[awkward silence]

last day of 2005. in a while, here comes 2006.

not interested in the countdown... since i dont know when, it just did seem interesting each year. yeah, so i doubt it'll be as good.

actually i keep forgetting it's new year's eve today.

. . .

i didnt even know i got cut. what a joke. bleagh

well, nothing much happened today. just awkward silence. very very awkward silence. yeah.... erm... silence... and more silence... more awkward silence...

okay... i'm gonna do my homework. bye.. good night.

happy new year :)

-----------------------

Anthem of Our Dying Day - Story of the Year

The stars will cry
The blackest tears tonight
And this is the moment that I live for
I can smell the ocean air
And here I am
Pouring my heart onto these rooftops
Just a ghost to the world
That's exactly
Exactly what I need

From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day

For a second I wish the tide
Would swallow every inch of this city
As you gasp for air tonight
I'd scream this song right in your face
If you were here
I swear I won't miss a beat
Cause I never
Never have before

From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day

Of our dying day
Of our dying day
Of our dying

For a second I wish the tide
Would swallow every inch of this city
And you gasp for air tonight!!

From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day
From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day
From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day

Our dying day
Of our dying

[ambiguity - yet again]

feeling bleagh again.

it's coming to the end of 2005. wow, it really passed so quickly.

i had a wonderful breakfast this morning, haha it was really filling and a happy one too. yeap, thanks to the people who made it. haha

compared to last year, i guess this year was a much more eventful one. with so much more happening in a mere one year, i havent got anything to say. it's just a mix of everything. especially the second half of the year. it was definitely six months of exhaustion and euphoric experiences. i think i sorta see a clearer picture of it now. yeah i do... i prefer the me now. at least i havent left behind that me in primary school. refusing to look back. but yet refusing to look ahead.

it has been a very very interesting year. with all that frenzy and stuff, words cant express my feelings towards these. but i'll still welcome 2006 with open arms.

i know i have low confidence.

[we'll be this far apart]

just came home. wanna bathe but i cant find any towels. well, the thing is, the cupboard with the towels is empty. okay i dont know what's going on. my mum has been really psychotic these few days.

so i stink a lot now. gah i want to go bathe and then go to bed. apparently i only have till 12 to use this damned computer.

this entire week has been a disaster. if you read the entries for this week, you'll agree i guess. oh man just three more days to new year. and its hard to even realise christmas has passed. not that it didnt. i know it did, but i still forget there was still christmas.

i see each problem thrown at me, one at a time. maybe i should just dodge it. but it'll just hit me, SOMEHOW.

yes, i want a happy new year, but i doubt i will... it's really sad though. so it's an unhappy new year. oh man why is it that all these have to happen at once. or maybe, look on the bright side, i did have days when i was happier. so i'm just grateful i didnt have to face it ALL YEAR ROUND.

i'm just not in a very good mood after what had happened. i'm trying to... and this time, it isnt pms.

anyway i'm gonna hunt the towels down. and i really want to sleep. i'm gonna be sleeping in class next year. and of course i dont want that to happen. i'm already having this serious lack of sleep. so i shouldnt make it any worse. yeah. block of wood gonna sleep now. good night and bye.

[the christmas nightmare]

christmas was okay. boxing day was terrible. the day after boxing day was worse. and today, it's just as bad.

yes. i have realised my year end could just get any more worse. it has become so terrible it is rather difficult to make it better. so my christmas didnt turn out very merry either. well, i should have got up earlier, much earlier, maybe went to church or something. try to make my day better. or make myself a much happier person now. argh, i'm sick and tired of it.

it's pretty much obvious isnt it? i dont know. i just find it so bleagh. who would be so bleagh to think it should be done that way. it just shouldnt. just very wrong. oh man, you should know after we told you time and time again. geez...

i'm not running away from you. it's just because of some reason that i may seem i am, but i'm trying not to. due to foreseen circumstances, i didnt know what to do for a very long time. i dont have time to really think about it, but just keep quiet. yeah, i'm not running.

i hope the 'you' knows who i'm actually refering to who. gah.. it's very bleagh, very very bleagh. i said its bleagh because i dont know how to describe. i'll just say bleagh when i think of it. so its very BLEAGH to me. yeah funny... gah not.

i'm not a very happy person now. sigh. i envy those who are happy and can lead a normal and simple life, unlike mine, which can be so twisted and ABNORMAL. it's so complicated that even though i should be getting used to it, i'm hating it now.

please do not mind my rambling, i am very tired now. i just hope for things to be better. at least two times better. i'm very tired of being called a bitch everyday, although i very much dont do anything about it, just think its the wind or something. i'm starting to fear coming home, but i have to. why is it that my reaction time had to be this slow? i'm gonna be a block of wood now. i'm gonna be immune to anything evil. and this block of wood is gonna bathe and go to sleep now. bye

[ambiguity - constraint]

gah i'm broke.

shopped for another four hours today, at jurong point. bought two polo shirts, a skirt and a pair of slippers. who knew briana would buy a skirt? geez

shopped with denise and her sis. we didnt shop for the entire day since they had something on. but it was kinda fun. denise had a discount of like $14 for this necklace. bleagh.

visited debby again. yeap, gave her the burnt cds with the ff7ac and the bleach stuff. i spent an hour burning the stuff last night. but yeah... and we were chatting again, lots and lots of topics. yeah...

matilda just told me she found bleach interesting. haha well, it is. and i love the presents debby and denise gave me. they're so cute.

i'm really gonna miss them when they graduate. well they have. although it's like a must for them to go, well, i'm really gonna miss them a lot. yeap...

it's christmas the next day... well, i hope it'll be a peaceful one... yeah... i'll first sleep in till noon. haha what a way to spend my christmas morning. joking... i'll be online i guess, that is if i don't get up at like 12pm... i wouldnt be going for church i guess... cause i'm not catholic... but i'll probably go...

christmas seems like a very new day for me. yeah... it's CHRISTMAS. uh huh, i'll spend my entire day at home on the computer... having parties for my sims... yeah, christmas parties. whee, i'm so nice to them they get to celebrate christmas. haha joking.

i really havent much to say... other than shopping and talking to debby. and chatting with gina on the phone, i havent done anything till now. yeah... my mind's also blank. shall just stone for today... havent stoned for a rather long time.

well, MERRY CHRISTMAS AND ENJOY THIS FESTIVE SEASONS!!!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE!!!

------------------------------------

There With You - Sylvester Sim

All this time while you're with me I've been in the dark
Didnt think for the life of me You would do me wrong

We had it all but you chose not to know
You always knew my heart was home

Now we know I'm not who you want I should let you go

[Chorus]
I've loved you with your disguise
You've proven that love is blind
There are no answers I find
To stop my tears from my eyes
Now everything looks black and white
You've taken away clear blue skies
Though it's time to go
I know my heart has always been
And will be there with you

All this time while I'm true to you
You turned and looked away
There just wasn't any signs that says
You're only passing through

I'll close my eyes to forget our times
I can't restrain you from my lies

The fear of ever losing you
Was finally coming true

I've loved you with your disguise
You've proven that love is blind
There are no answers I find
To stop my tears from my eyes
Now everything looks black and white
You've taken away clear blue skies
Though it's time to go
I know my heart has always been
And will be there with you

I've loved you with your disguise
You've proven that love is blind
There are no answers I find
To stop my tears from my eyes
Now everything looks black and white
You've taken away clear blue skies
Though it's time to go
I know my heart has always been
And will be there with you

I know my heart has always been
And will be there with you

[ambiguity - i suffer]

watched chronicles of narnia during arc outing today. it's nice. although it's like what debby said, a mix of lotr and harry potter, it's still okay. the war was very very lotr. i like aslan's face... although i dont really like the mane, i like his nose... haha and his face is nice to touch.. and i wanna ride on him too!!!

haha i was sitting in between gloria and matilda. when lucy first met that faun guy, he was inviting her to his house for tea. well it's totally innocent, but they did sound like they were flirting. gah... haha which made the faun guy look so perverted. haha although he's the good guy.

before the movie, we were having lunch at yoshinoya. whee, and played that number guess game. the forfeit was to eat the onions from the beef value meal. i love the onions so it was okay for me. haha.. it was kinda fun and the gift exchange was fun too. played air hockey at the arcade and finally watched the movie.

after the movie, we met up with nat at the arcade and she sure is good at the para game. yeap. so then i was hanging out at the heeren with savina and delle because i had nothing to do until my mum was done with her work. i saw that addidas bag. i want the black one. its the sling bag. and it costs $79!!! ah extortion. sniff sniff... i have to wait a while to buy it, unless i'm lucky to buy it at a pasar malam or something, if not, it'll be that 80 bucks.

finally met up with my mum and her bf. had dinner at marche! woo. it has been ages since i last ate there. but my appetite has been rather poor so i couldnt eat much. but i ate fresh oysters for the first time in my life. raw, not cooked. they're rather tasty actually. had three of them, didnt dare take more because i have a weak stomach.... havent really fully recover from the after-effects of food poisoning in p3. had two bowls of mushroom soup, rosti, a sausage, and i think thats all. yeah not a lot. i usually eat like a pig whenever i go to marche.

i'm gonna go shopping with denise and her sis tomorrow! yay looking forward to it, since i didnt go last friday. time to make up for it, but we're kinda broke...

bought another pair of earrings today, quite nice. yeah, very zenith-ish. cause its a star!! hee..

gah tired... very tired... ah well, good night

[ambiguity - kokoro]

bleagh it was such a tiring day for me. i went christmas shopping and bought two items for myself. two pairs of earrings. haha so weird. ah well, then followed denise to this christmas party held at her friend's place. it was quite fun actually. but the forfeit i had to do was very BLAH. never mind... denise rescued me. haha thanks.

orchard is such a big and crowded place. ah well, everyone knows that. besides not even knowing how to get to lucky plaza or tangs from the mrt station, i made lots of guesses as to how to get to diff places. the mrt station was so crowded that i heard the get out of the station message that went:

"the station is too crowded, please leave the station if you are no boarding the trains"

so no one gave a damn about what was happening... they went on laughing and talking on the phone while that message went on over and over again. i found it so amusing. the moment i stepped out of the mrt station, one guy asked me to donate $10, i didnt though (little devil), and some girl approached me to go for some model audition, after standing there negotiating my way out, i managed to reject it. gah, i kept asking her if i could reject on the spot and leave my number with her. blah i dont want any phone calls from anyone telling me to go where and where to audition, who cares about modelling anyway.

i walked around taka many times and yes my feet were already dying by the 4th hour. but i have already spent like $100. some say shopping makes you happy, but i feel worse each time i spend my money. haha couldnt bear to part with it, but i still did. ah well.

the christmas party was fun. yeah, although i didnt know a single person except denise, i guess it was okay. they were really friendly. but i had to do a forfeit which was very BLAH and freaky.... and yes, it's a traumatizing experience. geez... but out of all the forfeits, it was one of the not-so-bad ones. there were forfeits like kissing the girl's leg, sticking socks in their nostrils and taking a photo of it and gulping yoghurt down your throst. my forfeit wasnt that bad... but still bad. gah i wont say. and since it was at bukit batok, it feels like i'm going to the west everyday.

its the arc outing tomorrow. whee. gonna watch king kong. haha, and i'm might go shopping with denise and her sis on saturday. spending it on myself. hehe. looking foward to it. it'll be christmas on sunday and a bbq at trellis towers, my aunt's hosting it. oh yay, it's gonna be fun! then i wanna play pool, havent played it in ages. maybe swim as well. monday, finish my maths homework and do the presentation. yeah maybe play computer games. its boxing day, but i wouldnt have anymore paper to tear apart. yeah haha. i'll probably tear them apart when i either get home or on the spot. haha no lar, but i'll spoil the surprise even before boxing day.

met up with denise for dinner last night. we had prata. well i did, she had murtaka. well i think thats murtaka. but anyway, we visited debby after that. haha her place is awesome. i love it. it's so nice and the condo there has tranquility in the air. yeah, her house is nice too, and squeaky, literally squeaky clean. if you're not wearing socks and you walk in her house the floor will squeak. haha so the three of us were sitting in the living room chatting till 10pm. when they made me return. yeah, so i did, and thats when i realised how quick bus 985 is. it only took me like 10 mins to get from bukit batok to toa payoh. its so quick. quicker than the mrt train. and i didnt fall asleep. if i did, i can say bye to toa payoh.

haha i guess thats a really really long entry i have posted. yeap. it's 12.38am now.... and i think i should stop here... and yay, bleach episode 62 is finally done. my bittorrent has miraculously sped up. wow! haha okay... sarcastic. but yeah it did speed up. well, good night! enjoy your holidays!

[ambuguity / difficult decision]

it hasnt been a wonderful day for me.

i've been having trouble ever since i opened my eyes this morning. lots of fighting and shouting. and people asking me to fuck off. right, doing the right thing for a wrong reason.

then i come home, much to my annoyance, world war X. yeah i'm very annoyed. i'm sick, and tired. much more tired than sick.

i'm looking at things from a very different angle now, and i choose the narrow-minded me to look at it. yes something happened to me, and thats why i decided to temporarily morph into the extremely selfish and irritating me. it's a lonely issue.

blah. i feel so pissed off and irritated and annoyed that i want to smash something on the wall, maybe my own head. i feel like throwing and turning my whole room upside down.

[ambiguity - choice]

i have finished watching 惡魔在身邊 (er mo zai shen bian). just that the last episode was a little surprising... the ending was kinda crappy... but sweet at the same time. the photos i've uploaded are taking 15.16MB of my MSNspace. bleagh... they're screenshots. but anyway the show was nice and different. yeap. love triangles arent common, but the reason why the couple cant be together because their parents are getting married and they are about to be siblings. so they had a secret relationship in which only their friends knew. but ah well, the dad said he wanted all four of them to be happy and all, so he agreed to their relationship and still got married. but yeah, the last episode is a little shocking, even for me. encouraged to watch. rent buy whatever... just encouraged to watch.

ahhhh the collection today was kinda okay, but it was fun! hehe we came across so many funny situations. mag and i were making a fool of ourselves by coming up with this retarded dance and doing that exercise thing for the elderly which was actually stuck onto the notice board next the lift while waiting for the stuff to reach the ground floor via the lift. i was also betrayed by mag. she left me in the lift alone while i was trying to lift the newspapers up and out of the lift. the doors started closing in the process of just picking the newspapers up and the next thing i knew, i was moving, well the lift i mean. gah... all in all, it was an interesting day, and an exhausting one as well.

sorry, i'm not really in a very good mood today. so dont really feel like doing anything. and i'm starting to get addicted to that 惡魔在身邊(er mo zai shen bian) show. yeah, i cant get it out of my head. why only 20 episodes??? and why cant they be like days of our lives, having over 8000 episodes or even more. actually i dont really enjoy days of our lives, i dont find it very interesting. i wonder.... if the cast of days of our lives ever get tired... 8000 episodes.... what a long script. must be like 10 000 pages long or something. but still remarkable.

i received a christmas card from audrey... haha although it's just a card, it has that warm and nice feeling... simple and sweet. haha. its one of the warmest presents i've got so far...

i'm gonna go to bed soon. i suffering from a serious lack of sleep. gah... i feel like a walking zombie now... i am going to be one if i dont sleep. okay, like denise said, i can never catch up on sleep, but at least have some... too much sleep kills, too little sleep kills. bleagh.

ah well.... good night then. have fun this holidays!

[ambiguity]

i dont know what to say... i feel so stuck. i hardly ever felt like this before. how can things go so so wrong.

i dont know what to do, i said yes, that i will. and then i dont know what to do actually. i want to talk to someone about this. but i dont know who... i dont want this to spread to the rest of the world. although i didnt say it, they probably knew. i just hope none of these happened right now. when i'm still not prepared.

i want to be happy-go-lucky too... please... dont strike me with that.

right till the end, i'm still alone.

[rabbit and hamster]

sorry, i just cant help it... the hamster and rabbit thing is just too funny. haha

this project has sort of changed me. it changed a little of my personality, and my habits. yeah and although it has only been a few days, i learnt a lot. and i still have a month, a month to learn even more. i'm laughing like a brainless git everyday.

this is gonna be more than just a learning experience, but a very precious memory. haha i feel very relaxed just working for this project. yeah, maybe after fll, i have learnt the joy of working.

bleach portal isnt providing any direct downloads for bleach episode 60 and 61. bleagh... so i have to depend on the disgusting bittorrent.

ahhh tired... well good night. bye

[i'm a crab]

what a tiring tuesday it has been. actually i have been like this for the past few days. havent been sleeping well, which resulted in my lost of appetite, my giddiness. and i cant seem to sleep at night, not sure why either. should be worrying about something i guess... even if i am, i dont know what i'm worrying about..

was watching discovery channel when i came home. they happened to have a documentary about embyos and growth, blah that kinda stuff. so i was eating and watching at the same time... of i course i didnt eat much for i lost my appetite due to my lack of sleep. i only ate the egg on my bowl of rice. i think i just had a little rice and didnt feel like eating anymore. maybe from now on i should just drink to feed my hunger.

i think i'm just gonna fall ill.

my mum bought that taiwanese idol drama, er mo zai shen bian (devil beside me) for christmas. yeap... havent watched it yet. i only removed the plastic cover. my brother's playing warcraft and he's annoying me by giving me those faces when i'm not looking in his direction. haha heck him, he's like that... i cant do anything about it either... you cant expect me to suddenly give him a punch out of nowhere right?

ah well, i realised i have other work to do... yeah... well end of entry. bye.

[curiosity kills the cat]

gah... what a lazy sunday it was.

i was rudely awaken at 1pm by my disgusting brother who was screaming at the top of his lungs for no apparent reason. then received a number smses. yeah... after washing up and everything, i just switch on the computer, chatted with tan xiao, and mixed another song... yeah my 7th one i think.

then stoned for the rest of the afternoon... had dinner and played sims. i have graduated all my students in the birght household of the sim state university and i dont know what to do with them now. so i quit the game... and here i am now.

chiristmas is approaching and i didnt realise it till today. i kept thinking it was still to early for christmas... so yeah. i've yet to buy any presents and have not decided what i want to buy for myself. my mum bought this toy for my cousin... some cat which could give birth to other few kittens. when she first bought it and showed it to me... it was packed so i was just thinking to myself how the heck do you retrieve the kittens? until today, when i say my cousin unwrap the cat, it was then i saw the little pocket hidden underneath the cat. and wow two kittens popped out of the cat. i really dont know how to put the birth of the kittens in words. gah.

lost my appetite at dinner. yeah. oh man, my mum cooked most of my favourite dishes, but for some reason, i was not hungry and didnt really feel like eating. so i just forced the food down my throat so that my mum wouldnt have to wonder why i couldnt eat my meal peacefully or think i'm having some psychological problems.

i'll only have $350 for christmas. but its okay. my mum said she'll buy that taiwanese idol drama for me for christmas. its value is equivalent to my bro's warcraft.

yeap i'm 70% certain i'm morphing into something else. okay... maybe 'something else' would be a much better person, or a very dangerous person who will just hurt anyone with that single touch or sentence. and my bro is constantly looking in this monitor's direction, trying to read what is written all over this window. ah well. after all,this is a blog. so i guess anyone can read it.

as you can see, i havent got any inspiration... my entry is so stale and empty. i have had a very boring life these few days... yeah like nothing to do... i'll find something to do. yeah i will.

---------------------------------------

Fall To Pieces - Avril Lavigne

I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today's the day
I pray that we make it through

Make it through the fall
Make it through it all

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you

You're the only one,
I'd be with till the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you

Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means

Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you

I'm in love with you
Cuz i'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you

[guess?]

it doesnt feel like a saturday today... at all.

okay i'll tell you something... my brother has vulgarities spiling out of his mouth, and its directed at me, in different languages... uh huh... because he keeps getting disconnected from maple story, and he blames me for it. yeah said i opened too many windows... so i closed a few. i only have like 3 msn windows, 2 internet explorers and 1 wmp. yeah he's still pissed off, and he's more than invisible to me. yeah i cant see him. oh great there comes my mum... argh. i'm not even doing anything besides minding my own business.

argh. forget it. my brother wants to pick on me, go ahead. i 'm not gonna give much to him (as in argue back)

----------------------------------

i rearranged all my links... finally... after a billion years. now i dont have to scroll up and down like mad just to search for one link.

finally, after two horrendous days, i finally succeeded into downloading bleach episode 60 via BITTORRENT which is a really amazing experience. wow. its slow, very slow. gah. can you sense my sarcasm...?

ever since the arc retreat, things changed. not in a good way. well i'm pin-pointing something... that particular 'something'. its not good either.. i hate to think about it, but for some reason, i still make my own way there, unknowingly. haha it's okay... i always find it hard to convey what is kept in here...

i'm gonna cheer myself up: 'YUP YUP'

okay. thats it i'm happy. okay. bye. haha

[is it still here?]

i'm in the "weird mode" now.. after i went on about buying the wang zi bian qing wa ost almost the entire afternoon. i bought it during lunch. and now... i sort of regretted it. gah. because i already downloaded all the songs. well look on the bright side, i have the other STUFF in the ost. haiyoh... what am i doing?

i just grew a little today. yeah. i have been "growing" a lot these few days. gah its weird. well i dont really mean physically but mentally. i guess thats good news. but ever since the arc retreat, i just realised i have started to grow at a rather amazing rate and started to look at stuff at another perspective. its scaring me though... then again... i feel as though i just lost something too important. i have gained a lot but i seemed to have lost something, which is also means a lot to me. i'm starting to absorb many things. starting to think even deeper. i guess it's just weird when it's THIS phase. or maybe i just think that way. well i tend to think this way, but others, and i mean many others think the other way.

msn is irritating. maybe it isnt msn's fault but the stupid internet connection. it's not even stable enough to keep running for at least 1 hour. it's kinda annoying... really.

i feel as though there's this great load on me now. suddenly my parents are too nice, which gives me even more stress, because it's just too sudden. and i'm just thinking too much as to what may happen in future. gah, i'm really very annoyed.

gah theres something in me changing and i dont really like it. what's the matter with me. gah, take one of organs out and i'll probably be okay. something is very wrong now.

[all the things she said]

i just returned... and on the way back, i was just reading a few messages. and i was just realised how much it's gonna be difficult to bid farewell.

well fll over, it was sure an enriching experience, but yeah i did have fun. although it was also a very frightening experience for me, i didnt really break down or get too stressed because i had my team who was there to cheer me up and make jokes out of practically everything. because of them, i guess i really had a lot of fun. it was okay even if we didnt win, i was just satisfied we had a lot of fun working together. yeap.

the retreat was really fun. i enjoyed the bbq a lot. the movie marathon was fun too. we watched saw last night and even though it was sick and gory, i made it through. its a psychotic show though, as to how the mastermind just randomly picks a victim and manipulates his or her mind, making them feel helpless and pushing them right till the end when they finally either give up on themselves or just kill themselves to end it once and for all. my whole body aches now and i'm coughing... maybe it's because i have been sleeping on the floor for two nights now.

all in all, it was a great retreat. i'm gonna miss it greatly. it was indeed a very very precious memory.

i'm gonna miss the seniors graduating... for some reason, time has just passed so quickly. i'll be graduating soon, in two years as well. two years went by so quickly. too quickly and it'll be my turn to say goodbye in two years. it's gonna fly. at the speed of light. yeah farewell is gonna be difficult...

there are indeed many things i have learnt after the chalet. i've just been even more clear about how low my self esteem is, and how terribly low my confidence is. i just realised i have even more insecurities than i have expected. i dont know how i can help myself now. i really need to convince myself... i could believe it for once. i dont know now. it's true i hardly could ever tell myself i could accomplish. even now, i still think i keep jeopardizing everything i'm working hard for. i have never told myself i could do something because i always labelled myself a jinx. i have tried so hard to be a much cheerier person that i've just pushed myself into another fantasy of my own. i just skipped across to being happy, and almost totally forgot about myself. forgot how annoying i am now. i've cooped up inside for so long, that i dont even know how to speak my mind. am i supposed to be what i am now? indeed, i have changed for the better, but am i doing it using the wrong method? i was so vulnerable and immature when i entered ij sec. not only that, i was simply too gullible and far too naive. sometimes, i get cheated or taken advantage too easily. i find it so hard now to step out of this confusion.

it has really been a long time since i really thought about this, since i kept trying to push the problem away. i'm running away.

i knew this day would come. and i pretty much know what will happen next. i... wonder... what will i do next. escape. i want to get out of here. i want to so much. i knew i would be left aside finally. thanks for leaving me aside.

----

fll's over. although we didnt win anything, i'm just glad i had a team that was fun and united. thanks. i love effervescence.

[.]

i'm a letdown. blame me.