[because of you]

english exam tomorrow. pray i'll make it.

mrs stephen said some nice stuff at the end of the lesson. said she was leaving ij. all the good teachers leaving. sigh... well it's quite sad to see her leave. she was a really good teacher actually, lthough she'll give us tons of homework and scolds us often.

when i was running to the hall for assembly and back from the hall, i think i pulled my thigh muscle because it hurts when i stand up. my right leg has all sorts of weird problems. i can run up the staircase and sudddenly feel this sharp pain in my knee as though it was dislocated or something. haha ah well, i'll just admit that my bones are super fragile and they can break into a million tiny pieces. ahhh...

i think i'll just fail all my exams. yeah including english. then i'll be retained because i failed all my subjects. wow!

oh and not to forget the mess in the classroom. we will not be able to take the exam if we dont clean it up and i'm pretty sure mrs wong was serious. haha of course she is. ah well, i doubt i'll mae it to school on time to help with the clean up, considering my late wake-ups every morning. haha, i'm not saying i'm not helping.

[it won't leave me alone]

after over 10 hours of sleep, i'm still feeling very tired.

i'll try not to mind it. i'll try not to listen to it. yeah i shall tell myself again and again if it happens. the best i can do now is to shut up and listen. i'm not gonna care about what they say, do, whatever. just to keep myself away from all that, i'm ont going to do anything. i don't care if they expect something. i'll tell you in advance. forget it =]

[embrace reality]

exams next week. too tired. very tired. my deprival of sleep is just getting worse.

the past 2 days have been hell. either i have been slacking or something. watching tv, no motivation to study. i still have this little motivation in me now, so i'll probably revise maths, science and geog. then compile all the compo notes and stuff. there are so many of them i can hardly keep track of what we've done.

i speaking in chinese... must be the taiwanese drama influence or something. almost whatever i say is coming out in chinese words. gee... is that bad?

haha i started watching taiwanese dramas when i was p4 or 5. it's amazing how it can still keep up till now, considering how fickle i am. but it's not surprising it comes and go whenever it wants to.

my dolphin bay vcd set is ruined. after it's nice travel around my circle of friends. it has finally broke down and died. yeap, jess said when she tried watching the vcd, it just died. cant function, which is obvious bad news. gah.... that's kinda sad you know... it came out of my ang pao money. so be guilty... those who borowed... haha kidding... i'll probably save up and buy another one to replace the old one... but that will be after buying the other taiwanese dramas i want. haha. who knows if i'll even replace it. i think at the rate of buying and watching, buying and watcing. and even loaning it to other people. i may even consider opening my own taiwanese drama rental and purchase store, at home. yeah... quite sad huh? haha

ah well, shall go study now. good luck for the exams. i dont know when will be the next time i'll blog again, maybe tomorrow. haha... or maybe not. i'll try not to even touch the computer. tata. good luck for the exams!

[paper]

today seemed short, so did our fun.

watched red shoes to celebrate the closure of njrc. i can tell you it's freaky... i never watched a horror movie at the cinema... i'm already freaking out at home, let only the cinema right. was sitting next to mr tan and geraldine. mr tan seemed really calm and was laughing at stef quek. i was clinging onto geraldine.... tugging on her jacket. fortunately, her jacket was big enough to hide two heads. then halfway through the movie, geraldine touched stef's head, which kinda gave her a scare, but didnt make her scream. stef was sitting directly in front of geraldine. carmen said stef managed to prolong her scream which was really funny and val and julienne were freaking out as usual... haha. lunch was kinda cool, when savina, matilda and i finished the entire container of cheese. matilda was licking the cheese off the spoon which was kinda disgusting... haha. many thanks to stef for suggesting red shoes, and all of us had to watch it...... i wanted very much to watch the sound of thunder though... but red shoes was kinda okay i guess... the story was a little freaky, like how the wife stuck the heel of the stiletto into the husband's and boyfriend's eye. it really... disgusting...

still had fun... we then went to the lego shop at taka. there were those fake swords and masks and savina looked funny wearing the masks. val and i were like deprived children playing with the large lego pieces which was meant for the little kids to play. went to kino after lego. matilda and i were browsing through the japanese dictionaries since she needed one. other than the fascinating dictionaries, there were many jap books on jap festivals and speeches which were just as interesting... probably much more interesting than our textbooks. japan seems to have a festival every single day. there isnt today, but there was yest and there will be tomorrow. the japanese dictionaries had really cool definitions (hmmm?) and there were cds included. they are better than english dictionaries because they seem more interesting, despite the fact that it was a dictionary.

i shall do an essay tonight... tata for now.

[wed-fri, 7.30pm, channel u]

last day of the week. this week felt like a thousand years. i'm finally getting my long waited sleep. or maybe not. i'll be returning to school tomorrow morning at 8am to finish my video project. it's kinda boring, up till the toilet part and the mask. i'm just gonna include the embarrassing bloopers, i'm not in it, thankfully. since ms koh was really nice to extend the dateline until monday, i shall make full use of the 3 and a half hours tomorrow to finish the video and export it, but i doubt it can export in time. it's still rendering in school, at this very moment. i'm just compiling all the music files i have in my computer, so that i will have a wider range of music to choose from instead of searching for it on the internet when i get to school tomorrow. this will be the last project before i begin my mugging for the finals. i dont feel motivated though... now i dont. but i sort of did a little earlier today. i'm gonna force myself to do two essays this weekend. or maybe more. i'm just really tired now. very very tired. i still have to go to jessica's house to deliver the dolphin bay vcd to her... forgot how to get there. back home again and going to somerset.

that show, "prince who turns into a frog" is on channel u, every wed-fri, at 7.30pm. haha it has a weird storyline. another taiwanese drama serial. haha, i still enjoy it. taiwanese dramas are very stereotypical. there is always someone who dies of leukemia or loses his or her memory. well this story is about this guy who loses his memory after a car accident on his way to his engagement, then a girl takes him home to prevent the police from finding her. well that means she knocked him down right? haha i dont know, the synopsis claims she did. haha i dont know what happens. havent watched it yet. only watched the first two episodes (yest and today) but it's quite funny and i think this show is not bad. i want to buy the vcd. but only volume 1 is available.. so i shall be patient and wait for the entire set to be sold. at the same time, i shall start saving for it. hehe. it's probably as good as 100% senorita. well, watch it if you want. :)

for now, i shall pack up my room, because it is in this big mess and i'll just die if it gets worse. ah well, good bye. good night. it's a full moon tonight.. anyone noticed? haha it's okay.

[the giant plug >> savina]

okay finishing science project now... sigh... very sick of doing presentations till late at night. do you know how much i want to sleep? i dont like sleeping in class, i really dont... i miss out on so much and right till the end, i dont know anything. i pretty much fail everything right? i dont enjoy it... really.. i dont. who would want to anyway... i'm completely destroying myself with all these. i dont like staying up late at night, finishing what's undone. i dont enjoy it, not at all. i really need to sleep. i need it and i want it. i get scolded for looking tired all the time... but i cant help it, i just cant. if they were never concerned, then fine, i'm on my own now.

i... really... need... sleep...

and it isnt funny.

i'll probably sleep at 3am tonight. but who cares?! i dont think anyone would care even if i fail my exams due to my lack of sleep and thus, resulting in my slumber in class. it's only the third day of school. really... and i really need to sleep. i dont care, i want to sleep. but just because i'm trying to save some people's skin that i give up the a basic necessity, that is sleep, other than food. i need sleep too you know? i feel tired 95% of my time. i just envy those who can sleep all they want, but i cant! it's not that i want to do this to myself, but i dont have a choice!

you know what? forget it, i doubt they're even thankful for it right?

[precious memories]

it's finally over. yea. njrc, over. thats 2nd year, gone. shocked to learn that my team won an award. hmm we screwed up... yeah, sorry to say it, but i think we actually did. maybe it's thanks to julienne's embarrassing moments when she tripped that totally amused the judges.

we're probably waiting another ???? months for the next one. and as far as i know, i have to really give it my all for the next one. we'll make better choices next year? i think we're gonna be losing a big part of us. sigh.

well, although it seemed like everything's over, last year's experience seems so close. somehow difficult to let go yeah? but i'm still glad we clinched quite a number this year. it's pretty cool though. the awards that we won... best programming, best journal, best presentation, best learning experience, and best booth. i'm proud of ij. =]

round 1 was a lucky one. if that guy's rcx didnt malfunction, he probably beat me flat. well, lost at round two. it's okay, learn from it then.

i dread school. hmm couldnt finish my homework. that was expected i guess, considering the fact that i'm really slow and stuff.. dont even know why i'm in 2/3... i don't belong there.

lit drama thing tomorrow. everything was done today. probably because we forgot about it and we have been doing things like that for two years yeah? maybe thi time, we'll be 2nd last.

it was amazing how i could stay awake today, when i went to bed at 3am. well, that doesnt matter, was almost late for school. made it in time... that was lucky. and i sort of forgot it was the first day today.

i still wanna go on about njrc... haha for some reason, i have nothing to say... except weebot was really adorable. haha.. although it looked inda weird, it was still adorable. the cactus looked constrained but it was also adorable. haha. the thought of it tickles me. and val and irvin's conversation was hilarious. haha well i still laugh at it until now. i can still picture him saying that. haha, ah well. njrc was really enriching... really... gained lots of experience and learnt a lot. well, all the best for njrc 2006!

ah well, now i have a science project and video in my hands. they're really heavy. and if i dont finish it tonight, i'm gonna faint tomorrow. i'm really tired... today. i slept for 14-15 hours on saturday night, but it does not make up for the amount of sleep i have lost so far. exams are closing in and i'm already on the verge of dying due to lack of sleep. i'm not that hyper, as you can tell. okay.. i have a compre, maths hw, chinese... hmm...

i think i'll try not to make it obvious... not at all. i think trying harder will work even better, really... if i can stop looking so dejected most of the time. good night.

wish me god luck!

briana: briana, good luck!

=]

[all that i've got]

i hate my existence. yeah i just do.

i just suck at everything. i'll probably fail my streaming year for all i care.

oh great, now this blog is for me to vent my frustrations on? argh.

its tomorrow. time to look back. sad though. but thats that.

havent slep for a night, and although i'm very sleepy and tired, and really hope i am sleeping on the bed right now, i cant seem to sleep. some kind of mentality. it's almost sunrise and i'll be gone from here until i dont know when either. havent started on my homework... okay... fine i did like one maths paper earlier. earlier like 5am. but it's horrible. my handwriting was all weird and all over the place. not the sleepy one, but the kind i use when i scribble or doodle. so i may not even understand what the heck i'm writing like ten years later or something.

gonna go off ina very short while. still have other stuff to do. after the holidays, there come the exams, i think it's really... erm... very tough to catch up now right? well shall still try. i'm gonna bring my homework with me now. i cant find my panadol. gah... and i need it, because i'm having this terrible headache now.

gah. okay gtg, bye, enjoy yourself. =]

All That I've Got - The Used

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
Off guard, red handed
Now I'm far from lonely
Asleep I still see you lying next to me
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I..

I need something else
Would someone please just give me
Hit me, knock me out
And let me go back to sleep
I can laugh
All I want inside I still am empty
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I...

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I guess, I remember every glance you shot me
Un-harmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat
I squoze so hard
I stopped your heart from beating
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I..

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

And it's all that I've got
Yeah, it's all that I've got
It's all that I've got
It's all that I've got
It's all that I've got!

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

And it's all that I've got
Yeah, it's all that I've got

[goodbye]

i'm gonna be away from here for quite a while. don't miss me =]

joking

anyway, i think if they let me into the truth like much earlier, then it wouldnt be so ugly now. then i could get over it or something sooner. it really does hurt now. ouch.

i hate my existence. because it has caused much pain and misery to people i don't even know. maybe they knew of my existence like how i knew of theirs, but maybe they never knew my name. i don't, though...

i didn't want to know the truth, at all. and seriously speaking, it was unnecessary. it was really uneccesary, and i'll feel much better never knowing it. i'm the last to know, right? well, that doesnt matter. as long as i don't know about anything that happened like 15 years ago or something.

i'm wishing for a brainwashing machine for christmas of something. haha, look at how cowardly i am now. running away not wanting to face it. haha, HAHA, go ahead and laugh, because i'll not hear it.

i'll keep it all in here, all of it.

[hypocrite]

i don't know whether people ever thought before speaking. or maybe taking advantage of their weaknesses seemed like an oh-so-great thing, whether they felt great after doing so. that why some people are at a loss after realising they shouldnt have done so right froim the beginning. then again, maybe it didn't seem too bad, or at least thats what they thought. doubt so... you'll know when its your turn.

i was wondering if i ever did the right thing. okay, even if i DID think it was right, did it ever made sense to me? it was never right, right? it was very wrong. okay, so i'm really negative about everything, although i try my best not to. it doesnt really work, does it? or maybe it can't be seen at all, no matter how hard you try. yeah sure, but... did it ever crossed my mind? like whether it really went too wrong for it to even pick up again.

see, get what i mean? i may not even understand what this means in future, or maybe i will. did it make any sense? was it worth it? is it worth trusting? i don't know, the situation flips like nothing. it keeps flipping, and i keep trying to adapt. when i finally adapted to it, it flips again. i can never catch up, can i?

it's hard, to talk. i dont know if i ever tried. or maybe when i've decided to, it's too late, right? yeah, it's teenage angst. i want to get over it. i don't think what they said really made sense. it did at first, but later, it didn't. because are they ever gonna put it into actions? or are they just empty vessels? i wonder if the problem lies with me. if it does, please tell me.

you probably didn't understand a word i've said so far, right? but the thing is, i can't tolerate all this thrash about everything. everything does suck, when actually i've tried looking at life in a much more cheerier way. i did try. but i've bottled up inside for too long. i don't know how to tell someone, i don't know if i could really rely on someone. i don't want what i said to hurt anyone, in any way. they don't take it seriously, do they? they probably think it's just another form of entertainment, then kick it aside once they're bored. well, did they ever think? or they did, but don't care at all.

i know when i leave this phase of life, i'll mis it, because it will be a mark in life, reminding me of all the happy and sad stuff. the rotten feelings and the pressure that has been stuck in my throat all this while.

you know what? forget it, i don't think people actually understood, and you know what? i'm too tired to care about it anymore. I GIVE UP!