[blue.]

life has pretty much sucked these days.

i'm finding myself being sucked into a black hole again. and i hate it. when i look around me, even though it's my room, i see this black dark nothing instead. i'm so clouded by my own issues and the same negativity is devouring me.

i dont mean to be emo, but it really sucks to be like this. i'm losing everything. my mind, my sanity, and control over my own feelings. i'm starting to succumb to every problem on the way and i dont know what i want. i just feel like taking extra panadol to numb myself. that feeling really sucks. i know i made a promise, thats why i'm stopping myself.

i feel like sleeping, becuase i wont feel sad at all from sleeping. but i bloody hell have 4 tests tomorrow. and i hvnt even started.. look at the time already! i've spent the time i had sleeping and crying. i feel empty and alone. wtf. i hate this feeling.

i'm not the only one with issues and problems, which leaves me feeling helpless and so useless. i feel stupid, and i know i'm dumb. wtf.

when i crossed the road on the way home, i wanted to jay walk and get home quicker to throw myself into bed and do nothing. traffic wasnt busy, just a few cars passing by, i thought to myself "can i cross now?" i didnt in the end, just waited. as i watched the cars drive by, i felt like throwing myself onto one of them and experience a much greater pain than what i am experiencing right now. you may think "this girl here is just being emo and she's just throwing her life away", but that was just how i felt at that very moment. i didnt in the end. if i did, i wouldnt be here right now. maybe a greater pain would be enough to clear most of my problems and i would feel so numb, i forget the pain i'm going through now. it was probably the quickest yet the most dangerous and ineffective way of solving my problems. lying in the hospital in pain, with a broken leg would prolly be a pain greater than what i feel now. but ah well.

i wont say no one understands how i feel. no one would understand because i'm shutting up. and why am i shutting up? i seem to have a problem with expressing myself properly and making my feelings and problems known. yeah i know when i say that, most people will say "it's not that difficult! you're just finding excuses! and it's not that you dont know how, you just dont want to" yeah sure, go ahead and think that way. but i really do have difficulties okay? no matter how hard i try, i cant, because i dont know how and sometimes i'm just afraid of the consequences okay? i may have to bear with another problem, like lack of trust or something like that. just something to do with that particular person's emotions and how i hurt them.