses and the very limited number of DPA places available, competition is very keen and we are sorry that we are unable to offer you a place through the DPA Exercise.

We do hope to welcome you as a Ngee Ann Polytechnic freshman, and look forward to your application under the 2008 Joint Admission Exercise (JAE) where many places will be made available. JAE will begin upon the release of the 'O' Level results in January 2008.

We encourage you to continue to study hard, and wish you every success for you 'O' Level examinations. Our Polytechnic offers a vibrant student life. You will enjoy an enriching and memorable learning journey through our broadbased curriculum, Mobile eLearning (MeL), overseas programmes, and rich co-curricular activities offered by more than 130 student clubs. We do hope that, by April next year, you will be a part of our exciting family.

To check our DPA application results with the other polytechnics, you can log on to www.polytechnic.edu.sg/dpa between 13 and 16 August 2007."

terrible. it's like rubbing salt into the wound. and i'm trying to forget monday. however, a lot of people are asking me about my chinese results and how my dpa went. ah well.

i'll putting all of my hopes on my JAE then :)

maybe tomorrow, i'll get a letter from TP HAHA =D

ah well ah well.

goodbye for now.

[double whammy.]

AH FUCK.

my DPA application didnt get through. i got a damn B4 for chinese (with a merit for oral) and i'm feeling damn damn damn demoralised.

since i always had this slow reaction thing, i cried 2 hours after getting my results. like WTF! after that i couldnt stop crying. when i received my results, i jsut stoned. wanted to cry, but i couldnt. ah well

zheming's day was spoilt because of his results too. my day was far worse upon realisation that my DPA application failed me. so, zheming and i are gonna retake. i guess after receiving his results, zheming has come to realise the importance and the anxiety.

was feeling all down and stuff. lester came over, spoke to me about a lot of things, and i felt much much better. i shouldnt be down in the gallows now that time is running out. yeah i still feel that way, but i guess i gotta pick up quick. really thankful he was there when i needed him. i kinda stopped crying after he was there to console me and say really nice and reassuring things. man i gotta work hard. GOTTA WORK HARD MAN!

talking to zheming made me busy for a while, since i was scanning all my oral notes for him because he was having his english orals tomorrow. haha daniel cheered me up knowing about my results and my DPA. haha he made me laugh with the whole new knife clan thing. haha damn cute sia.

sigh. i'm just damn tired now. i need to kick my gaming addiction for now...

[blue.]

life has pretty much sucked these days.

i'm finding myself being sucked into a black hole again. and i hate it. when i look around me, even though it's my room, i see this black dark nothing instead. i'm so clouded by my own issues and the same negativity is devouring me.

i dont mean to be emo, but it really sucks to be like this. i'm losing everything. my mind, my sanity, and control over my own feelings. i'm starting to succumb to every problem on the way and i dont know what i want. i just feel like taking extra panadol to numb myself. that feeling really sucks. i know i made a promise, thats why i'm stopping myself.

i feel like sleeping, becuase i wont feel sad at all from sleeping. but i bloody hell have 4 tests tomorrow. and i hvnt even started.. look at the time already! i've spent the time i had sleeping and crying. i feel empty and alone. wtf. i hate this feeling.

i'm not the only one with issues and problems, which leaves me feeling helpless and so useless. i feel stupid, and i know i'm dumb. wtf.

when i crossed the road on the way home, i wanted to jay walk and get home quicker to throw myself into bed and do nothing. traffic wasnt busy, just a few cars passing by, i thought to myself "can i cross now?" i didnt in the end, just waited. as i watched the cars drive by, i felt like throwing myself onto one of them and experience a much greater pain than what i am experiencing right now. you may think "this girl here is just being emo and she's just throwing her life away", but that was just how i felt at that very moment. i didnt in the end. if i did, i wouldnt be here right now. maybe a greater pain would be enough to clear most of my problems and i would feel so numb, i forget the pain i'm going through now. it was probably the quickest yet the most dangerous and ineffective way of solving my problems. lying in the hospital in pain, with a broken leg would prolly be a pain greater than what i feel now. but ah well.

i wont say no one understands how i feel. no one would understand because i'm shutting up. and why am i shutting up? i seem to have a problem with expressing myself properly and making my feelings and problems known. yeah i know when i say that, most people will say "it's not that difficult! you're just finding excuses! and it's not that you dont know how, you just dont want to" yeah sure, go ahead and think that way. but i really do have difficulties okay? no matter how hard i try, i cant, because i dont know how and sometimes i'm just afraid of the consequences okay? i may have to bear with another problem, like lack of trust or something like that. just something to do with that particular person's emotions and how i hurt them.

[signal fire.]

hello blog

you are now again reactivated!

haha just joking...

man i really havent blogged in ages huh?

it has been 11 days since i did...

anyways... june holidays were spent indoors... well 90% of the time..

haha i finished the entire emath tys, which was good! had to go for classes for the first two weeks of june... it was tiring man... but it's over now...

and the homework was OVERLOAD. come on lar... at least (means there was more) 17 papers (consisting of prelim papers, GCE O levels papers and mid year papers) in two weeks? WTF right?

i can safely say the only subjects i could finish by the end of the hols were english and chem. i finished 3/4 of all my emath homework.. all i was left with were two prelim papers... even mrs kunna said she felt there was too much homework for us.

because of the homework, we're all tired by the third day of school, which is today. ACTUALLY, you could say we were all dead beat by the first day of school. IT'S THE THIRD DAY OF SCHOOL TODAY FOR PETE'S SAKE! and i have been sleeping at 3am for the past two nights, it sucks, terribly... i instantly felt asleep when i wanted to catch a wink during recess. waiting for the weekend, when we can all take a 3 day break. no school on monday... yay!

so what did i do for the last two weeks of hols? let's see..

i went to the newpaper cyberchallenge held at funan, from 14th june to 17th june. was there to give my support for Bf.Nut and see see look look at the same time. i was at funan at 1030am in the morning, before the event started on the 14th. saw mr tan there. wah when i was looking at the participants' in game names the night before, i saw an eric309 playing cnc3... and i O.O... really... savie said it may just be a coincidence, but 309? who the heck would use 309? so anyways, it turned out he was there, before the thing started... but he dumb dumb lar... was there on the wrong day. finally told him and he was like "AH waste time!" and went shopping for stuff... i guess he was pretty shocked to see me as well. but anyways... the first day i was there, it was really boring... Recon.Kid's team made it to finals... their preliminary match against JEDI was a scary one. they almost lost man. so yeah, Bf.Nut clinched all the prizes for the bf2142 tournament, 1st, 2nd and 3rd.

on the day of the finals, the 17th, i was there alone. hung out with Bf.Nut int he end. went to cine for the GXL roadshow. played rainbow six, lost AHAHAHAHA. i noob i noob. went home after that...

then lester was back from thailand on the 23rd! went to the airport to kinda pick him up... spent an hour waiting for him and talking to kenny at the same time. the long one month of waiting finally paid off and he was finally back! yay! man, it was tough having to only be able to see him through the 19 inch screen everyday.

i should start on my homework soon haha...

happy 10 month anniversary lester :) thanks for making the last 10 months worth living for.. you too have giving me the motivation to work hard for the future and i'm happy to know we have indeed shared many many memories, both good and bad. even though we fight a lot, have a lot of issues here and there, i'm glad we're still here together and fighting together. we'll prove everyone else wrong about us okay? let's be happy always =D

[so much violence ends in silence.]

no email.
no comic.

so much for hoping.

so much for promising me lar.

i'm fucking up every detail, screwing everything bad and upside down.

easy, thats it.

i'm sorry.

[inexplicable aegis.]

run away with the inexplicable aegis.

[wrong fever.]

i'm a having a fever...

and i got scolded for having a fever...

i have been having a fever since last night. when i realised my fever hasnt subsided this morning, i told my mum i wasnt going to school because of the fever and she scolded me and wanted me to go to school. but my temp was about to reach 39 degrees celsius. i didnt go in the end, but because of the fever, she said i was slacking and said i didnt want to go school. i proved to her i did have a fever but she just scolded me and gave me that silent treatment.

is it wrong to have a fever?

then she said i'll go to ITE and that my mid year results cant even get me to poly. thats when i started to doubt mrs kunna's words about not worrying about the mid years. she said

"dont worry about your mid year results. you dont have to sit there and cry. just as long as you know where you went wrong, work hard for the prelims and your o levels"

then she starts to say a lot of things contradicting what she say earlier. i dont know what she told my mum, but i doubt what she said. because it seems to me that the mid years really is a BIG thing and we ought to sit and cry about it.

not only that... i totally got condemned. my bro just said to me this afternoon "you no o levels arh? prepare to stay back one year"

instead of saying stuff about me ending up nowhere, cant i hear something encouraging from you people?

i'm having a fever and a really bad headache that has been going on since last night. i have to sleep with the headache, do everything with the headache. and all i got today was for me to cry even more, and it made my headache worse...

my mum even said things like "now that you stopped gaming, you're moving to your animations?" i hvnt even touched my anime for a long time and i was just gonna watch that few bleach episodes i missed. she even said things like "then you didnt get a fever from watching your animations yesterday afternoon?"

i got the fever LAST NIGHT. omg.

and so, i got condemned just like that, all cause of the fever.

if i could, i choose not to have the fever because it's relly painful and having to bear with the headache, the sore throat and the fatigue, it's bad. and i feel so weak already... honestly, i feel like i'm about to faint.

got 2days mc. even so, it doesnt help but answer for my absence in school. cause even if i still have a fever tomorrow, i HAVE to go to school.

suddenly, the O levels just seem so much more important than trying to get well soon. i wonder if i go on like this, am i gonna die tomorrow?

sigh.

[o levels. sian.]

ah this sucks.

nagged at for o levels....

this really sucks

did DAMN badly for mid years.

1. never study properly T.T
2. papers damn difficult, plus some were super modified.
eg physics paper, no mcq, failed

i never failed science before. so damn sian lar. and today mrs kunna says i looked so spaced out in her class. if that was the case, how the heck did i get A1 for emath? you tell me lar... she said i looked spaced out in HER class (emath) and i get an A1 for emath.

really damn sian. i need someone to talk to now. like really talk heart to heart ya know? sheesh, just really need someone now... sigh.

chinese Os next monday, i feel dead. i will go through all my worksheets and keep doing them.

sigh, o levels - sian

not to mention the o levels are pushed 2 weeks forward. sucks.

and i might just consider applying for DPA (Direct Polytechnic Admission) for Temasek Poly, either biotech or chem... i think i'll most prolly go for biotech. i dont feel safe having to study econs in JC, honestly. now that they made it compulsory to take a non-mat/science sub in JC, going to JC would prolly mean seeking my own death. EVEN IF i tyco tyco (okay not possible, but managed to) get into a science stream at JC, math and science would be in depth already, not to menation econs need a lot of memory space and i dont have enough ram to be that good, i would be asking myself to go to hell if i were to go to JC right?

damn, this entire entry is all about O levels. RAH

plus, we have to like write our own testimonials... or rather, they want us to write out statement of experiences in IJ so that it makes things easier for the teachers to write our testimonials... WTH. all by 1st june lar. hello? i've done so much in my past 4 years, participated in so many competitions... tell me what to write... not to mention a really really really really long reflection (like prolly 40 pages long) to prove our teachers how mature we are... i dont know if i can rememeber every slightest thing i did. lemme think

secretary sec 1
class comm sec 2
class comm sec 4
frs
njrc
space robot
robofest
fll
netball carnival sec 1 2 3
games festival
cross country
sports day sec 1 2 3 4
honours day sec 1 and 3
.
.
.
.
.
.

A LOT LAR i cant remember, a large chunk in cca records, but not every single thing is in there... have to include all the other random things too, which i cant hardly rememeber. i've done so much in sec 1, worked my guts out in the class comm, in all three committees for netball carnival for two years. played and salvaged cheerleading team with shar in sec 2 (honestly that was horrendous because jess and clare told the two of us they were ponning netball carnival the next day without telling anyone else and we, the tomboyish people in class, had to cover them up by being reserves in the cheerleading team for them lar....). we won in the end haha. plus in sec 2, the rest of the class pang sehed me and mrs wong and i was the only student there at novena church trying to clear the cocoa tree vouchers with mrs wong's daughter (she's not even in ij....)

it went like this...

this is a post i copied and pasted from my past entries dated 6 February 2005... damn old, but it's still around and it totally depicts what exactly happened that day... i really hated the way i typed in the past, with all the short forms. please bear with it. haha and bear with the really immature writing, rah sorry, paiseh paiseh, sec 2 at that point of time...

----------------------

Sunday, February 06, 2005
today was a vry bad day for me.


- i was abandoned in orchard, n someone like me, who doesnt have a sense of direction, took forever to find taka.
- the sales of vouchers in the morning was pretty bad
- no one came for the evening shift


great just great! this is not my worst day ever though... anyway. thanks to my DEAR FRIENDS who have clearly n totally forgotten abt me, i was stuck in orchard like a lost sheep. aparently pple, i dun go to orchard much n neither do i really enjoy gg there that much. i got to far east only for the sake of sunny bookshop n thats where it started. they left me behind. n when im done browsing the shop, they were at the mrt station...


to dear dan, lyn, mich n lynette:
my dear friends, thanks for leaving me behind and forgotten abt me. wahaha


so then i spent an hour in kino reading n spent 10 mins looking for the rurouni kenshin manga series. they only have volume 2, 3 n 5. its 15 bucks. i shall start having the habit of saving up. n in case my mum doesnt know, i dun spend money like i waste water. man, u juz dun know, so juz stop comparing me with mr businessman, coz i dun need that at all. anywa, as i was saying, i was forgotten by my dear friends and finally found my way to taka, then spent time in kino. then i went down to basement 2 n bought muah chee n ding ding candy. then walked around aimlessly until 4pm n took a bus back to novena for evening shift. reached at 4.25pm. prayed n waited.... waited... finally, mrs wong appears. n it was 4.55pm by then. so she actually tght the others have not cum coz its not 5pm yet. but in the end, no one came. n so i was the only ij girl in uniform walking arnd. mrs wong's daughter came along too. so the both of us sold the vouchers and we earned $160 frm there. mrs wong told me to go home coz celine (mrs wong's daughter)n i were the only ones selling n it was also difficult for us. so i did go home.


in the morning, we saw mrs eugenie tan, n she looked weird. she cut her hair n dyed it brown. she was wearing a green n white striped shirt, so i cudnt recognize her, even though she was standing right in front of me. marian fernandez, mel soh n mrs stephen was there too.


had reunion dinner after the evening shift n blah. not much, excet my bro had to fight with me over salmon. we didnt fight. but when im reaching out for that particular salmon piece, he will snatch it on purpose. my mum's bf thinks its funny. well, i dun think it is, coz it was pissing me off. then was pissed off for an entire evening thanks to him coz he had to come into the room to spite me. ok im really tired now coz of the amt of energy i have spent walking n talking, especially if u had to say the same things over n over again... ok, good night n bb! =]

----------------------

ah sian...

[the answer.]

wtf. the area where i dumped all my books after i study for the exams is messy, and my brother made it worse by dumping his ps2 games there, all of them. crumpling my notes and papers. WTF. not only that, my computer area is messy too, because he dumped his fucking bowl of ice cream there. he left it there since last night after not being able to finish it. WTF. it's not mine but i have to sit in front of it. if i make noise, he scolds me WTF WTF WTF.

my room is like a junkyard. esp my com area. WHY?! because my brother dumps his food wrappers and food there. so his fucking area is supposed to be cleaner becuase my area is a junkyard? WTF!

3 bleddy papers LEFT!

AHHHHHHH

english
chinese
social studies
emath
geography
chemistry
amath
history
physics

on the 28th of May, i'm having my GCE 'O' Level CHINESE sia...

can die can die.

i'm damn scared. how how how.

rah, no point getting scared.

three days before another difficult farewell. i didnt think it would have been this soon, but it is. sigh sigh.

the ice cream staring at me is making me sick. seriously it is. i told my bro and all he says is "WAIT LAR! @#$%^&*!!!! " but i know he'll NEVER, and i mean NEVER EVER do it, because he's too busy mapling. CRAP MAPLE LAR! it wrecks lives!

i want the corrinne may chiristmas album hahaha. the song 'the answer' is nice.

http://profile.imeem.com/LxAFGb/music/HnnMth61/the_answer/

i know it's a little too late right? cause christmas was like 5 months ago? hahaha but it's nice man.

i wonder if mag got the album... maybe she did? hahaha considering we were both always talking abuot corrinne may songs and stuff. let's just say she was the only one i know that likes corrinne may other than me before i met lester. haha.

i recently uploaded a playlist on my friendster profile page. it's.. haha nice...

http://profile.imeem.com/IaJUjR/playlist/X8uPnXxj/

watched spidey 3, it's nice, damn nice, but so many people died. ahh, sad man... strongly encouraged to watch man... dont understand why that bugger who commented on yahoo movies said it was BBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG

haha he dont know how to appreciate sia...

oh i need headphones like the ones lester has, because i need to cancel the noise around me when i'm at home....

yeah i should go eat, study and have tuition. bye then. good luck to those having exams :)

[inexplicable aegis.]

exams are here. the horror. the nightmare.

chinese prelims tomorrow... RAH.

i dont wanna talk about today's eng exam, i just dont.

rah.

i'm tired.

[meet the robinsons =D.]

on the way home, i was smelling the perfume off someone else's clothes. not my fault, the train was too packed. haha random.

i think i failed my 2.4km run sia... FIRST time. i was having a terrible headache when i was running, which totally made me lose it. rah..... the headache wasnt that bad last year lor... and hannah decided to run the final lap with me. she was driving nuts in a good way lar. haha. she damn cute lar.

lemme think..... i had a lot of things to blog about before i came home, now it's just stuck at the back of my mind... DANG.

i realised. i cant sleep late... since i've been going to bed at like 12am, or 1am, i seem to just ko atound that time. rah.

ij fiesta this friday... other than the $5 coupons we all HAD to buy, i'm really broke. hahha shall sit at the booth all day then...

meet the robinsons is nice, please watch. the dino is damn funny. haha



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S396-fnLldk

hahaha damn cute sia.... it's a damn cool movie...

okay i shall go do my work first.. take care :) bye

[a part of me is dead and in the ground.]

just woke up from a nightmare. a nightmare that never happened but i had it before. every single detail did not change. all the tears, the deaths, the bitterness. just woke up in tears.

today is good friday. no school. what am i going to do today?

i guess i wanted to watch a movie this afternoon, but now i cant, unless i choose to watch it alone. i know i'm letting another day pass away. it seems like today is another rare day when i'm free for a movie, but i'm waiting, seems like i'll be waiting for nothing today. even if i tell myself to not mind it at all, i'll still be greatly affected by it at the end of the day. i dont know if what i just said made any impact, well, i cant hope for much.

i'll build a bigger and better dam this time.

the clock is ticking away...

i just laid in bed for half an hour, hoping for all that bitterness in me to fade away. it isnt enough. it isnt at all. i was replaying the same song over and over again. about an hour has past since i just woke up... and it's still there.

no one will save me. i wont bother to scream for help. i just thought to myself, maybe some coincidence will happen, and save me from myself right now. however, i seem to doubt that. sigh.

------------------

Where We Gonna Go From Here - Mat Kearney

All of your ways and all your thunder
Get me in a haze running for cover
Where we gonna go from here
We we gonna go from here

Car lights in the driveway
I wonder who's going coming my way
Tomorrow we're turning down the highway
With another bright state on a weekday
Green grass and a radio
Watching it fly past and away we go
Seven hundred places seven hundred faces more

[chorus]
All your ways and all your thunder
Got me in a haze running for cover
Where we gonna go from here
Where we gonna go from here
The back of your eyes look like my mothers
When we talk your like my brother
Where we gonna go from here
Where we gonna go from here

Time is moving on our side
How could I miss you to another guy
Pull of the ocean and the roaring tide
Is bigger than my eyes or my design
Father got a best plan
Saving his daughter for the best man
Seven hundred places seven hundred faces more

[chorus]

I've waited and I'll wait some more
Won't see me knocking on another door
But all this is crazy and amazing
There's only one half of us that I'm saving
So I'm praying just to let it go
Watch from a distance just to see you glow
Seven hundred places seven hundred faces more

[chorus]

[where we gonna go from here.]

no news. sucks. i feel dead.

it feels great just having to tell dom something and you start to realise something, he's a great friend, thanks dom...

i got angry over really trivial and stuff and over childish reasons... at first i didnt wanna tell anyone, but it felt better after talking to him about it, thanks man :)

i was reading this week's newsweek during english today. it was about the soldiers in iraq who perished... there were soldiers as young as 18... and as i read a letter by this 26 year old soldier who died... in one of his last sentences, he wrote "tell ashlea that i was sorry and stupid and i really did love her." i almost cried reading that.. it's like not being able to tell someone you love whatever you wanted to say and you're gone... and ashlea must be damn sad to know this... and this guy... he willingly went for it... there was this sergeant who wrote to either his wife, or girlfriend "hi honey, i hope you had a good valentine's day. i love you soooo much! i can't wait for all this to be over. five guys..." it's like he missed spending an important day with that special someone and he'll never get that chance... and we're all here celebrating it so happily. sheesh, why did the iraq war have to happen. each letter that was published in this week's issue of newsweek really wanted to make me cry. there was this guy who was a lance coporal and he was enlisted straight out of high school.... even though his handwriting was messy and scribbly, but every word he said just really wanted to make me cry. he was reminiscing his happy past with every family member and a good friend he had... rah, so damn sad.

sigh...

[and the pain you feel is a different kind of pain.]

i didnt want to, but i still listened to the radio the whole night last night. i didnt mean it, because i fell asleep before i could switch it off. haha.

lots of homework... geog is like crazy.. oh wait, there's a probability test tomorrow, crap.

had to put up with a lot of things this afternoon. even when i came home... sigh sigh.

i'm just having another bad day. sucks....

it sucks to have too much homework to handle, and to complete

1 history essay
1 chinese essay
a lot of geog homework
amath sums

it doesnt seem a lot, but it feels a lot. oh not to forget. tuition homework

whole of probability in emath TYS
whole of waves in physics TYS
functions in amath TYS

yes, 3 chapters... but it's due sat...

and not to mention, i'm really tired right now... and broke too..... yes. ARGH.

i hate it when i have to think of money too... RAHRAH

rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant
rant

end of ranting. haha take care, off to do my work, bye!

[but these places and these faces are getting old.]

it's been a really hectic two weeks since the school term started. have been rushing my work for two weeks, i can say, it's much lighter now...

sports day (22nd march 07) - we won. yeah green house clinched the house cup this year. hahaha we clinched it when i was in sec 1 and now we're clinching it again in my sec 4 year. savina's lion banner won though... hahaha. i dont know how but i slept for half an hour when it's so noisy there...

kbox after that, it turned out only jesmine and i were the last ones who actually went. sad, but ah well, i promised her i would go like months ago.

cnc 3 tiberium wars game launch on 26th, hahaha hell lot of people... sadly, i didnt have the money to buy it, unlike jinwei who spent all and i really mean ALL his money on cnc3.... that would include his savings... he pre-ordered it just like dom and lester, and they all got the kane edition. i dont even have the money to buy the game, rah.

mid years in a few weeks. in a FEW WEEKS. i feel dead, seriously i just do. and i cant stop wanting to play games. why now........... WHY NOW?! hahaha. rah.

dots, and i hvnt watched hana kimi for days... the last time i watched it was last saturday, the 24th. rah.

lester's sick rah, i dont know what to do, i think i passed it to him.

no school this friday... there's always a day off every week since school term started... week 1, monday, thursday and friday free. week 2, monday free. this week, friday free... what is this man????

i should stop listening to the radio overnight, before i toast my brain. rah.

count the number of rahs i already said. haha rahrahrahrahrah.

this is a nice song... it's about how the troops in iraq and afghanistan felt. meaningful.. really..

---------------------------------

Home - Daughtry

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, it makes true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.